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144 Thoughts I Had While Watching "X-Men: Apocalypse"

Bear with me--it was a really long movie!

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1. Classic Marvel logo = good times abound

2. That smooth Fassbender voice never gets old

3. And now for the obligatory mythology reference

4. I'd hate to wear all that stuff in the desert heat

5. The origin of glitter face paint

6. Oscar Isaac spotting!

7. Egypt is probably still recovering from all that property damage

8. Isn't that blond girl actually the world's first mutant?

9. Apocalypse is already living up to his name

10. Classic X symbols. Classic.

11. Lovin' those old-school projector slides

12. Cyclops spotting!

13. Mutant cage fights are a thing now?!?

14. If mutants are more accepted now, then why isn't Raven blue?

15. Did she just punch him with her elbow?!

16. Nightcrawler's intro was way better in X2

17. Magneto's gone rural

18. Where's Charles? Why haven't we seen Charles yet?

19. How does she not recognize Magneto? He doesn't even wear a mask!

20. Don't go there, girl—that's touchy stuff

21. Not loving Alex's hair rn

22. Well that's a handy power

23. Ahh, there's Charles!

24. Is that Jean Grey or Merida from Brave?

25. Egypt is clearly still reeling from Apocalypse's assault

26. Rose Byrne is that you?

27. This looks sketchy af

28. Seriously? A few chants woke him up?

29. Damn, he's back!

30. And I thought my nightmares were scary!

31. Cerebro = world's swankiest cell phone tracker

32. Freudian slip by Charles

33. Oh, that makes sense with his wife now

34. How has no one recognized him until now?

35. Well. That was actually horrible. You can't recover from that. Poor Erik ☹

36. Storm warning!

37. The origin of creeping your ex on Facebook

38. #tragiclovestory

39. When your ex doesn't remember you
Samer Kalaf / Via

39. When your ex doesn't remember you

40. Storm is fangirling!

41. I wish I could be like Apocalypse when studying for finals

42. He could benefit from some color contacts

43. Storm prematurely aged

44. Olivia Munn!

45. Jill hates this third person stuff

46. Those are the sickest shades I've ever seen

47. Look at all these #reunions!

48. Dude, read the room

49. Why doesn't Psylocke just use two swords?

50. What brand are those ruby sunglasses?

51. Never fly drunk, Angel

52. Angel could easily take on Clove from District 2

53. That made it awkward when she mentioned Erik

54. Do they even understand English in that factory?

55. Henryk, Erik, same diff! (I wrote this before he said "Magneto"!)

56. That's Wolverine's line!

57. No fair, man

58. I never realized how much metal there is in the world

59. Quicksilver!

60. Is this mom telepathic?

61. She clearly has some history with Magneto…

62. X-Men: First Class throwback!

63. I love how they make fun of their own franchise sequel

64. And the #reunions continue!

65. Erik always brings up so many hard feelings!

66. Charles looks like a bug with the Cerebro helmet on

67. Yet another Marvel character with unexplained dressmaking powers

68. "Hello, old friend." There it is!

69. This Cerebro videochat gets a way better connection than my Skype calls

70. #networking

Marvel Studios / Via

71. Hey, he stole that black eyes brainwashing trick from Loki and his scepter

72. Stan Lee and his wife?

73. Oh shit

74. Well, now this is officially the best portion of the movie

75. He's awesome

76. So much for those grand university plans

77. That expression, though

78. The kid who whispers "That's awesome" is all of us

79. Please don't get rid of Quicksilver just yet

80. Stryker looks like he's picking teams for dodgeball

81. Jean's eyes match her blazer—was that intentional?

82. Why was Jubilee kicked out of their squad? #discrimination

83. Wait a second, is Wolverine not gonna be in this movie? Say what?

84. Apocalypse and his Four Horsemen vs. the Avengers—Marvel, make it happen!

85. Sigh. Still fighting over Erik

86. None of this would have happened if Charles had just used a plastic wheelchair

87. #Quicksilver'sdaddyissues

88. No fair, the trailers did not prepare me for Charles' brainwashing

89. Logan? Please say it's him!

90. Oh wow, I'm so happy!

91. Weapon X? Seriously?

92. Wow, I also didn't see that coming

93. Are you sure you'll be right back, Stryker?

94. This is actually quite gory for Wolverine

95. And the love triangle begins!

96. Pepper and Tony Iron Man 3 flashback (Jean even has the same hair) / Via

96. Pepper and Tony Iron Man 3 flashback (Jean even has the same hair)

97. Jean should be very turned off rn

98. Wishful thinking, Scott

99. (Scott blasting open the chamber) Well that works, too

100. How long is Charles' hair gonna last for?

101. That escalated quickly

102. Magneto's helmet, now in stylish bronze

103. JLaw looks bored of this franchise

104. More Mystique fangirling

105. Quicksilver, where have you been all my life?

106. Does Magneto float by his metal helmet? How does he not have a massive headache?

107. Is Logan coming back?

108. Oh dear, is Oscar Isaac gonna invade Charles? (sorry, that was dirtier than I intended)

109. You know, there's such a thing as being too powerful

110. These metal spirals look like DNA

111. When did they have time to erect those massive statues?

112. "In the future, believe it or not, we're all gonna be friends!" –Storm

113. Wow, Psylocke is badass!

114. #rematch

115. "How could you move on from me, you jerk?" –Raven, to Magneto

116. They're running out of time!

117. Go go go

118. There goes the hair!

119. Oh wow, that was insane!

120. I'm getting Harry and Voldemort feels

121. "Curses, foiled again!" -Apocalypse

122. This is not the time for glitches, Nightcrawler, dammit

123. Charles' First Class haircut was so much better

124. The bromance continues

125. Ok, Quicksilver is up

126. Ok, that was a total sucker-punch to the knee

127.I saw that Psylocke betrayal coming a mile awa—wait, nevermind, it's Mystique

128. Storm, calm down

129. That cowlick, though

130. "My house" (literally)

131. Let's do the time warp again

132. MAGNETO'S X!!! Loving it!

133. Logan, where are you?

134. Nice boots, Jean

135. (Jean walking on nothing) Woah, that's a disconcerting sight

136. Apocalypse bonfire?

137. "Well, that was fun guys, who wants ice cream?" –Jean

138. That knowing nod

139. What happened to the yellow suits from First Class?

140. Even premature bald guys can find love

141. Magneto and Jean rebuild the school #teamwork

142. So when does Storm lose her accent?

143. Whatever happened to Psylocke? / Via

144. Is this the last we'll see of the McAvoy/Fassbender bromance?

6 Thoughts I Had While Watching The Post-Credits Scene

1. What, no mid-credits scene? LAME

2. I really need to pee, so could these credits hurry up pls?

3. No way, this movie was filmed in British Columbia!

4. Yes, the lovely logos

5. That can't be good

6. Essex corp? Should I know what that is? (I'm not a comics reader, if you haven't already picked up on that)

Final Thoughts

1. Apocalypse is the worst villain ever! He literally does none of the work

2. Alternate title—X-Men: Jean Grey Has Her Day


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