Why Don't They Just Grab A Colin The Caterpillar, And 17 Other Thoughts I Had While Watching "The GBBO" For The First Time

"One of the main issues is the misuse of disused tissues" – a phrase I never thought I'd hear.

Let me explain myself. I love to eat, but I'm no chef. I'm also not a sweet-toothed kinda girl – give me a cheese board over a cake any day!

Channel 4

For that reason, Great British Bake Off has never appealed to me. BUT, there's only so many times you can be met with the look of horror when you tell people you've never watched it. (They tend to look at me a little like the GIF above). So, I finally caved and decided to give the first episode of the current series six a go, and here's my thoughts...

As an aesthetically-pleasing kitchenware lover, the pastel-hued marquee and fancy appliances are appealing to me more than the cakes, soz.

BBC One

I mean, would you look at that whisk?

Okay, but Dawn's handmade sugar figurines in the VT? Now they're impressive.

BBC One

I mean the time, the effort, the skill...

And in Janusz's VT, sausage dog Nigel has very much piqued my interest.

Jess Brunt / BuzzFeed

Now I couldn't in fact find a picture of said sausage, so this is not Nigel, but is in fact my very own beautiful sausage dog – you're welcome.

I'm not bothered about cakes, but even I got a little nervous at the mention of Prue and Paul defrosting...

Channel 4

The countdown is on...

Some of the contestants were told their cakes were dry. Excuse me, but I'd have to let them know beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There goes my invitation to take part in the next series.

BBC One

Actual footage of the face I'd pull if I was told this.

The mention that there *might* be too much coffee in Rebs' cake didn't sit right with me. It's basically liquid gold people.

France 3

Glug, glug, glug.

However, I'm very much here for Prue's assessment of Janusz's boozy cake. Chin chin!

NBC

I mean, if there's one thing that'd make me try a cake, it's the addition of a tipple.

Now, if I were poor Rebs and realised my creation wasn't fully cooked, I'd have hot-footed it to M&S (other retailers are available) and grabbed a Colin the Caterpillar rather than deal with all the drama.

Channel 4

Lazy girl vibes, I know.

Also, can we just take a moment to talk about the mess? The tidy girl in me needs to ask 'have you ever heard of cleaning as-you-go people?'

BBC One

Minus points from me.

During my time watching Bake Off, I had many questions. The main one being, do they not say 'soggy bottom' regularly or was this a one-off viral quip?

BBC 2

Asking for a friend.

And in GBBO life lessons, I felt personally attacked when Rebs casually said "panicking is for losers."

BBC One

Oh yeah cool as a cucumber me.

One hour later, and I'm still trying to get my head around "one of the main issues is the misuse of disused tissues"...or something like that.

Fox

Sorry, that's too much. 

After stopping for a quick tea break, I nearly spat my cuppa out when I saw Syabira's phallic-looking coconut tree taking form.

BBC One

Let's leave this one here, shall we?

Also, why is no-one talking about how loud the eating noises sound on TV when they try the cakes? (no hate, it could be any one of us tbf).

ITV

It's like the snogging noises on Love Island all over again.

PSA: I won't be accepting any birthday cakes without a 'coconut rain' spray from now on.

Fox

I mean, cool or what?

Can we talk about how confused and hurt I was to hear the word 'claggy' in use. No, no, and an additional no.

NBC

Thank goodness they didn't say moist.

On the flip-side, I was thrilled to be reminded of the phrase 'higgledy piggledy' TBH.

Nickelodeon

BRB, finding a way to weave it into every sentence.

Finally, let's talk about the first elimination. Imagine applying for the show, boasting to anyone who'll listen that you're going on, being nervous AF to show of your best baking skills and then being eliminated at the first hurdle. I can't cope.

Channel 4

Harsh doesn't cut it.

Are you watching Bake Off? Let us know who you want to win in the comments!