When I heard that San Francisco is home to Kink.com, the largest fetish porn studio in the world, I was intrigued.
And when I heard that anyone could go inside it — pun intended — and take a tour, I signed the fuck up.
I don't really watch porn, for long and nuanced reasons that can probably be summed up as: It's just not my jam. But still, who wouldn't be curious about this? Would I see actual BDSM scenes being filmed? Is there a Clueless-like computer that matches your ball gag to your cat-o'-nine tails?
As someone who's not a bondage porn consumer, I decided I'd make the perfect, unjaded initiant to the world of fetish video. And so, a little nervous, I made my way to the Mission, home to the Armory's five-floor, 200,000-square-foot porn palace, with a tour ticket and an open mind.
Here's what I saw:
1. When you arrive at the Armory (pictured below), you're ushered into a waiting room that's kind of like the break room at your office, but with paintings of people getting, well, BDSMed on the walls.
My tour group consists of bunches of giggling tourists, a few couples going fairly heavy on the PDA, two lone dudes who seem like Kink.com fanboys, and me. (It was a little uncomfortable being an unaccompanied female on this tour, only because I could feel the other guests' eyes on me, trying to figure out what kind of girl goes on a bondage porn studio tour by herself. Haha! Journalism.)
Kink's mission is to "demystify and celebrate alternative sexualities," and between the main site and its 18 subscription sites, it produces straight porn, gay porn, and queer porn, including porn featuring trans men and trans women. Our guide tells us we'll see a glimpse of the 50 sets that make up Kink and reminds us to be nice to each other on our tour and not steal things: "In general we're pro-asshole, but there's a time and a place."
2. There is a broken popcorn machine.
No popcorn for porn stars, I guess.
3. There's stuff for sale.
4. The first studio is small and pretty simple.
My first impression of being on a porn set is how clinically bright the lights feel. My second impression? Everything is very, very clean, something our guide says Kink prides itself on. The air smells benign, a bit like cleaning products, and kind of like a doctor's office. (There's an actual doctor's office set, which you'll see later.)
About Cherry, a 2012 film about a rising porn actress which stars James Franco and Heather Graham, was apparently filmed on this set. It currently has a bleak 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Franco also produced his own documentary about the studio last year.
5. The floor of the set is squishy. At first I have an unsettling thought that this is from...fluids?
But it's not, says the tour guide. It's a soft floor to "manage sensations" so people don't get hurt when they're filming scenes that require them to be slammed into the floor, for instance.
6. In the hallway, we happen upon HUGE barrels of lube (one water-based, one silicone-based).
Each barrel holds 55 gallons, which serves as a three-month supply. I mean, I guess buying in bulk makes sense.
7. Next, we arrive at the "slaughterhouse room," and I start to get a little queasy from the bright lights and the hooks and the fake blood.
8. There is a bathtub full of...something.
9. The floor has a drain for water, all of which is temperature controlled to make the models (as Kink refers to its actors) more comfortable.
10. The whole thing is a little macabre, which, to be fair, is the point.
11. In the hall, we spot fake meat for the slaughterhouse scenes.
12. Also, racks of robes.
13. Next we come to the "electrocution room."
It's bright. Obscenely bright. I pray for anyone who has to work in here with a migraine.
14. I spy a stray packet of wet wipes.
15. There's a small cage in the electrocution room for someone to have their head locked in while being held upside down.
As a person with mild claustrophobia, my only thought is NOPE.
16. Our next set is a little more vanilla, as it's designed to mimic a regular house.
17. A fake kitchen with fake fruit and fake crackers.
18. There's also a bureau in the bathroom, for OBVIOUS reasons.*
*JK, I don't know what the bureau does.
19. A bed, naturally.
20. In the hallway, I come across the power supply for the "creepy bedroom."
21. And some props that look straight out of your great aunt's house in Buffalo.
22. All kinds of set prep stuff, just like you'd see at any film production company.
23. Then, there's the padded cell room.
Tourists love taking pics in this chair, FYI.
24. Hi, stains on the floor.
25. Next up is the medical room.
26. Complete with lab coat.
Is there a BDSM version of the Hippocratic oath?
27. Some tools, which I suspect are NOT used for filling the traditional type of cavities.
28. A tiny piano.
Well, now I'm curious.
29. Prop medical equipment.
30. Next is the speakeasy set, designed to look like a flapper-era watering hole.
"Public humiliation" scenes are often filmed here.
31. Our guide tells us the studio also rents out local businesses, like laundromats or grocery stores, to film scenes in. After hours, of course.
Consent is highly important to Kink, our guide explains. All models have "yes/no/maybe" lists for the acts they will and won't perform, and they use safe words: "Yellow" or "mercy" mean pause; "red" means "turn off the cameras." In addition, models do on-camera testimonials before and after intense scenes, where they discuss how they feel about the scene and their expectations for it.
Still, there's controversy. Last year a group of workers charged Kink with various allegations, including failure to pay worker's compensation, unlawful termination, and coercion of some performers into scenes that caused injuries. (Kink has denied allegations of improper treatment.)
32. Next we arrive on one of the main bondage sets.
33. I immediately zero in on this wall mount. See if you can figure out how it works.
(Answer: Someone is in there spread-eagled, upside down.)
34. There's this intense-looking chair.
35. Collars, floggers, and chains.
36. Power drills.
37. All kinds of tools.
38. Racks on racks on racks.
39. Gags and leashes.
40. Mousetraps?
41. We head back into the hallway past a warehouse of props, including this thing, which I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley.
42. We descend to the musty-smelling basement, which houses remnants of an actual creek.
The basement used to function as the shooting range, when the armory was actually an armory. Today, there are stripes of groundwater that used to flow into Mission Creek.
43. Then, we file into the wrestling arena, which is used for — yep — wrestling porn.
"The winner fucks the loser," our guide says. At this point, a guy on my tour gets impatient. "Are we gonna see something filming?" he asks, deadpan. Our guide lets him down. He seems crushed.
44. Accoutrements.
45. Next, we come to the drill court. George Lucas filmed explosion scenes from The Empire Strikes Back here.
It's hard to convey in a photo how massive this space is. It takes up almost an acre, and it served as a barricade and safety point for officers during the San Francisco strike riots of 1934. Kink says it has longterm plans to transform the drill court into a place of public assembly for events benefiting local communities.
46. Finally, we head upstairs to the studio's crown jewel: the Victorian room.
Kink holds regular "play parties" here for people in the city. It looks very Downton Abbey.
47. And toys there are.
48. The standout toy in the room is the "fucking machine."
49. To use it, you put a dildo on the end, and it does what it's supposed to do.
50. Handcuffs and buckets and other things.
51. Also, there's a really great view of the city, tbh.
52. And this statue.
53. We file back downstairs past elegant decor, like the kind in your richest relative's house.
54. ....except for the VERY detailed oil paintings of bondage scenes.
Unless you have some adventurous relatives.
55. On our way out, I spot a pamphlet on how to bondage top, which I present here to be service-y. (WARNING: photo of butt.)
The guide handed out cards with promo codes that will let us watch some free videos on Kink.com.
I took one and headed out into the cold fog of the city, letting a cleansing burst of fresh air wash over me. I expected to feel either mild revulsion or some sort of "yay can't wait to watch porn" paradigm shift at this moment, but instead I felt neither turned on nor turned off. Seeing how the porn sausage gets made, so to speak, wasn't really a sexy experience. Mostly it's like I'd just gone on a tour of a kinky hospital, thanks to all the bright lights and linoleum.
Later, I slipped the card into that teensy pocket on my suitcase that I always forget to check. Maybe some day I'll dig it out of there.
