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College Tips For My Freshman Stepdaughter

My stepdaughter headed to college this weekend so I wrote her a letter with some tips that I thought she'd find useful.

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I know it's been a long time since I've gone to college, yes, the 1900's, but I did learn some things that were timeless. I figured I could share some with you…on paper, so you can refer to it…much like a bible… with less prayers…unless you feel like you're going to puke, then I usually pray that the feeling goes away or the room stops spinning.

FRIENDS

Not everyone is going to be as perfect as you…yes, I know…you are so fortunate. There are going to be times that there are passive aggressive comments made, things borrowed and not put back, things broken like promises or actual things…let's hope it's not your laptop or your phone…well, let's just say there are times you're not going to get along with everyone. And that's okay, you don't have to be BFF's with the school, but you have to recognize when to let some things go and when to make a bigger deal out of things. Home examples for us would be:

When you never close the lid on something correctly or all the way. We choose not to bother yelling at you about it because it's not worth the time, yet we'd occasionally address it and say, "Could you please close the cap on the moisturizer so it doesn't fall on my foot?"

When you left the house without closing the front door because you were "In A Rush". We chose to make a bigger deal out of this since IT'S THE FRONT DOOR OF FUCKING HOUSE!

If someone's life is in danger or there's a situation you're not comfortable with you can consider that a "Front Door Problem" if it's something that's annoying, then you can make it a "Moisturizer Cap Problem". You have to compromise.

It's important to have a least 1 friend that will always make sure you have eachothers backs, like don't leave someone in a club by themselves with people you don't know, don't leave a chick with a bunch of drunk boys…make sure YOU'RE not that chick with a bunch of drunk boys. If a friend passes out and are wasted make sure they don't sleep on their backs because if they do get sick they could choke...sleeping on the side is always best. Common sense stuff, you have a brain, use it.

CLASSES

Yes, you have to go. All the time??? Well your mom would like to think so, but I'm much more realistic. Go enough that you can manage a passing grade or make friends to help with notes and stuff. Not all classes are going to be non-stop moments of enjoyment, but we're paying for it, so at least try and make an effort. Plus, going to class helps you meet more people.

FRESHMAN 15

Listen, shit happens, you start to go to parties, you eat crappier food because it's easy, but try and get in some physical activity…and I'm not talking about sexual activity...that will be another chapter…Run, sign up for a club, the more you do the more friends you make and it's all about finding out what you like, get to the gym, just know, it's probably going to happen and it's okay, you're young, you'll bounce back. Just make sure it's not the Freshman 40…that's more difficult.

BOOM BOOM

There are going to be literally thousands of guys at UNH, some guys are going to be cool, some guys aren't...and MOST guys aren't going to want to be "just friends" with you. So use your best judgment please, because college seniors know when the freshman arrive, so don't get taken advantage of. A 3:30am text from a guy isn't about homework…well it might be, but it's probably not.

WALK OF SHAME

Noun: the course walked home after a night of boozing and boom boom. one usually wears either the clothes they went out in (eg. short skirt and heels) or the clothing of the person they slept with (eg.a large white t-shirt) the morning after and everyone notices.

It happens, don't make a habit of it.

YOUR BITCHY RESTING FACE

You have to get that shit under control…I don't blame you, you get it from your mom, but be more aware of it and…SMILE!

TRUST ME TIPS

Make sure you always have a plastic bag lining your trash…just trust me.

Wear flip flops in the shower…just trust me.

Don't pee in public…just trust me.

Drinking beer, stick with beer. Drinking mixed stuff then beer, that's fine…do not drink beer then drink mixed stuff…just trust me. "Beer before liquor never sicker, liquor then beer you're in the clear."

Back up all the stuff you do! Or create a Dropbox account. Fucking Tammy Drape, I'm not going to get into it, but I had a 10 page paper written and saved and she deleted it the day before it was due. UGH! I'm still pissed. JUST TRUST ME!

Make friends with the RA…just trust me.

DON'T

DON'T - Break someone's eye socket. (again)

DON'T - Post pics of drunk/ high people just in case one day you're drunk/ high & they post pics of you.

DON'T - Take shots of Everclear. EVER.

DON'T – Take every guys sweatshirt, that's like 5,000 sweatshirts, you have enough.

DON'T - Have your alarm clock by your bed… Have multiple alarms set!

I hope I was able to teach you some things, because you taught me a lot!

But most importantly you taught me that what most people say is bullshit that giving birth and having a baby teaches you unconditional love, no, even though I got to you a little late I still love you unconditionally and I consider you my daughter. You've made me so proud and I know you'll continue doing so while you're in college.

Love you.

PS We might send you your brother if he misbehaves. Let's hope he's less of a bitch when you come home on Thanksgiving.

PPS If you need a beer pong partner I'm in! Not kidding, I'll run that table!

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