It's almost a new year, which means it's time to reflect and check in on all the things that have happened in the murder capital of the world (aka Riverdale) in 2019!
Shall we dive in?
1. 2019 started on a high note, back when Ethel Muggs was still a character. If you recall, Betty and Ethel teamed up to take down the nuns and got Sister Woodhouse to confess, and she basically told them everything in 30 seconds, because PLOT. Basically they were working with Hiram to funnel drugs through the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. Or something. I honestly still don't know, and so much has happened since. (Hiram doesn't even CARE about drugs anymore! His passion in life is RUM!)
2. Betty freed the patients and declared herself Gryphon Queen.
3. Veronica and Reggie hooked up.
4. Archie fled.
5. Cheryl and Toni were kicked out of the Serpents.
6. ARCHIE WAS MAULED BY A BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. The nuns all killed themselves to avoid testifying against Hiram.
8. Alice shipped the freed patients off to the Farm.
9. Alice liquidated Betty's college funds for Farm purposes.
10. Betty started visiting her serial killer dad in prison.
11. Tall Boy was revealed as the Gargoyle King, which was weird because he was dead. But it's fine because he died again.
12. Hiram was shot.
13. Claudius Blossom died.
14. FP was named the new sheriff.
15. The Archie/Reggie/Veronica love triangle changed so much I could hardly keep up with it so I'm not going to try.
16. In a fully noir episode, we learned Penelope Blossom ran a brothel called the Maple Club.
17. Josie and Archie became *a thing* for like a minute.
18. Kelly Ripa played Hiram's "mistress".
19. Jughead discovered that Hermione was behind the Hiram murder attempt the whole time and was hooking up (and plotting against FP) with Sheriff Minetta...who was not dead...
20. ...oops but then he WAS dead because Hermione straight-up murdered him to cover her tracks.
21. Archie almost killed Hiram AGAIN but then decided not to and they called a truce.
22. Sierra McCoy and Tom Keller planned to get married.
23. Cheryl almost outed Moose (bad, Cheryl!!!!), but then Moose came out and he and Kevin did it IN THE SEX BUNKER.
24. Moose's dad set up a fake Gargoyle King mission as a hoax to "scare Moose straight," and Moose, smartly, got the ABSOLUTE FUCK OUT OF TOWN.
25. Jughead's mom, Gladys, bought the Fizzle Rocks lab from Hermione...i.e., took over the drug scene.
26. Gladys and Jellybean were UP TO NO GOOD.
27. I may have forgotten to mention that Cheryl gifted Toni a NEW GANG called the Pretty Poisons, and one of the members was named Peaches 'N Cream. I'm so sorry — how could I possibly lose track of this simple-to-follow plot?
28. Archie got into boxing (eye roll). And, like, owns a gym now?
29. Veronica and Reggie got involved in a complicated drug plot with Gladys. IDK.
30. Alice got re-baptized by the Farm — i.e., she almost drowned herself.
31. At some point the Gargoyles and the Ghoulies became one thing? Run by a dude named...Kurtz?
32. Alice sold Betty's childhood home and the Joneses bought it.
33. Dumb Archie got tricked by a little boy named Ricky (Joaquin's little brother), who was just playing him to try and win the dumb Red Paladin quest.
34. Kevin JOINED THE FARM and walked across fire to do so.
35. Betty tried to burn her house down.
36. Cheryl and Toni broke up, but it wasn't permanent.
37. Jughead found out his mom was the drug lady.
38. Archie beat up a bunch of people trying to do the Red Paladin quest and I guess that worked maybe? Because, and I hate to say it, poor Archie caught absolutely ZERO breaks this season.
39. Riverdale High put on Heathers: The Musical amid this all.
40. Fangs and Kevin maybe got married during the musical?
41. Hiram and Hermione got divorced and...Veronica was sad about it? LOL.
42. We finally met Edgar Evernever and learned how DAMN HOT HE IS. (Hi, Chad Michael Murray.) And he and all the Farmies did a weird slow-clap thing.
43. All of Archie's prison friends were pardoned.
44. CHERYL PRETENDED TO JOIN THE FARM BUT THEN ACTUALLY JOINED THE FARM.
45. Cheryl revealed that the Farm allowed her to see Jason, her dead brother. And it turns out that was what the Farm was offering everyone: a chance to see dead relatives.
46. BABY TEETH, Archie's prison pal, died, and everyone was like, JUSTICE FOR BABY TEETH. The Gargoyle King strikes again.
47. Betty and Jughead continued to be BFFs with the coroner, Dr. Curdle Jr.
48. Baby Teeth was found with a matchbook from the Maple Club lodged in his throat.
49. The gang discovered that there was a NEW big bad drug called G (which was a bad batch of Fizzle Rocks) that caused people to foam at the mouth.
50. Betty chloroformed Alice and locked her in THE BUNKER (after digging up Charles' grave).
51. Betty enlisted Toni to also go undercover at the Farm — and Toni ALSO ended up actually joining the Farm. Ugh.
52. Archie, who was boxing A LOT, fought a guy named Randy Ronson who was on the influence of G — and Randy died from the fight.
53. Jellybean was taken for a game of Gryphons and Gargoyles.
54. Josie, the headline singer at La Bonne Nuit (lol), decided to leave Riverdale to go on tour with her dad.
55. Elio (not the pizza) tried to frame Archie for murder yet again. Poor Randy Ronson.
56. Jughead and FP LITERALLY robbed Pop's at gunpoint to try and get Jellybean back.
57. Gladys and Penny Peabody (who is not dead, but DID lose an eye) fought.
58. Gladys left town. Bye.
59. Alice planned to marry Edgar Evernever.
60. Jughead got locked in a freezer.
61. Kurtz — the first half of this post was documented in May, and I truly cannot remember who this was! — was killed by the Gargoyle King.
62. Edgar planned to adopt Juniper and Dagwood.
63. EVELYN EVERNEVER WAS ACTUALLY A) 26 and B) MARRIED TO EDGAR.
64. Hal Cooper "died" "in" "a" "car" "accident"...but only his hand was found, so...
65. They all went to prom, but it turned real murder-y real fast when the Gargoyle King confronted Betty and the Black Hood attacked her. Yup, he survived and now has a hook for a hand. Normal.
66. Betty discovered the Farm was HARVESTING ORGANS!!!!!!!
67. Oh, also, all the dead people the Farm can "bring back" are just the product of hypnosis...
68. Archie boxed Hiram but it was somehow a trap that sent Hiram to jail...finally.
69. Ethel revealed the Gargoyle King is Jason Blossom. Yes, the very same, SUUUUUPER-dead Jason Blossom.
70. Kevin and Fangs had their organs harvested.
71. Jughead dug up Jason Blossom's grave and he was, in fact, missing.
72. Oh, and I totally missed this before, but they took the SATs.
73. Penelope bought Betty from Edgar. Yes, bought.
74. It was revealed that Penelope Blossom was the mastermind of the game.
75. It was also revealed that Chic was the Gargoyle King.
76. The gang had to eat dinner with both of them and the Black Hood.
77. They had to go on one final quest in the woods.
78. Cheryl escaped the Farm with Juniper.
79. Betty shot her father to get an antidote to cyanide so the core four could survive the quest.
80. Then Penelope killed Hal.
81. Hermione was arrested for attempting to kill Hiram.
82. CHERYL TOOK HOME JASON'S CORPSE!!!!!!!
83. Betty and Jughead's brother (yes, they still share a sibling, ew!) Charles was revealed to be alive…and an FBI agent.
84. ALICE WAS UNDERCOVER AT THE FARM THE WHOLE TIME.
85. They planned to enjoy senior year ahahahahahhahahaha.
86. There was a flash-forward with Archie, Betty, and Veronica in the woods covered in blood, burning Jughead's beanie. Regular high school stuff.
87. Season 4 began with an incredibly touching tribute to Luke Perry. We learned that Fred Andrews died when he was hit by a car while helping out a stranger (played by Luke's former 90210 costar Shannen Doherty). The episode took place on the 4th of July weekend.
88. Episode 2 of Season 4 kicked off a few months later at the start of senior year. Jughead was offered a spot at the prestigious boarding school Stonewall Prep, which he ultimately took.
89. Betty had a hard time trusting Kevin after that whole thing where he almost had her lobotomized.
90. There was a new principal, Mr. Honey (played by my Dawsons' Creek fave, Kerr Smith), because, if you recall, Weatherbee was a FARMIE.
91. He canceled the school dance because the last one had too many murders at it. (I personally think that's fair???)
92. Archie witnessed Mr. Mantle's abuse toward Reggie, yet no proper adult on this show has done anything to help him.
93. Cheryl sent Mr. Honey a live beehive. Normal.
94. Also, just a reminder Cheryl kept Jason's corpse and talks to it. This will be extremely important shortly.
95. In the flash-forward, the gang frantically searched for Jughead.
96. Moose transferred to Stonewall Prep and goes by the name "Marmaduke."
97. The Farmies literally murdered a dude while Betty and her brother Charles listened.
98. Nana Rose ranted about triplets burning in a fire.
99. Edgar Evernever sent Polly to Charles and Betty with a BOMB strapped to her chest, which high school senior Betty Cooper had to figure out how to defuse despite being in a room of FBI agents.
100. Edgar also demanded $250K from Betty, which she casually got from Veronica.
101. Archie became a vigilante and got a new BAD GUY to defeat, some dude named Dodger. He attacked a bunch of guys "in disguise" (wearing a tiny mask) and survived.
102. We learned Edgar's big plan: to drive a bus full of Farmies off a cliff WHILE HE TAKES OFF IN A ROCKET. ?????????
103. Betty and Alice teamed up to take down Edgar.
104. Mr. Weatherbee lost a finger, I guess because Edgar thought he was a mole?
105. The ROCKET was not a euphemism. It was A LITERAL ROCKET. I can't!
106. Alice shot and killed Edgar Evernever. (Maybe CMM will star as a grandpa on the CW in 30 years.)
107. Toni "met" Jason's corpse and was a little bit too casual about the whole thing, tbh.
108. Jughead and Betty had a mysterious videotape left at their door.
109. On Halloween in Riverdale, everybody received a creepy videotape. They also all still have VCRs and TVs straight out of the 1950s.
110. Alice and FP officially became a couple, which means the Coopers and the Joneses are one big, happy, slightly incestuous family.
111. After family dinner with Jason's corpse, Toni requested that Cheryl rebury him.
112. Moose aka Marmaduke was nicknamed Gargoyle Boy.
113. Veronica mentioned her pal Katy Keene (coming to the CW in February 2020, lolz), who designs superhero costumes for Archie and Mad Dog.
114. Toni and Cheryl reburied Jason's corpse.
115. There was a creepy doll that we were supposed to believe was the ghost of Jason Blossom.
116. Donna (Jughead's Stonewall classmate) drugged him.
117. Jughead got trapped in a box.
118. Betty started getting calls from the Black Hood again.
119. Veronica got trapped in Pop's with a serial killer and lit him on fire.
120. There was a séance where Cheryl and Nana Rose tried to gaslight Toni into letting them bring back Jason's corpse.
121. Nana Rose told Cheryl that she and Jason WERE ACTUALLY TRIPLETS and their brother's name was Julian, but Cheryl ate him in the womb and then Penelope raised the creepy doll as Julian. (!!!!!!!!!)
122. Mr. Honey TP-ed Reggie's car.
123. Charles convinced Betty that Polly was the one making the Black Hood calls.
124. There was a shooting at the El Royale, and Eddie (a character, I swear) was shot. (I am so sorry if this is the first time I've mentioned that Archie opened a community center called the El Royale, but, well, here it is!)
125. Cheryl combed corpse Jason's hair.
126. Jughead escaped the coffin, which was just a prank by his classmates.
127. Archie decided to be a superhero, like, for real. He's, like, a full-time masked vigilante who goes after "bad people." Okay, cool?
128. Charles turned out to be bad! I'm shocked!
129. Jughead was revealed to be dead in the flash-forward.
130. Betty and Kevin (who she forgave for the whole lobotomy thing) joined the high school FBI program together.
131. There was some kind of plot with Hiram and Veronica that I can't really remember, but he wanted out of jail and she bribed the governor AGAIN.
132. Betty reconfirmed the fact that she DOES have the serial killer genes.
133. Betty relived the moment when she killed her cat, Caramel, but Kevin convinced her that was actually her dad's fault.
134. Hiram turned out to have a secret daughter named Hermosa.
135. Jughead's whole plot at Stonewall was that he learned his grandfather was the ghostwriter for a book series called The Baxter Brothers.
136. Charles said he also has the serial killer genes.
137. Hiram ran for mayor.
138. In the flash-forward, Betty, Veronica, and Archie were arrested for Jughead's murder.
139. Archie singlehandedly broke up a youth crime ring.
140. Jughead had writer's block.
141. Cheryl had a nightmare where Nana Rose said, "Julian needs a body, Cheryl, so we're giving him yours."
142. Kevin and Betty tried to discern whether or not Charles was a serial killer.
143. HiRUM revealed his true life passion is RUM!!!!
144. Betty visited Chic in prison.
145. Chic explained that Charles once murdered a guy with scissors.
146. Dagwood choked on a ping-pong ball.
147. Cheryl's Aunt Cricket and Uncle Bedford came to Thistlehouse to go after the family maple syrup business.
148. HiRUM and Hermione had sex and the foreplay was extremely murder-y.
149. Cheryl drowned her haunted doll brother (after enclosing him in a ring of salt that didn't work).
150. Jughead found out his grandfather's pen name was Frosty Pajamas.
151. Chic dug back up that whole dead body plot from last season (the dude Alice and Betty buried) and FP and Charles "took care of it" (aka commited more crimes).
152. Archie straight-up went out every night as a masked vigilante to take down Dodger.
153. Oh yes, and Archie's house was shot up.
154. There was a whole storyline with Jughead and his teacher Mr. Chipping, but what you need to know is he just spontaneously jumped out a window and died.
155. Toni murdered Cheryl's uncle after he discovered corpse Jason.
156. CHIC AND CHARLES WERE IN CAHOOTS AND ALSO IN LOVE!
157. Archie found Dodger left for dead and brought him to a hospital.
158. HiRUM officially became mayor of Riverdale.
159. Cheryl and Toni planned to throw Uncle Bedford, who they'd murdered the week before, into the river so it would freeze over and by spring "salmon will have gobbled up his eyes."
160. And then they pulled a CANNIBALISM PRANK on Aunt Cricket and pretended Uncle Bedford's remains were in the meat pie. (THIS IS BECAUSE CANNIBALISM ACTUALLY RUNS IN THE BLOSSOM FAMILY! EWWWW!)
161. Jughead discovered a secret society called Quill and Skull at Stonewall.
162. Donna revealed she was having an affair with Mr. Chipping and he got aggressive with her — which all happened right before he died (via the window).
163. Dodger's mom, Darla (who appears to be exactly his age and also is conveniently the ex of that dead guy the Coopers buried), showed up at Archie's Thanksgiving dinner at the El Royale and threatened everyone at gunpoint.
164. A turkey in a fryer exploded, so Mary Andrews pointed a gun at Darla.
165. Betty had a murder board!
166. THE TEENS ON RIVERDALE FINALLY WENT TO THERAPY!
167. Cheryl had the River Vixens taken away from her (even though I can't remember the last time they were in an episode).
168. Cheryl took a DNA test, and turns out she's 100% not a chimera. AKA, she NEVER ate Julian in the womb!!!
169. Veronica had daddy issues. Obvs.
170. Veronica ALSO decided to create a competing rum business to HiRUM.
171. Betty and Jughead realized that a lot of the original Quill and Skull members died in "horrible accidents."
172. HiRum tried to sabotage La Bonne Nuit/Veronica's college admissions process.
173. FP and Archie teamed up to fight crime.
174. FP wore his Serpent jacket again and I got chills.
175. Polly (who was in a treatment center called Shady Grove) attempted to murder a nurse named Betty by clawing her face off.
176. Veronica got the famous Lodge family rum recipe.
177. Alice threatened Betty at knifepoint.
178. Betty quickly figured out that Polly and Alice were both HYPNOTIZED. (LOL, this show.)
178. Jughead met his grandpa, who lives in the woods.
179. Everyone in Archie's storyline was named after characters from Oliver Twist: Bill, Fagin, Dodger…
180. Cheryl gathered her "brothers" (yes, a corpse and a doll) for a mass death by roach bombs.
181. But it was just a ruse to lure PENELOPE out of the walls! She had been living in the walls, gaslighting Cheryl this whole time! VERY NORMAL STUFF!
182. Oh, it was Evelyn from the Farm who was hypnotizing Betty's family. The trigger? "TANGERINE, TANGERINE, TANGERINE."
183. FP WAS SHOT AT POP'S!
184. Fangs returned, randomly!
185. Penelope called Toni a "she-goblin" after she was put on "trial" by Cheryl.
186. And then Cheryl said, "TT, get the chloroform," and they chloroformed Penelope.
187. Yes, that's the SECOND Riverdale mom to be chloroformed by their kid on this show THIS YEAR.
188. Then, Cheryl banished Penelope to THE SEX BUNKER!!!! Literally the bunker that every teen/adult on this show knows about. I forkin' can't.
189. Thank god, there was a musical number during the mid-season finale, and Kevin finally got to sing again.
190. Archie almost beat Dodger to death while the kids from the El Royale looked on in horror.
191. Betty revisited the day that she murdered Caramel to try and break the hypnosis. (IDK?? I'm confused.)
192. Amid all of this, Jughead won a contest at school to be the next ghostwriter for The Baxter Brothers series and signed a contract that will definitely be AN ISSUE in the future.
193. Jughead was initiated into the Quill and Skull society. Which means he has been in both a gang AND a secret society. Cool cool cool.
194. Cheryl finally had a funeral for Jason (yes, corpse Jason) by lighting him on fire on the Sweetwater River.
195. ^That was the first scene that the main cast had together in a LONG TIME. Also, I guess all of her friends found out she was hoarding the corpse that whole time? Cool cool cool.
196. The flash-forward was then only four weeks away, which didn't make a ton of sense timeline-wise, but I just rolled with it.
197. Dark Betty came back and she smashed a mirror!
198. FRED ANDREWS HAD A LONG-LOST BROTHER NAMED FRANK WHO SHOWED UP TO MEET ARCHIE AT THE EL ROYALE!!!! (He BETTER not be evil, but he 100% will be.)
199. Jughead looked reallllll dead in the future. (Unless it's a TWIN!)
200. Oh, and Betty maybe probably bashed his head in. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯