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    19 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    Give Kevin Keller all the Tony Awards.

    1. It feels like just yesterday that Jughead faked his death in order to avoid a certain death at the hands of his sociopathic prep school classmates, as one does in high school, but now things are back to normal in Riverdale*.

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    *And by normal, I mean the creep sending out videotapes just sent around another round of videotapes and we've got a musical episode!!! So, yes, normal.

    2. The whole episode features music from Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and we begin with "Wicked Little Town." The only way a musical song could have been more topical to Riverdale is if it were called "Wicked Little Town of Murders, Organ Cults, and Tickle Tapes (Reprise)."

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    The opening number is a montage of our fave Riverdale families watching their creepy surveillance tapes. We love a movie night!

    3. I've talked about this before, but it's absolutely bonkers to me that this is what everyone's TVs look like in, presumably, the year 2020 on this show…

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    4. …but somehow the Lodge family is the only family in town with access to televisions from this millennium!!!

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    5. But enough about technology; now it's time for the real question: Why did EVERYONE SING EXCEPT NANA ROSE???

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    Nana deserved at least three of her own songs.

    6. HiRUM now works out at the El Royale gym with Archie spotting him, as though that little thing where he made Archie do his dirty mob work and then framed him for a murder and forced him into a prison fight club and tried to SHUT DOWN THIS VERY GYM is all just water under the bridge.

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    I feel like the photo above is a metaphor for something but I'm not sure what. Also, HiRUM is still "dying."

    7. Jughead is very behind on his schoolwork, which I suppose happens when you fake your death in a sex bunker for two weeks (although, honestly, it was just two weeks? How is he SO far behind?), but all he wants to do is solve the mystery of the videotapes.

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    Jughead asked Charles for help, which is a good time for our weekly reminder that Charles is bad and they are trusting him way too much.

    8. Mr. Honey continues his streak of being a dogshit principal and bans Kevin from singing a Hedwig song at the school variety show. My sweet baby Jack McPhee did not read his poem out loud on Dawson's Creek to become a small-minded, bigoted CW administrator!!!!

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    9. Fangs inspires Kevin to "go rogue" and stick it to Mr. Honey with an absolutely incredible performance of "Tear Me Down" in the music room (aka the most important classroom at Riverdale High).

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    It cannot go unsaid that Casey Cott was absolutely magnetic in this episode and I loved every second of this for Kevin Keller.

    10. And Ms. Bell was like…

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    Fuckin' Ms. Bell.

    …but Reggie, Archie, and the whole gang WERE ABSOLUTELY LIVING FOR IT and it was genuinely just so much fun.

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    And thrilling to see Kevin with a non-tickling plotline!

    11. In a touching moment, Archie got inspired when he saw Fred's old guitar from when he was in the band Fred Heads, and decides to sign up for the Variety Show as the Archies.

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    Musical Archie is one of my favorite Archies in the Archie Barbie collection, followed closely by Bear Maul Archie and Red Circle Archie.

    12. The thing that's fascinating to me about Riverdale is that it's somehow at its most "normal" teen drama during the musical episodes. After weeks of murder and trauma, we finally get to see the cast relax and hang out like teens!

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    13. We also got an amazing rendition of "Sugar Daddy" from Toni and Cheryl, who have had ENOUGH of Mr. Honey's SHIT.

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    Mr. Honey threatens that anyone who sings a song from Hedwig at the variety show will be banned from prom!

    14. But my personal favorite moment was Pop Tate queueing up the song for them on the jukebox. No one in Riverdale deserves Pop Tate. Period.

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    15. QUICK PAUSE TO JUST STARE LOVINGLY AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH!!!!!

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    I gasped!

    16. Okay, for some reason, Jughead is still just hangin' out in the sex bunker!

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    This leads to an absolutely wild confrontation that includes an absolutely wild bursting into song!!!! Bughead is fighting! Varchie is fighting! Everyone's fighting!

    17. And then…THIS HAPPENS.

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    SO MUCH DRAMA! As a child of the '90s and early '00s who had to wait at least three seasons for my favorite couples to even get together, I will always appreciate a love triangle (or rectangle in this case). Anyway, to make matters worse, both Jughead and Veronica apologize for the earlier fights, leaving Betty and Archie to feel guilty as heck. More on this next episode, to be sure.

    18. The teens decide to throw the variety show at La Bonne Nuit, which probably should have been the plan all along? We see the debut of the Archies, and they seamlessly move to the top of Pop's, reminding me again that there is LITERALLY a nightclub under this diner. Wild.

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    19. Jughead gets freaked while watching people film the performance with camcorders, and goes back to look over the videotapes again and says something about frogs being boiled or something. And then he witnesses Archie Comic Mask Betty killing Archie Comic Mask Jughead with a rock (the same way he was supposedly "killed" a few weeks ago!). Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnn.

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    And that's all for now, folks! See you in two weeks from now for the next episode.

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