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The Definitive Ranking Of Celebrity Apps

Spoiler alert: Kim Kardashian's game is not #1. Not even close.

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Ranking:
Cost: Free +5

Available on iPhone and Android +2

Enlightened us that there's something called #MadonnaDay +3

Is basically just an aggregation of her (outdated) tour dates plus a store -15

Has several photos of her that look like she's behind a beveled bathroom door +3

Has several photos of her that look like she's behind a beveled bathroom door -3

Total: -5

Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Available on iTunes and Android +3

Does not include any clips from her beloved show -2

In the words of more than one review, "What Happened?" -10

Total: -4

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Ranking:
Cost: Free +5

Available on iTunes and Google Play +3

Contains a gif-generator +5

Plays the album only if you already own it -5

Does not take advantage of the pun APPlause -3

Claims to "alter the human experience" but does not follow through -5

Graphics look like they are from 1987 but not in a retro way -3

Total: -3

Ranking:
Cost: $1.99 +2

Available on iTunes and Google Play +2

Correctly acknowledges the internet's obsession with him +5

Has a very uncanny-valley-level virtual likeness of Tom's face -10

The single iTunes review (one star) says only this: "I hope it gets better." +5 (on point) / -5 (Not wrong)

Total: -1

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Ranking:
Cost: Technically free, but also potentially >$1000 -50

Available for iPhone and Android +2

Can only be played in landscape (so everyone knows EXACTLY what you're doing) -5

Is uniquely transparent about the actual concerns/lifestyle of the Kardashian Klan +45

Can't actually be won -10

Played in real time for some strange reason -12

Exists in a world pre-Kanye +30

Total: 0

10. Hanx Writer

itunes.apple.com

Tom Hanks' app, which recently became the top-downloaded free app in the ITunes store (Yes, over Facebook, Netflix, Twitter—everything) gives you the sound and nostalgic inconvenience of a typewriter on your iPad.

Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Only available for iPad -5

Is somehow both pretentious and pointless +0

Includes a digital polaroid of Hanks -3 (for being contradictory) / +3 (is on brand)

Has one font and no delete button +3 (for consistency)

Why is it spelled Hanx?? -1

Total: 2

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Ranking:

Cost: Free +5

Only available for Google Play -3

Contains songs from her best album +2

Does not contain any break-up cards -1

Total: 3

Ranking:
Cost: Free +5

Available for iPhone and Android +2

Literally created so that Justin Bieber could have yet another social network to share pics of himself* -5 (objectively) / +5 (exactly what Beliebers want)

Founder said "This is something humanity really needs" which is patently untrue -3

Total: 4

*Not a proven fact but, come on.

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Ranking:
Cost: $3.99 -2

Available only on iTunes -3

Only has 4 songs BUT they are 4 of her best +0

Very hard to win which is exactly what Mariah would want (you can't measure UP) +5

Successfully uses every pun possible (Carey-oke)(LyrIQ) +5

Total: 5

Ranking:

Cost: $.99 +3

Only available for iTunes -3

Randomizer makes a satisfying buzz +2

Unique concept that actually works +3

Takes advantage of the pun GoldfrAPP +1

Total: 6

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Ranking:
Cost: $2.99 +0

Available only on iTunes -3

First you're like "Being T-Pain is easy, anyone can do this," then you hear yourself -2 (Real Talk) / +2 (Props to T-Pain)

Lets you do a T-Pain rendition of a Kate Bush song if you want to (which you know you do) +10

Total: 7

4. Snoopify

In this photo "editing" app, users can add "stickers" to their photos to get that classic "Snoop Lion/Dogg/TBD" look. Some stickers are free (including David Beckham's head, cheese doodles, a leopard-print unitard, and Riff Raff's head) and some that cost money, like a diaper (part of a $.99 pack) and a rainbow spliff (that costs $99.99) (as in US dollars)(AND was purchased 15 times during the first week it was available).

Ranking:
Cost: Free +5

Available for iPhone and Android +2

Totally pointless and yet somehow fulfilling +2

Charging ~$100 for a virtual sticker is somehow both amazing and idiotic +0?

Total: 9

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Ranking:
Cost: Free +5

Available only on iTunes -3

Is a cool way to use already-creepy GPS technology +5

Still requires you to use creepy GPS technology -2

You can add stage directions like "fist bump" +2

Future couples who meet-cute through the app could star in MJ's next film +3

Total: 10

2. Biophilia

itunes.apple.com

Bjork’s app released in conjunction with her album of the same name is a sensory carousel that allows you to meander through the universe of Bjork. Each song has its own “galaxy” which contains a video, a game to compose your own song, a touch-based accordion or some other masterful conjunction of sound and technology.

Ranking:
Cost: $12.99 -20

Available on iTunes and Android +2

Takes up 761 MB of space -10

Is so so Bjork-y +10

Bills itself as "extraordinary and innovative " and actually is that +10

Doesn't come with Snoop Lion's Spliff that would greatly enhance the pleasure of the content -5

Reminds us in a calming British narration that we as humans are the the gateway between the universal and the microscopic +25

Total: 12

Ranking:
Cost: $.99 +3

Available on iTunes and Google Play +2

Boldly goes where no app has gone before +10 (SORRY I HAD TO)

Possibly coined the term "Shatism" +5

Requires you to touch a button that says "Shat that!" -5

Total: 15