Well, another season of Riverdale has ended. And since I've been recapping all of the bonkers and highly-entertaining things that happened all season long, I've decided to put together a master list. It's…a lot. Please enjoy.
1. Season 4 began with an incredibly touching tribute to Luke Perry. We learned that Fred Andrews died when he was hit by a car while helping out a stranger (played by Luke's former 90210 costar Shannen Doherty). The episode took place on the Fourth of July weekend.
2. Episode 2 of Season 4 kicked off a few months later at the start of senior year. Jughead was offered a spot at the prestigious Stonewall Prep boarding school, which he ultimately took.
3. Betty had a hard time trusting Kevin after that whole thing where he almost had her lobotomized.
4. There was a new principal, Mr. Honey (played by my Dawson's Creek fave, Kerr Smith), because, if you recall, Weatherbee was a FARMIE and he canceled the school dance because the last one had too many murders at it. (I personally think that's fair???)
5. Just a reminder Cheryl kept Jason's corpse and talks to it. This will be extremely important shortly.
6. Moose transferred to Stonewall Prep and goes by the name "Marmaduke."
7. The Farmies literally murdered a dude while Betty and her brother Charles listened.
8. Nana Rose ranted about triplets burning in a fire.
9. Edgar Evernever sent Polly to Charles and Betty with a BOMB strapped to her chest, which high school senior Betty Cooper had to figure out how to defuse despite being in a room of FBI agents.
10. Archie became a vigilante and got a new BAD GUY to defeat — some dude named Dodger. He attacked a bunch of guys "in disguise" (wearing a tiny mask) and survived.
11. We learned Edgar's big plan: to drive a bus full of Farmies off a cliff WHILE HE TAKES OFF IN A LITERAL ROCKET?????????
12. Mr. Weatherbee lost a finger, I guess because Edgar thought he was a mole?
13. Alice shot and killed Edgar Evernever. (Maybe CMM will star as a grandpa on the CW in 30 years.)
14. Toni "met" Jason's corpse and was a little bit too casual about the whole thing, tbh.
15. On Halloween in Riverdale, everybody received a creepy videotape. They also all still have VCRs and TVs straight out of the 1950s.
16. Alice and FP officially became a couple, which means the Coopers and the Joneses are one big, happy, slightly incestuous family.
17. After family dinner with Jason's corpse, Toni requested that Cheryl rebury him, so they rebury him together.
18. Moose aka Marmaduke was nicknamed Gargoyle Boy.
19. There was a creepy doll that we were supposed to believe was the ghost of Jason Blossom.
20. Donna (Jughead's Stonewall classmate) drugged him and he got trapped in a box.
21. Betty started getting calls from the Black Hood again.
22. Veronica got trapped in Pop's with a serial killer and lit him on fire.
23. There was a séance where Cheryl and Nana Rose tried to gaslight Toni into letting them bring back Jason's corpse.
24. Nana Rose told Cheryl that she and Jason WERE ACTUALLY TRIPLETS and their brother's name was Julian, but Cheryl ate him in the womb and then Penelope raised the creepy doll as Julian. (!!!!!!!!!)
25. Mr. Honey TP-ed Reggie's car.
26. Charles convinced Betty that Polly was the one making the Black Hood calls.
27. There was a shooting at the El Royale, and Eddie (a character, I swear) was shot. (I am so sorry if this is the first time I've mentioned that Archie opened a community center called the El Royale, but, well, here it is!)
28. Cheryl combed corpse Jason's hair.
29. Archie decided to be a superhero, like, for real. He's, like, a full-time masked vigilante who goes after "bad people." Okay, cool?
30. Charles turned out to be bad! I'm shocked!
31. Jughead was revealed to be dead in the flash-forward.
32. Betty and Kevin (who she forgave for the whole lobotomy thing) joined the high school FBI program together.
33. There was some kind of plot with Hiram and Veronica that I can't really remember, but he wanted out of jail and she bribed the governor AGAIN. Also, he runs for mayor. Whatever.
34. Betty reconfirmed the fact that she DOES have the serial killer genes and relived the moment when she killed her cat, Caramel, but Kevin convinced her that was actually her dad's fault.
35. Hiram turned out to have a secret daughter named Hermosa.
36. Charles said he also has the serial killer genes.
37. In the flash-forward, Betty, Veronica, and Archie were arrested for Jughead's murder.
38. Archie singlehandedly broke up a youth crime ring.
39. Jughead had writer's block.
40. Cheryl had a nightmare where Nana Rose said, "Julian needs a body, Cheryl, so we're giving him yours."
41. HiRUM revealed his true life passion is RUM!!!! And then has very murder-y sex with Hermione.
42. Betty visited Chic in prison and he explained that Charles once murdered a guy with scissors.
43. Dagwood choked on a ping-pong ball.
44. Cheryl drowned her haunted doll brother (after enclosing him in a ring of salt that didn't work).
45. Jughead found out his grandfather's pen name was Frosty Pajamas.
46. Chic dug back up that whole dead body plot from last season (the dude Alice and Betty buried) and FP and Charles "took care of it" (aka commited more crimes).
47. Archie's house was shot up.
48. There was a whole storyline with Jughead and his teacher Mr. Chipping, but what you need to know is he just spontaneously jumped out a window and died.
49. Cheryl's Aunt Cricket and Uncle Bedford came to Thistlehouse to go after the family maple syrup business, but Toni murdered Uncle Bedford after he discovered corpse Jason!
50. CHIC AND CHARLES WERE IN CAHOOTS AND ALSO IN LOVE!
51. Archie found Dodger left for dead and brought him to a hospital.
52. HiRUM officially became mayor of Riverdale.
53. Cheryl and Toni planned to throw Uncle Bedford, whom they'd murdered the week before, into the river so it would freeze over and by spring "salmon will have gobbled up his eyes."
54. And then they pulled a CANNIBALISM PRANK on Aunt Cricket and pretended Uncle Bedford's remains were in the meat pie. (THIS IS BECAUSE CANNIBALISM ACTUALLY RUNS IN THE BLOSSOM FAMILY! EWWWW!)
55. Jughead discovered a secret society called Quill and Skull at Stonewall. Donna revealed she was having an affair with Mr. Chipping and he got aggressive with her — which all happened right before he died (via the window).
56. Dodger's mom, Darla (who appears to be exactly his age and also is conveniently the ex of that dead guy the Coopers buried), showed up at Archie's Thanksgiving dinner at the El Royale and threatened everyone at gunpoint. But then a turkey in a fryer exploded, so Mary Andrews pointed a gun at Darla.
57. Betty had a murder board!
58. THE TEENS ON RIVERDALE FINALLY WENT TO THERAPY!
59. Cheryl had the River Vixens taken away from her (even though I can't remember the last time they were in an episode).
60. Cheryl took a DNA test, and turns out she's 100% not a chimera. AKA, she NEVER ate Julian in the womb!!!
61. Veronica had daddy issues and decided to create a competing rum business to HiRUM's. So, HiRum tried to sabotage La Bonne Nuit/Veronica's college admissions process.
62. Betty and Jughead realized that a lot of the original Quill and Skull members died in "horrible accidents."
63. FP and Archie teamed up to fight crime, which meant FP wore his Serpent jacket again. Chills.
64. Polly (who was in a treatment center called Shady Grove) attempted to murder a nurse named Betty by clawing her face off.
65. Veronica got the famous Lodge family rum recipe.
66. Alice threatened Betty at knifepoint, so Betty quickly figured out that Polly and Alice were both HYPNOTIZED. (LOL, this show.)
67. Jughead met his grandpa, who lives in the woods.
68. Everyone in Archie's storyline was named after characters from Oliver Twist: Bill, Fagin, Dodger…
69. Cheryl gathered her "brothers" (yes, a corpse and a doll) for a mass death by roach bombs, but it was just a ruse to lure PENELOPE out of the walls! She had been living in the walls, gaslighting Cheryl this whole time! VERY NORMAL STUFF!
70. Oh, it was Evelyn from the Farm who was hypnotizing Betty's family. The trigger? "TANGERINE, TANGERINE, TANGERINE."
71. FP WAS SHOT AT POP'S!
72. Fangs returned, randomly!
73. Penelope called Toni a "she-goblin" after she was put on "trial" by Cheryl and then Cheryl said, "TT, get the chloroform," and they chloroformed Penelope (the SECOND Riverdale mom to be chloroformed by their kid on this show THIS YEAR.)
74. Then, Cheryl banished Penelope to THE SEX BUNKER!!!! Literally the bunker that every teen/adult on this show knows about. I forkin' can't.
75. Thank god, there was a musical number during the mid-season finale, and Kevin finally got to sing again.
76. Archie almost beat Dodger to death while the kids from the El Royale looked on in horror.
77. Betty revisited the day that she murdered Caramel to try and break the hypnosis. (IDK?? I'm confused.)
78. Amid all of this, Jughead won a contest at school to be the next ghostwriter for The Baxter Brothers series and signed a contract that will definitely be AN ISSUE in the future.
79. Jughead was initiated into the Quill and Skull Society — which means he has been in both a gang AND a secret society. Cool cool cool.
80. Cheryl finally had a funeral for Jason (yes, corpse Jason) by lighting him on fire on Sweetwater River.
81. Dark Betty came back and smashed a mirror!
82. FRED ANDREWS HAD A LONG-LOST BROTHER NAMED FRANK WHO SHOWED UP TO MEET ARCHIE AT THE EL ROYALE!!!! (He BETTER not be evil, but he 100% will be.)
83. Jughead looked reallllll dead in the future. (Unless it's a TWIN!)
84. Oh, and Betty maybe probably bashed his head in. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
85. The epic highs and lows of high school football became an important plot point again for honestly just five minutes.
86. SECRET UNCLE FRANK gave Mad Dog drugs.
87. Veronica and Cheryl invented maple syrup rum. This will be very important and also not important at all later.
88. Quiz Show was revealed to be the single most important event in Riverdale for like a day.
89. Archie ran Andrews Construction for a minute and then never talks about it again.
90. Jughead pitched a book about the "Brown Hood" to the board of the Baxter Brothers. A thing that exists, apparently.
91. HiRUM started a full-on rum war with Cheryl and Veronica.
92. Kevin met a dude on an app called Grind'em and then took a gig filming himself GETTING TICKLED ON CAMERA!!!! And then had Fangs join this ~lucrative~ business.
93. Veronica and Cheryl reopened Penelope's brothel, the Maple Club, as a rum business and even brought Penelope out of the sex bunker to work there — in a mask.
94. Bret and Jughead had a DUEL!
95. Uncle Frank is actually a mercenary and a bunch of people are trying to kill him???
96. Veronica hung out with her gal pal Katy Keene (only on the CW!).
97. Toni joined TickleGate.
98. Betty showed Alice her murder board.
99. Nick St. Clair returned, and Toni, Fangs, Kevin, and Cheryl get revenge on him via TickleGate.
100. Archie got brutally attacked in the school bathroom and, like, absolutely nobody even heard it happening?
101. HiRUM is suddenly dying from a neuromuscular disorder. Mmmmmkay.
102. The rum war heated up.
103. Archie can't graduate.
104. Jughead named himself Jarhead in a fictional story.
105. Veronica called Mr. Honey "Principal Mussolini" when he caught her — an underage teen — with a flask of rum.
106. Jughead got "murdered" at the Ides of March party, which involved a bunny mask and Donna saying Betty's hypnosis "trigger" word, which ISN'T "tangerine" anymore.
107. It appeared that Betty did indeed bash Jughead's head in with a rock after Donna blew "Devil's Breath" in her face. This 100% didn't actually happen.
108. Mary Andrews has a girlfriend!!!
109. HiRUM is still "dying". (He is not.)
110. Betty probably actually didn't murder Jughead after all.
111. Alice made a documentary about Riverdale being a murder town.
112. Cheryl said "I'm sorry I called Jughead a hobo that one time," which is an A++ line.
113. Jughead's funeral happened.
114. FP was fired as sheriff.
115. Betty and Archie ~kissed~!!!
116. JUGHEAD IS ACTUALLY ALIVE AND WAS HIDING IN THE SEX BUNKER!!
117. Jonathan is DEAD, RIP. (Yeah, I can only kinda remember who Jonathan was at this point…)
118. Jughead and Betty held a locked room with the Stonewall preppies, explaining their master murder plan.
119. Basically, the Stonewall kids were supposed to kill Jughead in a perfect murder, so Betty and crew faked Jughead's murder instead.
120. Mr. Dupont was actually hella evil and murdered a bunch of people and wanted to murder Jughead's grandpa too. And then Mr. Dupont died by suicide.
121. Donna Sweett was the real mastermind behind everything because Dupont killed her grandmother.
122. FP made up with his dad.
123. Archie and Betty are kinda in luuuurve.
124. THE HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH MUSICAL EPISODE HAPPENED!!!
125. Cole Sprouse shout-sang on screen and it was kinda epic.
126. Archie and Betty kissed again.
127. There were more creepy videotapes, including one where someone in a Betty mask murdered someone in a Jughead mask. Eek.
128. A video store had the footage of Clifford killing Jason Blossom as well as other creepy snuff films.
129. THE TICKLE PLOT THICKENED!!! Reggie joined the tickle crew and they went rogue and made their own tickle vids.
130. HiRUM murdered a guy but said he's changed. Classic.
131. RIP Veronica and Cheryl's rum business.
132. RIP Archie and Betty's romance plotline.
133. RIP Archie living in Riverdale — he's joining the Navy.
134. Mr. Honey threatened to cancel prom, so the gang gets him run out of Riverdale, but not before Jughead wrote a creepy story fantasizing about murdering the guy.
135. The kids planned to go to prom, like normie high schoolers.