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Really Having To Pee On The Subway: A Saga

A dire situation...

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Chapter 2

Like the experienced former college grad that you are, you know the beauty and efficiency of pregaming. You get to start early aaaaaand save money?! Um......DUHHHHH!!! You polish off a few glasses of Sauvingnon Blanc while getting ready. ("Few" is an extremely relative word here and is up to your own discretion.)

Chapter 3

Your buzzgame is strong and your hair is looking fierce, so you decide it's time to leave. In your haste and excitement you forget to pee before you go. It is this crucial moment that ultimately leads to your demise. You get on the subway and pop in your headphones, blissfully unaware of your looming fate.

Chapter 4

10 to 12 minutes into your ride a familiar, uncomfortable feeling starts to form in your bladder. You try to ignore it. "There's only like, 45 minutes left," you tell yourself. "I can hold it until then." You nervously cross and uncross your legs, trying to somehow miraculously block the pee from forming. It doesn't work. It just gets worse.

Chapter 5

Photographer: B-D-S

You have to transfer at this stop, and the act of getting up and walking to the subway door is pure agony. You try to remain cool and collected, but you really just want to pop a squat at the end of the terminal in the hopes that no one sees you. Your brain is not intoxicated enough to convince yourself that this is a good idea, however, so you try to be a champ about it.

Chapter 7

By the grace of God it's finally your stop! You want to run out of the subway, but that would be even more painful, so you awkwardly speed walk while simultaneously trying to keep your legs together. You resist the urge to put your hands over your crotch to keep it in. (Actually, you may have done this when you thought no one was looking.)

Chapter 8

There's miraculously a bodega on the corner that lets you use their bathroom. You give 0 f*&(s that it is down a sketchy winding staircase in their warehouse storage area. Whatever. Beggars can NOT be choosers at this point and no one says you really need to touch anything. You have Purell in your bag anyways.

Chapter 9

FINALLY! Your moment as come. You're delirious at this point, halfway between crying and laughing at the same time as you squat, carefully avoiding the toilet seat, and release the poison in your bladder that has been torturing you for the last hour. You linger in the moment you have been awaiting so patiently. The feeling of relief is unmatched . . . and you pat yourself on the back for not peeing your pants like you wanted to earlier.

Chapter 10

You head to the party looking and feeling fabulous. No one knows about the trauma you just went through, but it's giving you an edge and confidence you never thought possible. However, you have learned your lesson. *ALWAYS PEE BEFORE GOING OUT*

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