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25 Reasons To Come To My Stoop Sale This Weekend

My friends and I are having a stoop sale. Please come and buy all of our crap.

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Come buy this stuff:

1. Freedom signed by Jonathan Franzen

A couple years ago, I waited on a long line at the New School to meet JFranz. He had given a talk about — OF COURSE — birdwatching. I was ridiculously nervous, so I decided what joke I was going to say to him as soon as I got in line, and then rehearsed it over and over in my mind as I snaked my way towards the front. I finally got to him and told him my name, ready to exhale my joke. "If I've only read half the book so far," I blurted, "do I only get half an autograph?" He peered up at me through his famous glasses with a smidge of disdain, like he wished his glasses were Transition lenses and they were currently sunglassing over to shield him from my horribleness. "No," he said, and signed my book with the full Franzen. I never finished Freedom, because I hated it.PRICE: $1

A couple years ago, I waited on a long line at the New School to meet JFranz. He had given a talk about — OF COURSE — birdwatching. I was ridiculously nervous, so I decided what joke I was going to say to him as soon as I got in line, and then rehearsed it over and over in my mind as I snaked my way towards the front.

I finally got to him and told him my name, ready to exhale my joke. "If I've only read half the book so far," I blurted, "do I only get half an autograph?"

He peered up at me through his famous glasses with a smidge of disdain, like he wished his glasses were Transition lenses and they were currently sunglassing over to shield him from my horribleness. "No," he said, and signed my book with the full Franzen. I never finished Freedom, because I hated it.


PRICE:
$1

2. This top.

I bought it at a mall in Providence, Rhode Island, and lovingly escorted it home on the Megabus. You could wear it on an OKCupid date.PRICE: $5

I bought it at a mall in Providence, Rhode Island, and lovingly escorted it home on the Megabus. You could wear it on an OKCupid date.

PRICE: $5

3. This Huffington Post water bottle

You can put water in it, and it says "The Huffington Post" on it.PRICE: $2

You can put water in it, and it says "The Huffington Post" on it.

PRICE: $2

4. Taipei by Tao Lin

I am an avowed non-reader of Tao Lin, but I took this from my friend Beca's stoop sale because I heard it was good. I haven't been able to open it because just looking at the cover sends me into a frothing rage. I will probably let someone have this for free.PRICE: please just take it away from me

I am an avowed non-reader of Tao Lin, but I took this from my friend Beca's stoop sale because I heard it was good. I haven't been able to open it because just looking at the cover sends me into a frothing rage. I will probably let someone have this for free.

PRICE: please just take it away from me

5. This print from Etsy

It's a Sheryl Crow lyric, and I used to have it on my desk at work, but I think my colleagues didn't get the reference and thought it was a stern warning that they'd better be SERIOUS AS FUCK when they approached me. So I had to bring it home.PRICE: $5

It's a Sheryl Crow lyric, and I used to have it on my desk at work, but I think my colleagues didn't get the reference and thought it was a stern warning that they'd better be SERIOUS AS FUCK when they approached me. So I had to bring it home.

PRICE: $5

6. This pretty cool hat. I used to wear it to the park.

I think it's from Urban.PRICE: I guess like $2?

I think it's from Urban.

PRICE: I guess like $2?

7. This hippie book about stomachs.

PRICE: $1

PRICE: $1

8. These sunglasses.

They make me look like Elton John if he lived in Williamsburg circa 2008 and had bangs, but they might look much cooler on you.PRICE: $1

They make me look like Elton John if he lived in Williamsburg circa 2008 and had bangs, but they might look much cooler on you.

PRICE: $1

9. The COMPLETE season one of The Millionaire Matchmaker on DVD.

Hoo boy. What a gem. Who even watches DVDs anymore? You will when you get a whiff of this fine, fine slice of Bravo entertainment.PRICE: $1

Hoo boy. What a gem. Who even watches DVDs anymore? You will when you get a whiff of this fine, fine slice of Bravo entertainment.

PRICE: $1

10. Hanukkah nail decals

These are SO cool, don't wait eight days to come buy these

These are SO cool, don't wait eight days to come buy these

11. The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama

I Hope you have the Audacity to buy this at my stoop sale!PRICE: $1

I Hope you have the Audacity to buy this at my stoop sale!

PRICE: $1

12. This ukulele

I impulse-bought this while drunk, and now you can too!PRICE: don't know yet

I impulse-bought this while drunk, and now you can too!

PRICE: don't know yet

13. This Betsey Johnson laptop case.

I can picture someone on Wall Street using this as a refined briefcase full of Important Stocks and Bonds and Ferragamo LoafersPRICE: $5

I can picture someone on Wall Street using this as a refined briefcase full of Important Stocks and Bonds and Ferragamo Loafers

PRICE: $5

14. These flats.

Size 7 and only missing one of the pointy things!PRICE: $9

Size 7 and only missing one of the pointy things!

PRICE: $9

15. This ancient Greek-English dictionary.

I got this in grad school. It's the #1 rated Greek lexicon, and every classics student worth her lack of actual life skills owns one. Ugh, I don't know. Here's the thing. You know those books you still have from college that you don't really read anymore, but just schlep from apartment to apartment? What do you do with those? Because there's that nostalgic part of you that would ache if you got rid of it, but still, why hang on to books you don't even read anymore? So I don't know. I might not sell this. Well, also because literally who wants a fucking ancient Greek dictionary.

I got this in grad school. It's the #1 rated Greek lexicon, and every classics student worth her lack of actual life skills owns one.

Ugh, I don't know. Here's the thing. You know those books you still have from college that you don't really read anymore, but just schlep from apartment to apartment? What do you do with those? Because there's that nostalgic part of you that would ache if you got rid of it, but still, why hang on to books you don't even read anymore? So I don't know. I might not sell this. Well, also because literally who wants a fucking ancient Greek dictionary.

16. This medical boot if you have a sprained ankle or foot.

Actually, maybe it is illegal to sell used "medical equipment"? hi NYPD

Actually, maybe it is illegal to sell used "medical equipment"? hi NYPD

17. A like-new Clarisonic

This is my big ticket item. I am including one free new brush! This will change your life. I am serious.PRICE: still deciding

This is my big ticket item. I am including one free new brush! This will change your life. I am serious.

PRICE: still deciding

18. This tiny bottle of Maker's Mark that I took from Mindy Kaling's trailer and ran away.

I will tell you more of the story if you come to my stoop sale.

I will tell you more of the story if you come to my stoop sale.

19. Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer

This is a good book if you want to cry every time you try to eat a hamburger. I also heard a rumor that he lives in my neighborhood so maybe this will be our meet cute?PRICE: $1

This is a good book if you want to cry every time you try to eat a hamburger. I also heard a rumor that he lives in my neighborhood so maybe this will be our meet cute?

PRICE: $1

20. This necklace.

Purchased in a Target clearance section in North Haven, Conn., circa 2009. When I wear it I look like I'm wearing a Sexy Bob The Builder Halloween costume, but you might rock it.PRICE: $2

Purchased in a Target clearance section in North Haven, Conn., circa 2009. When I wear it I look like I'm wearing a Sexy Bob The Builder Halloween costume, but you might rock it.

PRICE: $2

21. This scarf.

If you are thinking, "OMG, that's sooooo Modcloth," well, you are right my friend.PRICE: $3

If you are thinking, "OMG, that's sooooo Modcloth," well, you are right my friend.

PRICE: $3

22. A Homedics HEPA air filter

It's peak ragweed season, people! Let this sexy Homedics machine seduce the pollen into its mechanical maw and barf out clean air.PRICE: $20

It's peak ragweed season, people! Let this sexy Homedics machine seduce the pollen into its mechanical maw and barf out clean air.

PRICE: $20

23. This bluetooth keyboard for a Nexus 7.

I do not own a Nexus 7.PRICE: $3

I do not own a Nexus 7.

PRICE: $3

24. Dire Straits' Brothers in Arms on vinyl

ahhhh this album is so good ahhhhh(I'll be selling more vinyl, too)PRICE: $1

ahhhh this album is so good ahhhhh

(I'll be selling more vinyl, too)

PRICE: $1

25. Hello Kitty UNO™

haha like I need to even promote this, this shit is going to KILL in Park Slope

haha like I need to even promote this, this shit is going to KILL in Park Slope

My friends are selling stuff too, and their stuff is definitely better than mine.

When: Saturday, Sept. 20 from 11-ish on

Where: Park Slope in Brooklyn (if you're in the NYC area, contact me for more details)

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