Recently, a wife wondered if she was an asshole after she asked her husband to stop inviting his overly critical mom to their daughter's piano performances, and I MUST know what your thoughts are.
"Situation is pretty frustrating to say the least. But let's start with some context: my husband and I have a 13-year-old daughter. She plays piano and has participated in several plays in and outside of school."
"Now here's the thing, my husband invites his mom to every performance our daughter has. Not saying he shouldn't, BUT, many times she'd put my daughter down and point out where she 'messed up' and what she needed to work on. (Hello? She's not even an expert in this.) This happens every time!"
"My daughter has picked up on these negative comments and her self-esteem kept getting low and by extension, her performance kept getting low as well. I told my husband his mom needs to either stop putting our daughter down or stop coming to her plays. He said his mom is the grandmother and should be included in these events as 'support.'"
"Our daughter had a performance this past Wednesday. I told my husband that his mom can sit this one out, but he said it was too late because he sent her a link of the date and location of the event. I sighed and said nothing."
"His mom arrived like 20 minutes later, sat next to him, and kept pulling him close while whispering in his ear. I just rolled my eyes hard. Once the play was over and after we got a chance to see our daughter who looked nervous and was shaking, my mother-in-law looked at her and said, 'Let me just say that today's performance was disappointing.'"
"My daughter was in shock and I was floored completely. My daughter started crying and then rushed away. My mother-in-law then casually said, 'Oh I have to go now, I have an appointment with the salon for Chloe's (her other granddaughter) birthday party.'"
"I was fuming — I told her what she said to my daughter was not okay and that she made her upset. She said something along the line of 'just telling it how it is' then left. We went home and I lost it on my husband telling him his mom just keeps putting our daughter down and it's not right! He said I'm being overdramatic and what his mom's doing is just constructive criticism."
"I told him from now on he needs to stop inviting her to our daughter's performances. He said I was being ridiculous and that I shouldn't expect his mom to be excluded from her granddaughter's life like that. We had a big argument and now my daughter isn't even interested in playing anymore, my husband said I was way out of line and shouldn't use our daughter in my fight with his mom. He also called me controlling and vicious. AITA?"
I don't know about you, but I am speechless after reading that.
The people of Reddit, however, had much to say about the situation.
Most agreed that the wife was not the asshole and that the husband was to blame in this instance, including a user who goes by u/wendypeffercornisa10.
"Next time you and your husband are intimate, roll over afterwards and say, 'Let me just say that tonight’s performance was disappointing' and see how he likes that 'constructive criticism.'"
Another user who goes by u/i_am_soooo_screwed also pointed out how harmful the husband's actions were.
"If he was healthy minded, he would see the effects that his mother’s comments have on his daughter’s feelings and — since he has empathy and cares — would put his daughter first."
"But he doesn’t give enough of a shit for your feelings or his daughter’s, hence the not listening, not caring, and perpetuating the verbal abuse of his daughter. And this IS verbal abuse. It’s low self esteem created by a thousand cuts."
Someone else added that the reason the husband was so blind to his mother's actions was because he was probably subject to the same "constructive criticism" from her.
"The fruit fell directly under the tree and never moved. I'm so sorry to say it sounds like you married a narcissist, raised by a narcissist," u/SamW20910 said.
Others advised the wife to cut her husband out of the picture ASAP.
"Remove your husband from receiving the Information on your daughter's activities.
He is the same as his mother. He doesn't see anything wrong because that was how he was raised," u/McflyThrowaway01 said.
"But honestly I would refuse to be in a marriage where my husband thinks nothing of how his daughter is treated. I would not want my daughter around that, and at 13, your kid is able to voice who she wants to be around."