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Why I Am Scared To Date Hetero Cis Men In 2017

2016-2017 has been an amazing time and transitional space for me.Including transitioning how my dating style is and whom I date. Transitioning my life to say out loud that I am a Black Queer Queen, that is Polyamorous. The louder I get sometimes the scarier life can be.

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Terms:

Cis- Cisgender: denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with their birth sex.

Hetero- Heterosexual: sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex.

Fetishized: make (something) the object of a sexual fetish.

Queer:attracted to people of many genders,not fitting cultural norms around sexuality and/or gender identity/expression

((FREE LABOR, you are welcome))

I am also aware that there are also cis women,trans women and men, and non binary folks that also fall into the category of shitty human.** Just for the folks that like to add that huge "BUT!" to things**

But, today that is not what I am talking about.

So *heads up*! Yes, I am writing this on my own thoughts and feelings. I am not writing this so you can yell your own thoughts and opinions at me. Yes, I am aware opinions are like assholes and we all have them. And some people are just ass holes :). It may not flow as YOU may like. But, this is how it makes sense to me. Put your seat-belt on, maybe some wine ( I am opting for champagne) and maybe do some hand stretches and neck stretches for those in agreeance and get what I am saying.

So let me start with saying. Yes, I am very knowing that not all cis hetero men are dangerous. But, the number of them around are a plenty, and getting outed more and more for there shitty ways has not really helped my feels. Having someone in office that while running had MULTIPLE sexual assault and sexual harassment cases open, baffles me and scares me. Because, a lot of you did not care enough AND still put him in office.*insert eyerolls, and disgust*

Let's bring this back for a second. If you do not know me. Hello my name is Jimanekia Eborn, I am a sexual educator, my primary work is with adolescents and with sexual assault survivors. Sometimes that may overlap, and other days it does not.

Some of my first memories are of me sitting on the ground next to my mothers dead body. (Didn't see that one coming did ya?) Yes, my mother was murdered by a partner, whom may or may not be my sperm donor. I was 1 years old.

So as you can see my first intro to shitty men was very aggressive and real intense,and early. I was raised by an amazing man my grandfather. Who showed me that all men are not shitty. So, no this is not about me bashing men. So calm down, and read to receive. Do not read to respond.

Where this started to go left, was dating around the time of college. Do you know what it is like dating as a woman in 2017? No? Well let me tell you. It is like living in constant fear. That if I say the wrong thing and do not give in to some men that I may be verbally abused, physically assaulted or worse murdered. What prompted this today?

So if you are already here, and not interested in hoping over to a new story. Don't fret I can tell you a bit about this SCARY story. I read this story and instantly broke down. Why? Because this is eerily a similar situation that caused the death of my mother.

"Christopher Ryan Tucker, of Albany Township, allegedly confessed to the crime when he was arrested in Illinois on Nov. 1.

Authorities say Tucker fled Pennsylvania after committing the murder days before. His car broke down in Illinois and police say he then attempted to steal a motorized combine from a farm. The farmer was on the property and called 911.

After his arrest, Tucker allegedly told police about the murder. Pennsylvania state troopers were then sent to Tucker's home, where victim Tara Serino's body was found.

"What our troopers found when they got there was very gruesome," said Trooper David Beohm, with the Pennsylvania State Police.

Beohm says Serino was strangled, her neck was snapped and her eyes were gouged out. She was also beaten with a hatchet, Serino says. Police say Tucker admitted to each of those details."

Women experience more intimate partner violence than do men:

22.1 percent of surveyedwomen, compared with

7.4 percent of surveyed men, reported they were physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, or date in their lifetime;

1.3 percent of surveyed women and 0.9 percent of surveyed men reported experiencing such violence in the previous 12 months.

Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United Stat

The pair were noted to only been dating a short few months. I have read and heard countless stories of women turning down men. Just because they were not interested, and being kind in stating the fact. Yet,met with being verbally accosted. Punched in the face, because they would not share a phone number. But, all for what ? Because they were not interested. Because they did not go along with whatever pre plan was thought of in another humans head.

Something about a man that is supposed to be running our country with multiple cases against him. AND STILL GETTING voted in. Has for some reason given a green-light for people to get really comfortable. Am I just the only one who is feeling this and or seeing this? Maybe, I hope not. The flood gates have been opened for racism, and pure misogyny at it's finest.

At this point even an attempt to date online, I have been met with, "Hey your lips would look great on my dick?" or "You like white dick, in your black p*ssy?". Or worse being in public and saying no thank you to a drink or a dance. And instantly seeing someone turn. Seeing someone go from smiling to frowning and blanking out while they say so many disrespectful words. When moments ago this person

was just stating that you(I) was a QUEEN! (just me again?)

Listen, maybe this is only something I am struggling with.

I doubt it. But, I am scared to date cis hetero men. I am scared that my declines or no thank you may end in my assault(verbal or physical) or worse my murder. But, I do fear my safety. And yea I have become more anxious over the past year.

Yes, I am aware this may be a bit extreme.

But, is it really? Why are our declines being meet with such violence? The fact that these outcomes are very prevalent and that they are becoming more and more the norm is the scary part. The world is transitioning to such a name space. So how we do stop this? Is it because we aren't touching people to express themselves in a safe manner. Is it because we are not teaching people to learn how to receive a "no"?

And then adding in that I am a black woman...

OH NO! She brought up race! I hope you did not think I was going to forget about mentioning my race. As it is something that is noted and brought to the fore front all the time. Dating as a black woman is also a different scary world. Being fetishized that is another scary component of being me. Being a woman this is already a rough road some days. Again, since 45 came into office and people have been feeling the urge to herbal and do what EVER they want. I know we did not forget about this:

I didn't forget about this did you? Because this scares me. Some of these guys look like the guys that have approached me online, approached me in public. YES! I am an equal opportunist dater. And no this does not mean I fear all white men.

Stringer / ALEJANDRO ALVAREZ/NEWS2SHARE

White nationalists carry torches on the grounds of the University of Virginia, on the eve of a planned Unite The Right rally in Charlottesville, Virginia, U.S. August 11, 2017. Picture taken August 11, 2017. Alejandro Alvarez/News2Share via REUTERS. MANDATORY CREDIT. NO RESALES. NO ARCHIVES TPX IMAGES OF THE DAY

Let's bring this back around.

Being a woman has always been scary. It has just gotten worse, because 45 is supportive of nothing but himself. So yea, I do fear dating and even attempting to date a cis hetero man. I know this is something I have to work through and or work on. But, until women stop being murdered on a DAILY. Because they used their "no". I won't hold my breath that my fears will decline. I deserve to be in safe loving relationships (WHICH I AM). But, we all deserve that. WE deserve to stand by our "no" and feel good about it. And not in fear of what may follow.

Because people like numbers:

-On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.

-1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.

-1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

-1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.

-On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.9

Women between the ages of 18-24 are most commonly abused by an intimate partner.

So yea...

That is why I Why I Am Scared To Date Hetero Cis Men In 2017. I am sure it will not last forever. But, right now this is where I am at.

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