Alcoholic Sparkling Water Exists And We Tried It

"It... sticks to your teeth??"

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Here in San Francisco, the land of voter-approved soda taxes and constant peer pressure to do healthy things like "hike" and "camp," our office has become a team of OUT OF CONTROL SELTZER ADDICTS.

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Here is a pic of our current La Croix stash. Some people have been known to average five (5) cans a day, including one of our writers who has lovingly paired them with various meals. ("Strawberry pineapple is really more of a 'breakfast La Croix.'")

We are also fans of the ~occasional~ adult beverage.

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This is the bottom half of our fridge. Don't worry, it NEVER gets touched before 5 p.m. I mean 4 p.m. Definitely not before 3 p.m.

So naturally, when we learned of the existence of SELTZER THAT HAS BOOZE IN IT, we were quite excited.

We snagged three kinds of boozy bubbles to sample.

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The three brands that sent us samples to try are all clearly (get it?) going for a minimal, refreshing graphic design concept. But, as knowledgable seltzer pundits, we weren't swayed by the emperor's fancy clothes; we wanted to taste-test the seltzer's potentially pale and flabby underbelly.

First, we tried a brand called Nauti Seltzer.

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Nauti Seltzer comes from Massachusetts, where people drinking it are required by law to be wearing lobster pants and Sperries. It comes in four varieties: grapefruit, raspberry, lemon lime, and cranberry.

Ainsley: "This is probably like if you wanted to get stealth drunk, like at church or during a PTA meeting."

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Jess: "It tastes like a fruit flavored Coors Light."

Matthew: "If this was all that was left at the party, I would drink it."

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Sheera: "The pomegranate flavor tastes nothing like pomegranate."

RATING: 2 bubbles

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Next up was Truly Spiked And Sparkling.

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Truly refers to its flavors as "Styles," which include pomegranate, grapefruit and pomelo and lime, and promotes itself as "just like sparkling water, but with 5% alcohol by volume."

Truly also has the prettiest packaging. NOT THAT WE'RE SWAYED BY THAT.

It also comes with pairing suggestions, like "aged cheddar and almonds."

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Farryn: "It smells like champagne and has a weird aftertaste."

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Ainsley: "This is really bad. I would drink it if it were zero calories."

Sheera: "It tastes like bad La Croix."

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Jeff: "It's ~truly~ terrible."

RATING: 1 bubble (out of 5)

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Spiked Seltzer

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Spiked Seltzer is 6% alcohol, and the company describes it as "clean and clear without the sugary sweetness of wine or the heaviness of beer." The beverage comes in Cape Cod Cranberry, Indian River Grapefruit, West Indies Lime, and Valencia Orange flavors.

Brendan: "Cranberry isn’t terrible. Lime isn’t bad, but it feels like it sticks to your teeth."

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Farryn: "The grapefruit flavor is best out of all of them. I'm digging it, and I don’t even like seltzer water."

Jeff: "It tastes like a watered down white wine."

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Sheera: "But it doesn’t taste enough like wine."

RATING: 3 bubbles

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Conclusion: Alcoholic seltzer could be up your alley if you're seeking a less sugary alternative to Smirnoff Ice, or you're day drinking but don't like the taste of beer.

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Otherwise, skip it, because you will be allowing a LOT of burps to shimmy up through your esophagus with very little reward to your tastebuds.

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BUT. Here is a pro tip we discovered while buzzed on all the seltz: The best way to get smashed on seltzer is to put some vodka in the brand you already like.

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BELLISSIMO! *kisses fingertips*