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25 Sexy Halloween Costumes For Men That Should NOT Exist

MY EYES. (NSFW-ish.)

1. "Beer Schlong"

3wishes.com

The "schlong" unscrews to hold two beer cans, which I guess is convenient.

2. Jack Hammer

3wishes.com

Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it.

3. "Down for the Count" costume with inflatable girl

costumehub.com*&currIndex=0&pageSize=60&currSort=score&sortDirection=desc

This costume SUCKS.

4. "Party In My Pants"

abcunderwear.com

"Hey ladies, there's a pants in my invited and you're party."

5. "Long Schlong"

3wishes.com

Because there's nothing women love more than a 2.5-foot sequined one. (Ladies, you shouldn't wear that bikini top, either. STAY STRONG.)

6. Lumberjack Woodpecker

3wishes.com

Paul Bunyan didn't die for our sins for THIS.

7. Major Hardon

3wishes.com

Maybe if you put a shirt on you'd get promoted to colonel, sir.

8. Mini Peekaboo Kilt

abcunderwear.com

What if there's a BREEZE???!!!???

9. Drillmaster

costumesupercenter.com

No thank you, sexy version of Jon Gosselin.

10. Big Balls Scratch-Off Ticket

amazon.com

This costume is nuts.

11. "Rock Out with your Cock Out"

abcunderwear.com

That chicken looks so perturbed.

12. Guilty Pleasure Singlet

3wishes.com

I don't believe this is prison issue, sir. Sir?

13. "Let's Get Physical" costume

costumesupercenter.com!pla!!!18283950120!g!!28652767730&utm_source=GoogleBase&source=productlistings&id=18283950120&CAWELAID=

SIGH.

14. "Hung Like a Horse"

abcunderwear.com

Hung like a horse's decapitated polyester likeness.

15. "Biggest Show on Earth"

16. "Heavy Hose" Firefighter

3wishes.com

I don't believe this would be useful in preventing any sort of actual fire emergency.

17. "Morning Wood" costume

18. "Wild Man"

3wishes.com

How many mini sateen zebras had to die for this?

19. "Genie in the Lamp" costume

20. "Strapping Santa"

3wishes.com

This is only acceptable if Santa is wearing it because then it's like one of those endless GIF loops.

21. "Lucky Green Bun Hugger"

3wishes.com

"He was so sexy. He had the fake beard of a Duck Dynasty uncle and the underwear game of an Irish Chippendales's dancer."

22. Sexy Ring Toss

trendtimes.com

I want all my outfits to come with a painfully literal top hat explaining its theme.

23. Banana Flasher

costumesupercenter.com!pla!!!18283950120!g!!28652767730&utm_source=GoogleBase&source=productlistings&id=18283950120&CAWELAID=1564065152

I'm more haunted by everything north of the equator tbh.

24. Breathalyzer Costume

partycity.com

Alternate Breathalyzer test: If you're drunk enough to think blowing into that is a good idea, it's time to go home.

25. "Country Lovin' costume" with inflatable lamb

wholesalehalloweencostumes.com!pla!!!20224360076!g!!35317018436&utm_source=GoogleBase&source=productlistings&id=20224360076&CAWELAID=907

DON'T YOU DARE BRING LAMBS INTO THIS.

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