1.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later. my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
2.
*accidentally eats fruit seed* Friend: Omg you know it’s gonna grow in your stomach??????? 7 yr old me:
3.
do u ever wanna take a nap but the nap doesn’t wanna take u
4.
When I have no idea how to comfort my friends but I try anyway
5.
level 1: venting by crying level 10: venting by faking a conversation in your head with someone level 113: venting by creating an intricate alternate universe scenario in ur head where ur a celebrity on a talk show dramatically explaining the shit u've been going thru
6.
brain: break it me: why? brain: you gotta
7.
*using Ouija board* "hello, is there anyone there" *Y* *O* *U* *U* *U* *U* "ah damnit this is a Soulja board*
8.
this is how lil kids cough
9.
It's been 16 years and I still can't believe how the fuck they managed to sneak Scooby Doo on a plane in this disguise
10.
me running away from all my problems
11.
shopping cart: $1000 me: omg what a deal shipping: $5 me: https://t.co/FPpUPVMnCo
12.
WHEN THE WRONG SONG COMES ON
13.
me: white woman’s kitchen: H E L 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 L && O 𝒻𝒶𝓂𝒾𝓁𝓎 yum coffee john 3:16
14.
Nobody talks about Jesus' miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
15.
Relationship status : this girl.
16.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, "AGAIN??" it's like, you know what, you're right, I'm cancelling my subscription.
17.
when tinkerbell started dying because she didn’t get enough attention...... i felt that
18.
When someone is getting in trouble and the teacher says "The next person who laughs is getting sent to the office"
19.
water is rly that bitch. zero calories, hydrating, home for fish, beautiful in nature, etc. like she did NOT have to go that hard. but she did. and i am grateful
20.
how are unicorns fake but giraffes are real like what’s more believable a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40 foot neck
21.
Well it was a nice lake day until my dog nearly drowned my sister
22.
when u want to go back to sleep to finish the storyline of ur dream
23.
I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal
24.
my organs: ...water....pls.. me, pouring a glass of wine: come get y’all juice!!
25.
is is he one of us
26.
when u carry ur pet to ur room n it walks out https://t.co/GDLi7Yta9e
27.
Girls don’t actually shop we just walk round touching the clothes saying ‘this is cute’
28.
dogs are so intelligent that they can assist the blind with daily tasks. also dogs: (camilla_andersen91 IG)
29.
*on Ellen* ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die ME: haha yeah, i do *Death comes out, creeps up behind me* ME: omg ellen you didnt
30.
if I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it's not that I lied it's just that I failed
31.
When you wash a spoon
32.
Fucking class having a shower at your girlfriends. Using stuff like a charcoal facial scrub and a pomegranate & mango shower milk, I’ve came out the shower smelling like a fresh fruit market on a hot summers day, feeling like a brand new woman. 13/10 would recommend.
33.
I think about this horse dancing to Fleetwood Mac at least 5 times a day
34.
The bible says Adam and Eve not florence and the machine https://t.co/XKH77oPP60
35.
Doing my makeup on the train this morning and a random man told me he likes women to have a more natural look. I told him I like men to have a more silent look. 🤷♀️
36.
Him : Send me a video of you twerking Me :
37.
I dropped a box of spaghetti on the ground and accidentally graduated from Art School.
38.
I regret trying to take a cute panorama of my dog
39.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it's called self care
40.
When you’re relaxing with bae and remember something they did 4 months ago they got away with.
41.
The problem with “treat yo self” is that I don’t know how to stop. I had a bad day in April and I’ve been treating myself ever since
42.
The free antivirus software that comes with your computer
43.
Me: “Wow my skin has actually been so clear lately” Acne: https://t.co/7vJ80WRpHo
44.
The egg don’t swim to the sperm bitch never chase a man
45.
46.
me after I take off my high wasted jeans
47.
Miley Cyrus: THE 7 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU 10 year old me:
48.
Yeah, I can fit it in my schedule
49.
me walking to my parents room at 2am telling them i threw up
50.
I’m 100% convinced my grandma was the reason Mexico won
51.
Why do airplane tickets have to be so expensive!! Having separate continents is so stupid retweet if you miss pangaea
52.
me seamlessly transitioning between calm and panicked throughout the day
53.
“what’s your WiFi password” “It’s on the back of the router” Router: https://t.co/6adCjXpMgm
54.
When someone holding the door open for you but you a little ways away:
55.
u know when ur playing cards against humanity & u think ur card is unbelievably funny & the person reads it out loud & not a single person laughs ya that shit hurts
56.
12 year old me after putting me and my crushes name into a love calculator app and finding out we’re only 17% compatible
57.
IF A BABY HANDS YOU A FAKE PHONE YOU BETTER ANSWER THAT SHIT
58.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.
59.
im crying im so happy for them
60.
Took some grease off my pizza today with a napkin so if you see me looking skinny tomorrow don’t be alarmed
61.
when you see something funny but you’re supposed to be offline
62.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
63.
when you step on your dogs paw and they make that little “aarf” sound
64.
[holding my new born son] me: he’s beautiful doctor: we’re gonna have to give him some shots me: oh hell yeah pour up it’s his fucking birthday
65.
I LIVE WITH A TINY PREDATOR (sorry for my shriek)
66.
“I’ll see” = I’m not coming, never was coming, never considered it, never gave it a second thought, only remembered because you asked again
67.
Daughter: What does gays mean? Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'? Me: Er... read me the whole sentence Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze" Me: Oh
68.
the internet made me do this
69.
Did I break out bc I wore makeup or because I used a new makeup remover or because I’m gonna be on my period in a week or bc I’ve been eating or bc I’m sad or bc I’m stressed ? Which is it
70.
you: weird flex but ok an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
71.
*walking past a stranger* My Brain: Don’t do it Don’t do it Don’t do it Don’t do it Don’t do it Don’t do it Don’t do it Don’t do it Me:
72.
PSA: Don't EVER let your printer know that you've waited until the last minute to print something out and you're in hurry because they can sense fear.
73.
I feel sorry for Netflix era kids. They will never know the high stakes adrenaline of running to the bathroom/fridge/bedroom in a single ad break, with the beckoning call of a sibling screaming “It’s ONNNNNN” to send you hurdling over furniture to get back in time.
74.
my last 4 brain cells when i need to be productive
75.
me: I really shouldn't eat out today; I have to save money me: if you buy food with cash, it'll be like you're not spending money bc the number in your bank account will be the same me: shit can't argue with that logic let's eat
76.
Trying to eat and see this, not sure what’s happening
77.
a tragedy: when your hair-wash cycle doesn't coordinate w/ an event & you overestimate the amount of time in which your hair can last w/o being washed
78.
well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions
79.
I told him let’s get this bread but he was gluten free - rupi kaur
80.
When you work alone a lot.
81.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones. Me, who hasn't taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
82.
Do you remember when your mom would take you shopping and you would come home and do a “fashion show” for your dad who was half asleep on the couch and would give you a nod and a “very nice” for every outfit or was that just my family.
83.
100 level course prof: Attendance is mandatory, no phones allowed, 12 hours of homework/week, also we have 5 exams and one is in 9 days 500 level course prof: I illegally downloaded the texbook, I'll send you the link. text me if you need anything. Do you guys wanna go kayaking?
84.
Party Rock Anthem has the same bpm as Uptown Girl
85.
he really tried to end it all smh
86.
This is the epitome of transferable job skills https://t.co/G6SyveH7UK
87.
Baby fever AND puppy fever oh no no no
88.
Stuck in the car for 2 hours with this
89.
Me when y'all applaud men for doing the bare minimum:
90.
me when someone tries to get to know me
91.
┏┓ ┃┃╱╲ in ┃╱╱╲╲ this ╱╱╭╮╲╲ house ▔▏┗┛▕▔ we ╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲ don’t ever leave the house but still would like to be invited to leave the house ╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ ▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕
92.
I swear 2018 went JANUARYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Febuarymarchaprilmayjune
93.
The person who pays for Netflix + everyone else who watches it https://t.co/vt4gOWO7sk
94.
The fact that I procrastinate and still get the job done is the reason I still procrastinate
95.
Me on the outside vs me on the inside
96.
me at 6 y/o: bilingual, genius iq, mentally healthy, able to do math me at 18 y/o: illiterate, health is nonexistent, and needs a calculator to solve 6+8
97.
College students: *doesn’t understand the lecture* Professor that studied the subject for 28 years:
98.
Play it cool Rodney.......play it cool......
99.
as a child i thought i'd have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
100.
Do you ever just feel like a rotisserie chicken?
CORRECTION
A tweet from 2017 accidentally slipped into the mix! This terrible mistake has now been rectified.