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25 Reasons To Come To My Stoop Sale This Weekend

My friends and I are having a stoop sale. Please come and buy all of our crap.

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1. Freedom signed by Jonathan Franzen

A couple years ago, I waited on a long line at the New School to meet JFranz. He had given a talk about — OF COURSE — birdwatching. I was ridiculously nervous, so I decided what joke I was going to say to him as soon as I got in line, and then rehearsed it over and over in my mind as I snaked my way towards the front.

I finally got to him and told him my name, ready to exhale my joke. "If I've only read half the book so far," I blurted, "do I only get half an autograph?"

He peered up at me through his famous glasses with a smidge of disdain, like he wished his glasses were Transition lenses and they were currently sunglassing over to shield him from my horribleness. "No," he said, and signed my book with the full Franzen. I never finished Freedom, because I hated it.


PRICE:
$1

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4. Taipei by Tao Lin

I am an avowed non-reader of Tao Lin, but I took this from my friend Beca's stoop sale because I heard it was good. I haven't been able to open it because just looking at the cover sends me into a frothing rage. I will probably let someone have this for free.

PRICE: please just take it away from me

5. This print from Etsy

It's a Sheryl Crow lyric, and I used to have it on my desk at work, but I think my colleagues didn't get the reference and thought it was a stern warning that they'd better be SERIOUS AS FUCK when they approached me. So I had to bring it home.

PRICE: $5

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9. The COMPLETE season one of The Millionaire Matchmaker on DVD.

Hoo boy. What a gem. Who even watches DVDs anymore? You will when you get a whiff of this fine, fine slice of Bravo entertainment.

PRICE: $1

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15. This ancient Greek-English dictionary.

I got this in grad school. It's the #1 rated Greek lexicon, and every classics student worth her lack of actual life skills owns one.

Ugh, I don't know. Here's the thing. You know those books you still have from college that you don't really read anymore, but just schlep from apartment to apartment? What do you do with those? Because there's that nostalgic part of you that would ache if you got rid of it, but still, why hang on to books you don't even read anymore? So I don't know. I might not sell this. Well, also because literally who wants a fucking ancient Greek dictionary.

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19. Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer

This is a good book if you want to cry every time you try to eat a hamburger. I also heard a rumor that he lives in my neighborhood so maybe this will be our meet cute?

PRICE: $1

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20. This necklace.

Purchased in a Target clearance section in North Haven, Conn., circa 2009. When I wear it I look like I'm wearing a Sexy Bob The Builder Halloween costume, but you might rock it.

PRICE: $2

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My friends are selling stuff too, and their stuff is definitely better than mine.

When: Saturday, Sept. 20 from 11-ish on

Where: Park Slope in Brooklyn (if you're in the NYC area, contact me for more details)