The 7 Douchiest Greek Gods

Don't date 'em, ladies.

7. Hades

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• Abducted Persephone and literally made her life hell

• Trapped Theseus and Pirithous in the underworld using snakes

6. Dionysus

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• Lured Pentheus into the woods and has his own mom unknowingly tear him to shreds

• Made King Lycurgus slice his own son into pieces

• Partied a lot obviously

5. Hephaestus

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• Had lots of ladyfriends

• Caught his wife Aphrodite in bed with Ares, imprisoned them in a net, and took them to Mount Olympus for public shaming

• Made his own mom sit on a magic golden throne that wouldn't allow her to stand back up

4. Pan

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• Turned his crush Syrinx into a flute

• Had another crush, Echo, killed because she wasn't feeling it

• Taught shepherds how to masturbate

• Wrapped his junk in a sheepskin and seduced Selene, the moon goddess

3. Ares

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• Got with Aphrodite while she was still married

• Killed Adonis, who also wanted to get with Aphrodite

• Basically murdered everyone

• Had his throne on Mount Olympus made out of human skin

• Was such a dick no Greek city wanted him to be their patron god

2. Poseidon

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• Raped Medusa when she was a child

• Slept with his sister Demeter, who turned into a mare to avoid him; he turned himself into a stallion and was like LET'S DO THIS

• Screwed up Odysessus' journey by making him get in a shipwreck

• Made King Minos' wife have an affair with a bull

• Made a bunch of earthquakes when he got bored

1. Zeus

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• Had A LOT of mistresses

• Hired a nymph to distract Hera from his affairs by talking incessantly

• Turned into a bull and then raped Europa

• Turned a woman into a tortoise for refusing to go to his wedding

• Killed a guy with a thunderbolt for attempting to impersonate him, riding around in a bronze chariot and loudly imitating thunder (which is pretty hilarious TBH)

• Made Prometheus have his liver eaten by a giant eagle every day

• Threw one of his kids off Mount Olympus just because he was ugly