Recently I've been revisiting the movies I watched as a pre-teen and teen. Varsity Blues is one that I watched once at the time, because there's only one football movie I've ever been able to stomach repeat viewings of (shoutout Little Giants). So I didn't remember much of Varsity Blues AT ALL. Here's how the experience of rewatching it went down...
1. It’s so jarring to hear James Van Der Beek’s voice with a Southern accent.
2. It’s also jarring to see James Van Der Beek with dark hair.
3. It looks better than any of his Dawson hair tbh.
4. This is giving me major Friday Night Lights vibes.
5. “What if Lance gets hurt?” Lance is definitely going to get hurt.
6. Oh Ron Lester is in this. :(
7. Oooft those jeans Mox (James Van Der Beek) is wearing are BAD.
8. “I love that dog.” “I think it’s a pig.” “Yeah.” Okay I love Billy Bob (Ron Lester).
9. WAIT I FORGOT PAUL WALKER WAS IN THIS TOO?!?!?!?
10. Oh my god I did not expect to get so many feels in Varsity Freaking Blues.
11. Ummmm who has a giant billboard of themselves in their own front yard though.
12. I was not expecting to see Scott Caan’s butt today but here I am.
13. I haven’t listened to “Nice Guys Finish Last” by Green Day in years.
14. Honestly the best part of rewatching all these ‘90s movies is that it reminds me of the songs I used to download from Napster and burn onto mix CDs.
15. Pep rallies seem truly wild. No one in any school in Australia has ever been this enthusiastic about anything.
16. Also who wants to go to school on a FRIDAY NIGHT. The whole American football culture is so weird to me.
17. I can’t stop staring at James Van Der Beek’s butt in those tights.
18. This injection scene is making me cringe.
19. Mox is secretly reading! We love a layered jock.
20. Oh no, is Billy Bob okay?!
21. He’s okay….ish?
22. Paul Walker looks so hot all muddy and sweaty.
23. Jon Voight seems dodgy AF. So his usual type of character, then.
24. Oh no Billy Bob, don’t give the pig beer.
25. Tweeder is a low-key psychopath.
26. Lmao @ Lance (Paul Walker) and Darcy (Ali Larter) having sex on the washing machine. This is some Cosmo shit right here.
27. Oh no am I gonna have to watch Billy Bob vomit right now?
28. Hahahahhahahahaha he walked in on them having sex and spewed right next to them. Incredible.
29. “It’s called an oop-de-oop.” Well that’s a terrible name.
30. I guarantee that “oop-de-oop” is gonna win them a big game before this movie is over.
31. Ugh so much male posturing snooooooore.
32. Wait Jules (Amy Smart) is Lance’s sister?!
33. “You feel like chicken tonight?” Oh, the ’90s.
34. I’m cackling at Mox throwing the ball straight into his dad’s face. And he DGAF. Amazing.
35. “Penis penis penis, vagina vagina vagina.” What a script.
36. “Stiff, stiffie, Mr. Mortis, rigor mortis has set in, flesh rocket, Jack's magic beanstalk, tall Tommy, mushroom on a stick, Mr. Mushroomhead, purple-headed yoghurt slinger... Pedro.” WHAT. A. SCRIPT.
37. IS BILLY BOB OKAY?!
38. Jon Voight is gonna get half of these kids killed and/or permanently injured.
39. Coach Taylor would never.
40. Oh shit Billy Bob passed out :(.
41. Oh shit they got Lance too.
42. Well this is too fucking real.
43. Considering how many of these movies and shows I’ve watched, you’d think I’d understand more of the rules of American football by now.
44. So wait…Mox is actually a good player?
45. Ugh this coach is evil.
46. Darcy is stone cold. She’s already trying to get in Mox’s pants.
47. How are they all celebrating right now when their friend is in hospital?
48. Tweeder is driving off in a cop car?! Thet seems…extremely bad.
49. And now Mox is getting free beer just because he’s the quarterback?
50. American football culture is W I L D.
51. Tweeder sure loves getting his ass out.
52. Omg now Mox has his own billboard in his yard. Gross.
53. Wait isn’t he still with Jules? Is he really gonna cheat on her with Darcy? His best friend’s (ex?)girlfriend. What a douche!
54. Hahahhahahahahah the whipped cream “bikini”.
55. Oh man remember when Chris Evans parodied this in Not Another Teen Movie?
56. Now THAT I need to rewatch.
57. Am I supposed to think Mox is nice right now because he backed out of banging Darcy at the last minute? Naaaah.
58. Mox not even realising that the coach is racist is peak white boy privilege.
59. “Bitches are all just panty droppers.” Ugh Tweeder is the worst.
60. WAIT now he’s talking about drugging and raping women. Great. Great great great.
61. Yes Jules. Dump Mox’s ass.
62. The teacher-is-secretly-a-stripper subplot is weird and unnecessary.
63. ACCA DACCA!
64. Poor Billy Bob, the coach is being so cruel to him.
65. Oh no oh no, I better not have to deal with Billy Bob’s death.
66. Mox got to him in time, thank goodness.
67. Billy Bob’s brain is alright? Sounds fake.
68. “You want some cheese with that whine?” I LOVE Jules!
69. Here we go. The big game. Finally.
70. I hate this coach so much. He’s gonna ruin this kid’s leg.
71. I don’t understand this kneeling thing Mox just did. But it seems bad.
72. I am enjoying these boys standing up to the coach.
73. “Fuck it, I’m out.” M.ooooood.
74. We have a mutiny.
75. I guess that speech Mox just gave was meant to be inspiring but I tuned out tbh.
76. Why do they pronounce coyotes like “ky-oats”.
77. Go Billy Bob! You can do it!
78. *extreme Foo Fighters voice* Theeeere gooooes my hero.
79. They did it! They won the game! The movie is nearly over! YAAAAY!
80. “Billy Bob cried because he’s a bit of a crier.” Same, Billy Bob, same.
81. Well that filled my sports quota for the next six months at least.