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25 Sexy Halloween Costumes For Men That Should NOT Exist

MY EYES. (NSFW-ish.)

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1. "Beer Schlong"

The "schlong" unscrews to hold two beer cans, which I guess is convenient.
3wishes.com

The "schlong" unscrews to hold two beer cans, which I guess is convenient.

2. Jack Hammer

Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it.
3wishes.com

Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it.

3. "Down for the Count" costume with inflatable girl

This costume SUCKS.
costumehub.com*&currIndex=0&pageSize=60&currSort=score&sortDirection=desc

This costume SUCKS.

4. "Party In My Pants"

"Hey ladies, there's a pants in my invited and you're party."
abcunderwear.com

"Hey ladies, there's a pants in my invited and you're party."

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5. "Long Schlong"

Because there's nothing women love more than a 2.5-foot sequined one. (Ladies, you shouldn't wear that bikini top, either. STAY STRONG.)
3wishes.com

Because there's nothing women love more than a 2.5-foot sequined one. (Ladies, you shouldn't wear that bikini top, either. STAY STRONG.)

6. Lumberjack Woodpecker

Paul Bunyan didn't die for our sins for THIS.
3wishes.com

Paul Bunyan didn't die for our sins for THIS.

7. Major Hardon

Maybe if you put a shirt on you'd get promoted to colonel, sir.
3wishes.com

Maybe if you put a shirt on you'd get promoted to colonel, sir.

8. Mini Peekaboo Kilt

What if there's a BREEZE???!!!???
abcunderwear.com

What if there's a BREEZE???!!!???

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9. Drillmaster

No thank you, sexy version of Jon Gosselin.
costumesupercenter.com

No thank you, sexy version of Jon Gosselin.

10. Big Balls Scratch-Off Ticket

This costume is nuts.
amazon.com

This costume is nuts.

11. "Rock Out with your Cock Out"

That chicken looks so perturbed.
abcunderwear.com

That chicken looks so perturbed.

12. Guilty Pleasure Singlet

I don't believe this is prison issue, sir. Sir?
3wishes.com

I don't believe this is prison issue, sir. Sir?

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13. "Let's Get Physical" costume

SIGH.
costumesupercenter.com!pla!!!18283950120!g!!28652767730&utm_source=GoogleBase&source=productlistings&id=18283950120&CAWELAID=

SIGH.

14. "Hung Like a Horse"

Hung like a horse's decapitated polyester likeness.
abcunderwear.com

Hung like a horse's decapitated polyester likeness.

15. "Biggest Show on Earth"

Sigh.

16. "Heavy Hose" Firefighter

I don't believe this would be useful in preventing any sort of actual fire emergency.
3wishes.com

I don't believe this would be useful in preventing any sort of actual fire emergency.

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17. "Morning Wood" costume

No. NO.

18. "Wild Man"

How many mini sateen zebras had to die for this?
3wishes.com

How many mini sateen zebras had to die for this?

19. "Genie in the Lamp" costume

Nope.

20. "Strapping Santa"

This is only acceptable if Santa is wearing it because then it's like one of those endless GIF loops.
3wishes.com

This is only acceptable if Santa is wearing it because then it's like one of those endless GIF loops.

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21. "Lucky Green Bun Hugger"

"He was so sexy. He had the fake beard of a Duck Dynasty uncle and the underwear game of an Irish Chippendales's dancer."
3wishes.com

"He was so sexy. He had the fake beard of a Duck Dynasty uncle and the underwear game of an Irish Chippendales's dancer."

22. Sexy Ring Toss

I want all my outfits to come with a painfully literal top hat explaining its theme.
trendtimes.com

I want all my outfits to come with a painfully literal top hat explaining its theme.

23. Banana Flasher

I'm more haunted by everything north of the equator tbh.
costumesupercenter.com!pla!!!18283950120!g!!28652767730&utm_source=GoogleBase&source=productlistings&id=18283950120&CAWELAID=1564065152

I'm more haunted by everything north of the equator tbh.

24. Breathalyzer Costume

Alternate Breathalyzer test: If you're drunk enough to think blowing into that is a good idea, it's time to go home.
partycity.com

Alternate Breathalyzer test: If you're drunk enough to think blowing into that is a good idea, it's time to go home.

25. "Country Lovin' costume" with inflatable lamb

DON'T YOU DARE BRING LAMBS INTO THIS.
wholesalehalloweencostumes.com!pla!!!20224360076!g!!35317018436&utm_source=GoogleBase&source=productlistings&id=20224360076&CAWELAID=907

DON'T YOU DARE BRING LAMBS INTO THIS.