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27 Tweets That Will Make Parents Piss Themselves Laughing

"I wish someone would threaten to put me to bed for a change."

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Our daughter is threatening to never talk to us at night if we don't let her stay up & I don't think she understands threats or negotiation.


I'm writing a book about parenting called, "Nevermind, I'll Just Do It Myself!"


If life hands you lemons Then a mango Then an apple It's because you're in the fruit aisle With a 2 year old Who won't stop handing you crap


Cranky Kid: THAT'S IT. I'M MOVING OUT. Me: Kid: Me: Kid: MOOOooooOOMM! Me: FINE. [sigh] Oh no. Please. Don't go. Anything but that.


5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing? Me: Pay the bills. 5: Are you winning? Me: No.


Last day of school: Kids: Yay! Parents: [checking when first day of school is]


Netflix should have a "times watched" counter for kids' shows so you can track your slow descent into madness.


Son: how old were you when you felt like you were a grown up? Me: I'll let you know when I get there


5pm, to kids: "Stop complaining that there's nothing good to eat here! Have some fruit!" 11pm, to self: "There's nothing good to eat here."


Before becoming a parent, I never realized I could ruin someone's day by doing a piss-poor firetruck impersonation.


You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.


Me: *Friday night* I'm so glad it's the weekend. Maybe I can finally get some rest. 2yo: *Saturday at 6am* *screeches like a velociraptor*


I can't! It doesn't work! HELP MEEEE! *sobs* PLEEAAASSSEEE! It's broken! IT'S BROKENNNN! [runs from room] -my 3yo trying to eat a Pop-tart


What's the opposite of getting knocked-out? I’m looking for a word to describe being awakened from a deep sleep by a toddler kick to my face


Want to know fear? Randomly feeling your toddler smear something wet on your exposed arm...Then running away.


*Mary Poppins voice* Ok, children! Time to go! [15 min later] *Batman voice* I said let's go.


I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.


I wish someone would threaten to put me to bed for a change.


Don't get me wrong, I love my 3-year-old. It's just that sometimes I'm pretty sure he needs an exorcism.


90% of parenting is trying to determine if your kids' feelings are genuine or just them trying to manipulate the crap out of you again.


I wish I’d known how much of parenting was having little people scream at me for giving them exactly what they wanted.


Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.


Wonder Woman, but it's just me, getting my kids to school on time.


2 yo has been crying for 20 minutes because she misses her booger. In case you wondered what motherhood is like.


[trying to stop my toddler's tantrum in a restaurant] *harsh whisper* If you don't cut it out right now then there's nothing else I can do


Little does the bus driver know, that "I love you" I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.


7yo: I wanna wear my hat today Me: Ok, but I'm not going to carry it all day Narrator: But carry it all day he did