1.I am 99% sure someone blew Devil's Breath powder in my face last night. It's the only way to explain how I feel about this week's episode of Riverdale: a little foggy and completely confused. I blacked out, and all I can remember is that Betty, Archie, and VeRUMica are playing some weird murdery game against Bret and Donna, and Jughead's "corpse" is the pawn.
2.That's right: Jughead is DEAD and narrating the events of his own death, as one does. Everyone is oddly calm about his death, so the absolute only thing that's clear to me after this week's episode is that Jughead isn't dead.
3.Betty, Archie, and VeRUMica all arrive home in their underwear at 3 a.m. the night of the Stonewall party, because even though we're dealing with a murder here, the writers could not forget about the CW's shirtless-scene clause.
4.Anyway, whatever the heck is going on, they turn to Charles for help. I hate to give Archie credit, but I think he might be the only rational one in this friend group at the moment.
5.A key part of whatever happened is the murder weapon — "The Rock" — which Betty and VeRUMica say so many times that all I could honestly picture in my head was this:
6.I briefly interrupt this Jughead murder plot to bring you THE ONLY GOOD THING that has happened on this show in months!!! Mary Andrews has a girlfriend!
7.Ugh, and now we're back to the Lodge family drama. HiRUM is "dying" and wants to talk about his will.
8.The show remembered that Jellybean exists!
9.Anyway, back to Jughead: There's a lot that goes down in this bizarro game of chicken that makes Gryphons and Gargoyles seem normal. Betty bugs Bret and Donna, and Archie goes to pick a fight with them to get them to say something incriminating! Bret calls Archie "ELMO"! Bret and Donna outsmart Betty and know she bugged them. Bret says this:
10.But then FP gets dragged into this whole mess, and this is where I'm F(uckin') P(issed)! FP finds Jughead's F(reakin') P(hone) in Betty's jacket! If FP isn't somehow in on this whole plot, I will never forgive any of these characters.
11.I genuinely have no idea what's going on with the murder, but VeRUMica is now worried that Betty could have done it because she remembered what happened with Chuck Clayton in the hot tub in Season 1. I hate that my first reaction to hearing "Chuck Clayton" was feeling extremely nostalgic for a time when the wildest thing that happened on Riverdale was Betty putting on a wig and almost drowning a dude in a hot tub.
12."We saw her, Archie, with The Rock."
13.Meanwhile, VeRUMica's probably getting kicked out of Barnard, for a reason that is honestly extremely valid:
14.With Charles's "help," Betty finds out that Donna didn't actually use a trigger word from Evelyn Evernever — she threw a substance called Devil's Breath in her face that caused her to black out. But it almost definitely didn't cause her to kill Jughead.
15.Betty makes a fake murder weapon (for reasons!) and insists that FP find Jughead's body in the woods (also for reasons!):
16.Archie has something to confess to Mary, and I WANT TO KNOW WHAT!!!!
17.Finally, Betty confronts Donna in her next "move" in this "game" and basically says this:
And more on all of this next week, I suppose! It's really hard to get invested in a plot that will 99% end up being one long con, but I'll admit my interest is piqued! Exactly ~how~ are they going to resolve all of this?! What does Archie need to ~confess~? Can't wait to find out together.
