1. When she wasn't in love, just lazy:
I don't sleep in my bed without John. That's not because I love him, but because I am just so fucking lazy
2. When she called out intense John stans:
i lovvvvvve john fans that hate me. it is the best. you're so right. i don't deserve him. he should be with you.
3. When she compared John to her dad:
John just called the hunger games "the thunder games" I married my dad
4. When she put her Photoshop skills to the test:
i'm trying to photoshop john's head onto zayn's body in a 1D group shot. i have the saddest life
5. When she called out drunk John:
John is so drunk he keeps humming 50 cent
6. When she didn't catch him cheating, like at all:
John let me borrow his second phone and not one mistress has written haha what a looooooooser
7. When she was a little confused by her Instagram comments:
I post a pic of me making John stir fry. John just sitting. And the comments are about how lucky I am. Ahem?
8. When she had a brilliant idea for a song:
i want to write a song for john called all of me and it's all about me
9. When John questioned her hygiene:
I didn't shower all day then I finally did and a fly followed me all the way to the shower. John said I'm the kid from peanuts
10. When "Johnny" was finally a Real Housewives fan:
Yes John. I have taught you well, my love.
11. When she needed to prove John wrong:
I feel like I could tackle an NFL team's weakest player but john says no. I need to prove him wrong guys
12. When she got real about tour life:
Touring life with John is basically him resting his voice and never speaking and me saying "are you mad at me" every 45 minutes
13. When she revealed her most-played iTunes song. (Hint: it wasn't John):
John has 10 Grammys and this is what I listen to
14. When she was annoying (but hilarious) AF during the Olympics:
I like to piss john off all Olympics by going "I could do that" as he watches and I stare at my phone
15. When she was weirded out by your "relationship goals":
How is John taking off my jewelry "relationship goals" like your fuckin boyfriend won't take your necklace off jfc leave him
16. When she was reminded of dirtier times:
Every time someone asks john for a selfie and says "I never do this" I think back to the night we met when I said it but not about selfies
17. When she thought John threw her out:
I had to switch hotels and didn't have the energy to pack so it's all just loose garments and it looks like john threw me out
18. When John was grateful to have a pre-nup:
I just told john I thought "for granted" was one word and I think he mumbled something along the lines of "thank god/prenup/easy divorce"
19. When she got real about vocal warmups:
I know he has a beautiful voice and I know I am "soooooo lucky" and blah blah but john's vocal warmups make me want to stab my brain
20. When John missed a cultural moment:
Oh my god john has never heard of slap bracelets and now he just thinks I'm abusing him
21. When she tried crop John out of a very important photo:
Tried to crop John out of my beyonce photo but then it just zoomed in and my face was somehow even creepier
22. When she rewarded John with positive reinforcement:
told john he could only have a piece of prosciutto if he knew my mom's birthday. he got it. what a little memory box, he is.
23. When she was baffled by John's social media popularity:
John's terrible Instagram photo just made the popular page ugh raise your "like" standards guys
24. When she explained how she remixes John's songs:
When I'm drunk I like to remake John songs as we drive and basically every important word turns to poop.
25. When she revealed the unique way John gets her to shower:
John had to physically pour ranch dressing onto my naked body to just get me to shower today. It's 8pm.
26. When she saved John from making a huge mistake:
Just saved john from drunk texting chelsea clinton
27. When she told John the MEANEST LIE EVER:
I woke john up to tell him Cher is dead. He got sad but then went back to bed. Don't want to wake him again so just roll with it in the AM.
28. When she got a little TOO invested in Homeland:
John and I just made a pact that if he goes to war and I think he's dead I won't bone anyone he knows. So yeah watching homeland again.
29. When she tried to be sneaky:
Shit I just tried to be sly and pretend to be john legends assistant to get good reservations for 'john legend and his girlfriend' but...
30. When someone was gassy but John wasn't there:
someone is gassy. and john isn't here. i'm not gassy. pudddddy?
31. When she got real about traveling with John:
Here's how TSA goes for us: "MISS step in the holding area, where are your bags? COME WITH ME" then "oOo John legend can I getta hug!?!?"
32. When John was confused with another important John:
Every time someone says "john Lennon!" to John at the airport, an angel gets its wings and I laughhhh and laugh and laugh at him
33. And, when she was literally the most relatable human ever:
woke up mad at real John for dream john's actions.
