18 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

"We need to send that to the sheriff...or Betty and Jughead!"

I have to laugh because the episode started, as they always do, with a "Previously on Riverdale":

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Ahh, yes, the serial killer gene plotline.

And then this week on Riverdale, one of the major reveals was like:

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THIS IS BRAND-NEW INFORMATION!

But I'm getting way ahead of myself. Like most episodes of Riverdale, somehow SO MUCH and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING happened at the same time. But this episode had more murders than most — ELEVEN MURDERS — so I'm going to break down this recap by murder count for a change:

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Graduation is also happening, but what's a little high school graduation when there are murders to investigate, amirite?

BETTY AND JUGHEAD'S STORYLINE: Murder count = 3 murders, 1 attempted murder.

Also known as: "Our mutual brother is a serial killer."

1. So Bret Weston Wallis calls Betty and Jughead from prison, because everyone in this town uses their ONE PRISON CALL to talk to these two. Bret calls Jughead "Slughead," which is the best thing he's done on this show, and I think I like him now.

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Bret asks if Betty can pull strings with her BFF Veronica and get her daddy, the owner of this private prison, to move him into solitary because he's scared for his life. Extremely normal, not at all deranged stuff here.

2. Unfortunately, Bret ends up dead. Dang, just as I was liking him for that whole "Slughead" thing. How did Bret die, you ask? Oh, in a totally normal and chill way:

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What the fuck is this show? Also, thrilled to see Dr. Curdle Jr. again! Truly, the third best character in Riverdale after only Nana Rose and Pop Tate.

3. Next, David (the creepy owner of Blue Velvet Video) ends up dead, by an apparent suicide, which leads them to momentarily believe that David murdered Bret.

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4. And then Donna (from Stonewall Prep) calls Betty begging for help: It turns out Joan has ALSO been murdered! Noooo, not Joan!!!!!!! (Don't worry, I totally had to google Joan, she's one of their preppy friends.)

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5. Literally two seconds later:

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6. Well, well, well, it turns out Charles...the man with the serial killer genes...is the one who's been murdering the preppies. Who could have possibly guessed?

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So, Charles IS the murderer (with help from his lover Chic), but he's not the auteur. More on that later.

7. And then Betty had one of the great lines of the episode after Jughead asked if she was okay:

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Of CoUrSe mY BroThEr iS a SeRial KilleR. My brain hurts.

CHERYL'S STORYLINE: Murder count = (at least) 5 murders???

Also known as: All the Blossoms are dead now???

8. After Toni revealed to Cheryl that her family (rightfully) hates the Blossoms, Cheryl sets out to make things right with the Uktena by calling a Blossom board meeting over Zoom.

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The Blossoms (who are awful) say no...but they say it's because Cheryl killed Uncle Bedford, which is kinda fair I guess? And they also dropped this way too casually in this conversation? If you'll recall, Cheryl and Toni murdered Bedford last season, convinced his wife and son that they were EATING HIS REMAINS, and then threw his dead body in the river for salmon to gobble up.

9. So, naturally, the whole thing is resolved the way that normal family matters are:

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Nana Rose shared this information as casually as if she were reporting on the weather or something.

10. TO BE CLEAR, PENELOPE (who is back, even though she is awful and should be in jail) MURDERED ALL OF THE BLOSSOMS SO THAT CHERYL COULD FULLY TAKE OVER THE BUSINESS???

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In conclusion: All the Blossoms are dead and there was not nearly enough Toni Topaz in this episode.

VERONICA'S STORYLINE: Murder count = 3

Also known as: The One with the Daddy Issues.

11. I have no idea what the heck is going on with the Lodges these days, but I'll try? So, Hiram has returned to a life of crime because he thinks it's the only cure for his neuromuscular disease???

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He is also mad at Archie again for hurting Veronica. I need these two to never interact again, please and thank you.

12. Veronica's sister Hermosa is back, and you gotta love Riverdale just recycling through characters and bringing them back on a whim!

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I can't really remember why Veronica hates her? Or if either of them still have a rum business? Or anything about any of their scheming against Hiram?

13. But this time, we're lucky Hermosa was around, because she manages to save Veronica from getting murdered by murdering these three dudes.

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Honestly, I don't understand how Veronica still works at Pop's. It was just last season that she lit a serial killer on fire there and now she's almost been killed by Hiram's nemesis.

14. The most (only) important Lodge family development is that Hermione is leaving Hiram and joining the cast of the Real Housewives of New York. I genuinely love this for her.

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ARCHIE'S STORYLINE: Murder count = 0.

Proud of him for being the only main character without any new murders connected to his plot this week.

15. Archie was going through it in this episode, and I genuinely felt bad for him. Rare, I know.

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Last week, the auteur left him a video re-creation of the night Fred was shot in Pop's, and it leaves Archie feeling extremely angry this episode. It doesn't help that Archie has been asked to write a note to the judge of the case against the hit-and-run driver who killed Fred. Archie's Uncle Frank (the mercenary) comes back and finally helps Archie let go of some of his anger.

16. But it was Mary Andrews who delivered the line of the episode after she discovered the ~auteur's~ video:

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Very glad to know that the adults of Riverdale consider Betty and Jughead to be the same caliber as law enforcement. Also, I genuinely cannot remember who the active sheriff of Riverdale is? Is it FP??? Someone else?

17. And finally, we must address the BIG REVEAL of the episode, which was the identity of "the auteur." Drumroll please.....

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FP is literally me reacting to this news.

18. Yes, the auteur who has been sending creepy videos and creating fake snuff films is JELLYBEAN FREAKING JONES...and the reason she did it is because she just wants Jughead to be home more???

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I'm sorry, but...WHAT???? I'm...so...tired. I hate it here.

So, yeah, all in all, there were 11 murders in an episode that still managed to feel anticlimactic??? Don't know how they managed to pull that off, but it's definitely a skill! See you next week for graduation, where Cheryl will most definitely be wearing crimson!

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