18 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "We need to send that to the sheriff...or Betty and Jughead!"

    I have to laugh because the episode started, as they always do, with a "Previously on Riverdale":

    Betty and Charles talking about the serial killer gene

    And then this week on Riverdale, one of the major reveals was like:

    Betty and Charles talking about the serial killer gene

    But I'm getting way ahead of myself. Like most episodes of Riverdale, somehow SO MUCH and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happened at the same time. But this episode had more murders than most — ELEVEN MURDERS — so I'm going to break down this recap by murder count for a change:

    Jughead and Betty saying "betty and I were in the middle of a murder investigation and we still had the time"

    BETTY AND JUGHEAD'S STORYLINE: Murder count = 3 murders, 1 attempted murder.

    Also known as: "Our mutual brother is a serial killer."

    1. So Bret Weston Wallis calls Betty and Jughead from prison, because everyone in this town uses their ONE PRISON CALL to talk to these two. Bret calls Jughead "Slughead," which is the best thing he's done on this show, and I think I like him now.

    Bret has information for Betty and "Slughead"

    2. Unfortunately, Bret ends up dead. Dang, just as I was liking him for that whole "Slughead" thing. How did Bret die, you ask? Oh, in a totally normal and chill way:

    Dr. Curdle Jr. talks about Bret's death

    3. Next, David (the creepy owner of Blue Velvet Video) ends up dead, by an apparent suicide, which leads them to momentarily believe that David murdered Bret.

    A picture of Betty and Jughead with a caption about bringing back the therapist from last season

    4. And then Donna (from Stonewall Prep) calls Betty begging for help: It turns out Joan has ALSO been murdered! Noooo, not Joan!!!!!!! (Don't worry, I totally had to google Joan, she's one of their preppy friends.)

    Betty talking on the phone with Donna

    5. Literally two seconds later:

    Jughead saying there's a preppy murderer on the loose

    6. Well, well, well, it turns out Charles...the man with the serial killer genes...is the one who's been murdering the preppies. Who could have possibly guessed?

    Charles saying he only kills people who deserve it side by side with the "sure jan" meme that says "sure dexter"

    7. And then Betty had one of the great lines of the episode after Jughead asked if she was okay:

    Betty says, "Like, of course my brother is a serial killer."

    CHERYL'S STORYLINE: Murder count = (at least) 5 murders???

    Also known as: All the Blossoms are dead now???

    8. After Toni revealed to Cheryl that her family (rightfully) hates the Blossoms, Cheryl sets out to make things right with the Uktena by calling a Blossom board meeting over Zoom.

    Cheryl on zoom with all the blossoms

    9. So, naturally, the whole thing is resolved the way that normal family matters are:

    Nana Rose saying the whole blossom family has sailed into the underworld

    10. TO BE CLEAR, PENELOPE (who is back, even though she is awful and should be in jail) MURDERED ALL OF THE BLOSSOMS SO THAT CHERYL COULD FULLY TAKE OVER THE BUSINESS???

    Penelope calls it a graduation gift

    VERONICA'S STORYLINE: Murder count = 3

    Also known as: The One with the Daddy Issues.

    11. I have no idea what the heck is going on with the Lodges these days, but I'll try? So, Hiram has returned to a life of crime because he thinks it's the only cure for his neuromuscular disease???

    Hiram with a caption of I <3 science

    12. Veronica's sister Hermosa is back, and you gotta love Riverdale just recycling through characters and bringing them back on a whim!

    Veronica and Hermosa talking in pop's

    13. But this time, we're lucky Hermosa was around, because she manages to save Veronica from getting murdered by murdering these three dudes.

    Veronica about holding her hands up with the caption record scratch, freeze frame you're probably wondering how i got here

    14. The most (only) important Lodge family development is that Hermione is leaving Hiram and joining the cast of the Real Housewives of New York. I genuinely love this for her.

    ARCHIE'S STORYLINE: Murder count = 0.

    Proud of him for being the only main character without any new murders connected to his plot this week.

    15. Archie was going through it in this episode, and I genuinely felt bad for him. Rare, I know.

    Betty asking Archie if he's okay

    16. But it was Mary Andrews who delivered the line of the episode after she discovered the ~auteur's~ video:

    17. And finally, we must address the BIG REVEAL of the episode, which was the identity of "the auteur." Drumroll please.....

    Jughead saying "It's jellybean" and FP saying "What, is this a joke?"

    18. Yes, the auteur who has been sending creepy videos and creating fake snuff films is JELLYBEAN FREAKING JONES...and the reason she did it is because she just wants Jughead to be home more???

    So, yeah, all in all, there were 11 murders in an episode that still managed to feel anticlimactic??? Don't know how they managed to pull that off, but it's definitely a skill! See you next week for graduation, where Cheryl will most definitely be wearing crimson!

    Cheryl saying she ordered a crimson graduation robe