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Lobsters' Mating Habits Will Make You Feel Better About Your Love Life

They pee out of their faces, guys. THEIR FACES.

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We need to talk about lobsters. We need to talk about lobsters NOW. Because lobsters are insane. They are the weirdest f**king creatures to scuttle this hallowed earth. They are literally grumpy pee-savoring cannibals, boogeying across the ocean floor.

For starters, lobsters pee out of their faces.

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From little holes above their eyes.

Lobsters are also CANNIBALS.

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They scuttle around all lobster-like lookin' for stuff to eat and sometimes that's each other. This is kind of our fault.

To seduce their lobster mates, female lobsters shed their shells and pee everywhere.

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YOU READ IT HERE FIRST, LADIES!

"Lobsters hate each other and fight over everything all the time."

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That is a verbatim quote from a very legit scientist in National Geographic.

Every night, the ~alpha male lobster~ goes around beating up all the other lobsters in the neighborhood to assert his dominance.

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He literally kicks all the other lobsters out of their little lobster houses in an alpha male rage.

After being beaten up by the alpha lobster, female lobsters will line up outside of his lobster house. For sex.

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Because lady lobsters, like ALL lobsters, have SMALL ILLOGICAL LOBSTER BRAINS.

But the alpha male lobsters are super belligerent after a night out beatin' up the townspeople, so the female lobsters have to calm them down by peeing everywhere in their house.

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Not only do lobsters ~get it on~ by peeing, they also fight by peeing on each other. From those pee-holes on their faces.

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Hey George how's it goin'--- OH GOD, YOU'RE PEEING ON ME, IS THIS A COME-ON OR DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? GEORGE???

Lobsters have sex in the missionary position.

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Lobsters recognize each other because of their face-urine.

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If you blindfold a lobster it can still tell who its friends are! Just kidding, lobsters have no friends. But they can tell who's who.

After shedding her shell, the female lobster is vulnerable and has to live with the alpha lobster until her shell grows back. Then she's like, "Bye."

Lobsters, man. LOBSTERS.

h/t National Geographic

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