Buzz·Posted on Oct 11, 201325 Sexy Halloween Costumes For Men That Should NOT ExistMY EYES. (NSFW-ish.)by Jessica MisenerBuzzFeed StaffFacebookPinterestTwitterMailLink 1. "Beer Schlong" 3wishes.com The "schlong" unscrews to hold two beer cans, which I guess is convenient. 2. Jack Hammer 3wishes.com Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it. 3. "Down for the Count" costume with inflatable girl costumehub.com*&currIndex=0&pageSize=60&currSort=score&sortDirection=desc This costume SUCKS. 4. "Party In My Pants" abcunderwear.com "Hey ladies, there's a pants in my invited and you're party." 5. "Long Schlong" 3wishes.com Because there's nothing women love more than a 2.5-foot sequined one. (Ladies, you shouldn't wear that bikini top, either. STAY STRONG.) 6. Lumberjack Woodpecker 3wishes.com Paul Bunyan didn't die for our sins for THIS. 7. Major Hardon 3wishes.com Maybe if you put a shirt on you'd get promoted to colonel, sir. 8. Mini Peekaboo Kilt abcunderwear.com What if there's a BREEZE???!!!??? 9. Drillmaster costumesupercenter.com No thank you, sexy version of Jon Gosselin. 10. Big Balls Scratch-Off Ticket amazon.com This costume is nuts. 11. "Rock Out with your Cock Out" abcunderwear.com That chicken looks so perturbed. 12. Guilty Pleasure Singlet 3wishes.com I don't believe this is prison issue, sir. Sir? 13. "Let's Get Physical" costume costumesupercenter.com!pla!!!18283950120!g!!28652767730&utm_source=GoogleBase&source=productlistings&id=18283950120&CAWELAID= SIGH. 14. "Hung Like a Horse" abcunderwear.com Hung like a horse's decapitated polyester likeness. 15. "Biggest Show on Earth" abcunderwear.com Sigh. 16. "Heavy Hose" Firefighter 3wishes.com I don't believe this would be useful in preventing any sort of actual fire emergency. 17. "Morning Wood" costume costumesupercenter.com No. NO. 18. "Wild Man" 3wishes.com How many mini sateen zebras had to die for this? 19. "Genie in the Lamp" costume costumesupercenter.com Nope. 20. "Strapping Santa" 3wishes.com This is only acceptable if Santa is wearing it because then it's like one of those endless GIF loops. 21. "Lucky Green Bun Hugger" 3wishes.com "He was so sexy. He had the fake beard of a Duck Dynasty uncle and the underwear game of an Irish Chippendales's dancer." 22. Sexy Ring Toss trendtimes.com I want all my outfits to come with a painfully literal top hat explaining its theme. 23. Banana Flasher costumesupercenter.com!pla!!!18283950120!g!!28652767730&utm_source=GoogleBase&source=productlistings&id=18283950120&CAWELAID=1564065152 I'm more haunted by everything north of the equator tbh. 24. Breathalyzer Costume partycity.com Alternate Breathalyzer test: If you're drunk enough to think blowing into that is a good idea, it's time to go home. 25. "Country Lovin' costume" with inflatable lamb wholesalehalloweencostumes.com!pla!!!20224360076!g!!35317018436&utm_source=GoogleBase&source=productlistings&id=20224360076&CAWELAID=907 DON'T YOU DARE BRING LAMBS INTO THIS.