I have to laugh because the episode started, as they always do, with a "Previously on Riverdale":
And then this week on Riverdale, one of the major reveals was like:
But I'm getting way ahead of myself. Like most episodes of Riverdale, somehow SO MUCH and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happened at the same time. But this episode had more murders than most — ELEVEN MURDERS — so I'm going to break down this recap by murder count for a change:
BETTY AND JUGHEAD'S STORYLINE: Murder count = 3 murders, 1 attempted murder.
Also known as: "Our mutual brother is a serial killer."
1. So Bret Weston Wallis calls Betty and Jughead from prison, because everyone in this town uses their ONE PRISON CALL to talk to these two. Bret calls Jughead "Slughead," which is the best thing he's done on this show, and I think I like him now.
2. Unfortunately, Bret ends up dead. Dang, just as I was liking him for that whole "Slughead" thing. How did Bret die, you ask? Oh, in a totally normal and chill way:
3. Next, David (the creepy owner of Blue Velvet Video) ends up dead, by an apparent suicide, which leads them to momentarily believe that David murdered Bret.
4. And then Donna (from Stonewall Prep) calls Betty begging for help: It turns out Joan has ALSO been murdered! Noooo, not Joan!!!!!!! (Don't worry, I totally had to google Joan, she's one of their preppy friends.)
5. Literally two seconds later:
6. Well, well, well, it turns out Charles...the man with the serial killer genes...is the one who's been murdering the preppies. Who could have possibly guessed?
7. And then Betty had one of the great lines of the episode after Jughead asked if she was okay:
CHERYL'S STORYLINE: Murder count = (at least) 5 murders???
Also known as: All the Blossoms are dead now???
8. After Toni revealed to Cheryl that her family (rightfully) hates the Blossoms, Cheryl sets out to make things right with the Uktena by calling a Blossom board meeting over Zoom.
9. So, naturally, the whole thing is resolved the way that normal family matters are:
10. TO BE CLEAR, PENELOPE (who is back, even though she is awful and should be in jail) MURDERED ALL OF THE BLOSSOMS SO THAT CHERYL COULD FULLY TAKE OVER THE BUSINESS???
VERONICA'S STORYLINE: Murder count = 3
Also known as: The One with the Daddy Issues.
11. I have no idea what the heck is going on with the Lodges these days, but I'll try? So, Hiram has returned to a life of crime because he thinks it's the only cure for his neuromuscular disease???
12. Veronica's sister Hermosa is back, and you gotta love Riverdale just recycling through characters and bringing them back on a whim!
13. But this time, we're lucky Hermosa was around, because she manages to save Veronica from getting murdered by murdering these three dudes.
14. The most (only) important Lodge family development is that Hermione is leaving Hiram and joining the cast of the Real Housewives of New York. I genuinely love this for her.
ARCHIE'S STORYLINE: Murder count = 0.
Proud of him for being the only main character without any new murders connected to his plot this week.