A Ranking Of The Hottest U.S. Presidents
Thirst-trapping our great nation since 1789.
43. John Quincy Adams
Bald with sideburns; probably has a Yahoo email address.
42. Chester A. Arthur
The fluffiest muttonchops in America.
41. Martin Van Buren
OMG HE'S THE DAD FROM EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.
40. James Buchanan
Texts back three days later with "Sorry, just saw this!"
39. Andrew Jackson
Not hot AND ideologically problematic.
38. Thomas Jefferson
Sort of hot, but problematic in every which way.
37. James Monroe
Still has an OkCupid account "just to take the quizzes."
36. Lyndon B. Johnson
Teases you for how long you take to get ready but then steals your pomade.
35. George Washington
Is completely and totally honest about the fact that he's dating six other people from Tinder.
34. John Adams
Makes you help powder his wig every night.
33. James Polk
Definitely writes Yelp reviews in verse.
32. Benjamin Harrison
Still uses his ex-gf's dad's Netflix password.
31. Richard Nixon
So...oily.
30. Dwight D. Eisenhower
Makes you call him "Ike" in bed.
29. William Henry Harrison
Bites into string cheese instead of peeling it.
28. George H.W. Bush
Won't let you have any of his fries.
27. John Tyler
Orders pizza with pineapple and a side of ranch.
26. Zachary Taylor
Likes his own posts on Instagram.
25. James Madison
Definitely uptight, probably brags a lot about not owning a TV.
24. Andrew Johnson
A more ill-fated Tommy Lee Jones.
23. James Garfield
A more rugged Louis C.K.!!!
22. Grover Cleveland
Makes you call him "Grove" in public.
21. Gerald Ford
Eats burritos with a knife and fork.
20. George W. Bush
I mean, yeah. But Kim Kardashian called him a "cute little president," so.
19. William Howard Taft
Like a big, cuddly, executive teddy bear.
18. Woodrow Wilson
So "sexy librarian" in those glasses.
17. Rutherford B. Hayes
The "B" stands for Brooklyn, judging by the beard.
16. Calvin Coolidge
The strong, silent type. Secretly kinky!
15. Warren G. Harding
Brows on fleek since before you were born, son.
14. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Super handsome; saved America.
13. Ronald Reagan
Actual movie star; makes you call it "bae-ganomics."
12. Millard Fillmore
He might look like the dad from Downton Abbey, but just try whispering the name "Millard" erotically.
11. Harry S. Truman
The "S" stands for SEX MACHINE.
10. Herbert Hoover
Will definitely buy you the top-shelf champagne.
9. Abraham Lincoln
More like BABEraham Lincoln!!!!!!
8. William McKinley
UNF, look at that jawline.
7. Jimmy Carter
Classically handsome; will make you a PB&J.
6. Teddy Roosevelt
The ORIGINAL lumbersexual.
5. Bill Clinton
LOL.
4. Ulysses S. Grant
He can fight for my embattled piece of the United States anytime.
3. John F. Kennedy
DOES ANYONE EVER HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS CHOICE.
2. Franklin Pierce
Look at those cheekbones! You'd hit it. You know you would.
1. Barack Obama
Will buy you a shave ice, the original PILF, "slay me daddy," etc.