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The Definitive Ranking Of Celebrity Apps

Spoiler alert: Kim Kardashian's game is not #1. Not even close.

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Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Available on iPhone and Android +2

Enlightened us that there's something called #MadonnaDay +3

Is basically just an aggregation of her (outdated) tour dates plus a store -15

Has several photos of her that look like she's behind a beveled bathroom door +3

Has several photos of her that look like she's behind a beveled bathroom door -3

Total: -5

Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Available on iTunes and Android +3

Does not include any clips from her beloved show -2

In the words of more than one review, "What Happened?" -10

Total: -4

Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Available on iTunes and Google Play +3

Contains a gif-generator +5

Plays the album only if you already own it -5

Does not take advantage of the pun APPlause -3

Claims to "alter the human experience" but does not follow through -5

Graphics look like they are from 1987 but not in a retro way -3

Total: -3

Ranking:

Cost: $1.99 +2

Available on iTunes and Google Play +2

Correctly acknowledges the internet's obsession with him +5

Has a very uncanny-valley-level virtual likeness of Tom's face -10

The single iTunes review (one star) says only this: "I hope it gets better." +5 (on point) / -5 (Not wrong)

Total: -1

Ranking:

Cost: Technically free, but also potentially >$1000 -50

Available for iPhone and Android +2

Can only be played in landscape (so everyone knows EXACTLY what you're doing) -5

Is uniquely transparent about the actual concerns/lifestyle of the Kardashian Klan +45

Can't actually be won -10

Played in real time for some strange reason -12

Exists in a world pre-Kanye +30

Total: 0

10. Hanx Writer

itunes.apple.com

Tom Hanks' app, which recently became the top-downloaded free app in the ITunes store (Yes, over Facebook, Netflix, Twitter—everything) gives you the sound and nostalgic inconvenience of a typewriter on your iPad.

Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Only available for iPad -5

Is somehow both pretentious and pointless +0

Includes a digital polaroid of Hanks -3 (for being contradictory) / +3 (is on brand)

Has one font and no delete button +3 (for consistency)

Why is it spelled Hanx?? -1

Total: 2

9. Taylor Swift Greeting Cards

Released in conjunction with her 2012 Red album, this highly specific app lets you send personalized-ish greeting cards to everyone in your life that also likes or ironically likes T. Swift.

Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Only available for Google Play -3

Contains songs from her best album +2

Does not contain any break-up cards -1

Total: 3

8. Shots

Although Justin Bieber-funded Shots Selfie-sharing app is not technically an official fan app, it operates as exactly that and will probably make him way more money than any app on this list (with the possible exception of KKH).

Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Available for iPhone and Android +2

Literally created so that Justin Bieber could have yet another social network to share pics of himself* -5 (objectively) / +5 (exactly what Beliebers want)

Founder said "This is something humanity really needs" which is patently untrue -3

Total: 4

*Not a proven fact but, come on.

Ranking:

Cost: $3.99 -2

Available only on iTunes -3

Only has 4 songs BUT they are 4 of her best +0

Very hard to win which is exactly what Mariah would want (you can't measure UP) +5

Successfully uses every pun possible (Carey-oke)(LyrIQ) +5

Total: 5

6. GoldfrAPP: Tales of Us

This photo app from British pop duo Goldfrapp allows you to make double exposure photos by merging and editing two pictures. You can choose your own or use the randomizer by shaking your phone.

Ranking:

Cost: $.99 +3

Only available for iTunes -3

Randomizer makes a satisfying buzz +2

Unique concept that actually works +3

Takes advantage of the pun GoldfrAPP +1

Total: 6

Ranking:

Cost: $2.99 +0

Available only on iTunes -3

First you're like "Being T-Pain is easy, anyone can do this," then you hear yourself -2 (Real Talk) / +2 (Props to T-Pain)

Lets you do a T-Pain rendition of a Kate Bush song if you want to (which you know you do) +10

Total: 7

4. Snoopify

In this photo "editing" app, users can add "stickers" to their photos to get that classic "Snoop Lion/Dogg/TBD" look. Some stickers are free (including David Beckham's head, cheese doodles, a leopard-print unitard, and Riff Raff's head) and some that cost money, like a diaper (part of a $.99 pack) and a rainbow spliff (that costs $99.99) (as in US dollars)(AND was purchased 15 times during the first week it was available).

Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Available for iPhone and Android +2

Totally pointless and yet somehow fulfilling +2

Charging ~$100 for a virtual sticker is somehow both amazing and idiotic +0?

Total: 9

Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Available only on iTunes -3

Is a cool way to use already-creepy GPS technology +5

Still requires you to use creepy GPS technology -2

You can add stage directions like "fist bump" +2

Future couples who meet-cute through the app could star in MJ's next film +3

Total: 10

2. Biophilia

itunes.apple.com

Bjork’s app released in conjunction with her album of the same name is a sensory carousel that allows you to meander through the universe of Bjork. Each song has its own “galaxy” which contains a video, a game to compose your own song, a touch-based accordion or some other masterful conjunction of sound and technology.

Ranking:

Cost: $12.99 -20

Available on iTunes and Android +2

Takes up 761 MB of space -10

Is so so Bjork-y +10

Bills itself as "extraordinary and innovative " and actually is that +10

Doesn't come with Snoop Lion's Spliff that would greatly enhance the pleasure of the content -5

Reminds us in a calming British narration that we as humans are the the gateway between the universal and the microscopic +25

Total: 12

1. Shatoetry

Aside from having one of the best/hardest to pronounce names, William Shatner's Magnetic-Poetry-inspired app lets you compose poems and then hear them Shatner's voice like a romantic customized Priceline commercial.

Ranking:

Cost: $.99 +3

Available on iTunes and Google Play +2

Boldly goes where no app has gone before +10 (SORRY I HAD TO)

Possibly coined the term "Shatism" +5

Requires you to touch a button that says "Shat that!" -5

Total: 15

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!

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