1.It feels like just yesterday that Jughead faked his death in order to avoid a certain death at the hands of his sociopathic prep school classmates, as one does in high school, but now things are back to normal in Riverdale*.
2.The whole episode features music from Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and we begin with "Wicked Little Town." The only way a musical song could have been more topical to Riverdale is if it were called "Wicked Little Town of Murders, Organ Cults, and Tickle Tapes (Reprise)."
3.I've talked about this before, but it's absolutely bonkers to me that this is what everyone's TVs look like in, presumably, the year 2020 on this show…
4.…but somehow the Lodge family is the only family in town with access to televisions from this millennium!!!
5.But enough about technology; now it's time for the real question: Why did EVERYONE SING EXCEPT NANA ROSE???
6.HiRUM now works out at the El Royale gym with Archie spotting him, as though that little thing where he made Archie do his dirty mob work and then framed him for a murder and forced him into a prison fight club and tried to SHUT DOWN THIS VERY GYM is all just water under the bridge.
7.Jughead is very behind on his schoolwork, which I suppose happens when you fake your death in a sex bunker for two weeks (although, honestly, it was just two weeks? How is he SO far behind?), but all he wants to do is solve the mystery of the videotapes.
8.Mr. Honey continues his streak of being a dogshit principal and bans Kevin from singing a Hedwig song at the school variety show. My sweet baby Jack McPhee did not read his poem out loud on Dawson's Creek to become a small-minded, bigoted CW administrator!!!!
9.Fangs inspires Kevin to "go rogue" and stick it to Mr. Honey with an absolutely incredible performance of "Tear Me Down" in the music room (aka the most important classroom at Riverdale High).
10.And Ms. Bell was like…
…but Reggie, Archie, and the whole gang WERE ABSOLUTELY LIVING FOR IT and it was genuinely just so much fun.
11.In a touching moment, Archie got inspired when he saw Fred's old guitar from when he was in the band Fred Heads, and decides to sign up for the Variety Show as the Archies.
12.The thing that's fascinating to me about Riverdale is that it's somehow at its most "normal" teen drama during the musical episodes. After weeks of murder and trauma, we finally get to see the cast relax and hang out like teens!
13.We also got an amazing rendition of "Sugar Daddy" from Toni and Cheryl, who have had ENOUGH of Mr. Honey's SHIT.
14.But my personal favorite moment was Pop Tate queueing up the song for them on the jukebox. No one in Riverdale deserves Pop Tate. Period.
15.QUICK PAUSE TO JUST STARE LOVINGLY AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH!!!!!
16.Okay, for some reason, Jughead is still just hangin' out in the sex bunker!
17.And then…THIS HAPPENS.
18.The teens decide to throw the variety show at La Bonne Nuit, which probably should have been the plan all along? We see the debut of the Archies, and they seamlessly move to the top of Pop's, reminding me again that there is LITERALLY a nightclub under this diner. Wild.
19.Jughead gets freaked while watching people film the performance with camcorders, and goes back to look over the videotapes again and says something about frogs being boiled or something. And then he witnesses Archie Comic Mask Betty killing Archie Comic Mask Jughead with a rock (the same way he was supposedly "killed" a few weeks ago!). Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnn.
And that's all for now, folks! See you in two weeks from now for the next episode.
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