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7 Extremely Important Things That Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

SPOILERS!

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1. We learned about Jingle Jangle:

CW

There's a new drug in town, and it's called JINGLE JANGLE. It's part Viagra/part pixie stick, but the best part of it is that this cast now has to say JINGLE JANGLE with a straight face all season long.

2. Penny Peabody saved the day:

CW

The good news: Penny Peabody is the only fuckin' lawyer who happens to know the one loophole that would get F.P. out of jail.

The bad news: Her name is Penny Peabody.

The even badder news: She's evil.

4. Smithers is gone and I'm not okay:

CW

I know Hiram Lodge has done a lot of fucked up things, but the worst one has to be getting rid of Smithers, the greatest character since Gossip Girl's Dorota. #JusticeForSmithers

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6. Archie's got a gun:

CW

For some reason, Dilton Doiley is the token GUN GUY of Riverdale and for some other reason he decided it was a good idea to give Archie access to a gun. This is not going to end well.

7. Pour one out for Midge and Moose:

CW

Don't do JINGLE JANGLE, because you will get shot and die. Don't do jingle jangle in the missionary position. Don't do jingle jangle standing up. Just don't do it...okay, promise?

BONUS: THE TRUE DADDY HAS ARRIVED.

What was your favorite part of the episode? Let me know in the comments below!