1. Why am I up so early?
2. Wait, it’s not even early, it’s past 12.
3. That’s why this is brunch, not breakfast.
4. Does this place serve coffee?
5. Why didn’t I already get coffee?
6. OMG I’m so hungry.
7. Why didn’t I eat breakfast yet?
8. Oh right, that’s why we’re here.
9. Do I have a granola bar in my bag?
10. Does a granola bar have coffee in it?
11. That would be a great invention, granola bars that give you energy.
12. Oh right, protein bars. It’s a whole thing.
13. Do I have a protein bar in my bag?
14. Why are we waiting for a table, can’t we just eat on this curb?
15. [pulls menu up on phone even though real menu is posted one foot away]
16. OMG pancake waffle pie with bacon.
17. I could wait four more hours for that.
18. As long as someone brings me coffee.
19. And a mimosa.
20. Why did someone bring their baby here?
21. Wait sorry, that’s me crying. I’m so hungry.
22. These people who got here after us better not get a table first.
23. I will go literal Hunger Games on them.
24. Did bottomless brunch start as soon as we got here?
25. I wish bottomless also meant you didn’t have to wear pants.
26. That would be truly gross, I wouldn’t want to go to that.
27. I think my body is eating itself from the inside.
28. Can I marry the waitress seating us early? Because I love her.
29. Maybe I’ll be healthy and get an egg-white omelette.
30. Does a Bloody Mary count as a serving of vegetables?
31. Why is everything $400?
32. A COMPLIMENTARY BREAD BASKET?!?! YAHHHHHSSSSS.
33. This menu is too long, how will I ever choose?
34. Should we all get different things, then share?
35. Wait, I hate sharing.
36. Oh no it’s my turn, I’m not ready.
37. Please don’t ask me first.
38. Hi, yes, I’ll have all the carbs. And a refill on this mimosa.
39. Is everyone here already drunk?
40. Am I already drunk?
41. Maybe I shouldn’t have started drinking before I had food.
42. HAHAHAHAHAhahhahaha. jk. jk.
43. Gotta make it count.
44. Speaking of counting, I’m on number four already.
45. This isn’t a race.
46. But if it WERE a race, I would totally be winning.
47. Is everyone here famous?
48. Someone here must be famous.
49. Do you think famous people eat brunch for every meal?
50. All I want is food.
51. What did I even order?
52. Oh right, bacon.
53. Do you think I could get bacon as an appetizer for my bacon?
54. I should have gotten a Bloody Mary, I hear they sometimes put bacon in it.
55. This mimosa just tastes like juice now.
56. Did I somehow drink the champagne out first?
57. Literally every other table has their food except ours.
58. Those people got here way after us, why do they have food?
59. Foood! My guardian angel brought me my food!
60. Ugh I’m full of mimosas, I don’t even want food anymore.
61. Oh, jk, I ate the whole thing in two seconds.
62. I should have brought cash, why didn’t I bring cash??
63. I hate math.
64. How many maths is 6 champagnes and all the bacon?
65. Do you think they’ll let us split the check 6.35 ways?
66. Are to-go mimosas a thing?
67. Ok, bye. Time to nap forever.
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