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I Have So Many Questions About The "Riverdale" Season 3 Premiere

What the hell did I just watch?!

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1. Why is Archie wearing a BOW TIE to his trial?

I mean, I know that's his ~aesthetic~, but it doesn't seem appropriate?
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I mean, I know that's his ~aesthetic~, but it doesn't seem appropriate?

2. And why is his mother his attorney?

That doesn't seem like the best way to convince a jury he's innocent.
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That doesn't seem like the best way to convince a jury he's innocent.

3. Do you really expect me to believe Cheryl bothered to pair platform heels with her swimsuit, but didn't put on ANY sun protection?

Yeah, she'd last about three minutes with that complexion (even if she's wearing sunscreen).
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Yeah, she'd last about three minutes with that complexion (even if she's wearing sunscreen).

4. Doesn't Jughead get hot in that hat?

I know, I know, it's his thing. But surely he can have a summer version?Also, lol, the show DGAF about staying truthful to literally any other aspect of Jughead's character in the comics, so IDK why they care so much about his hat.
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I know, I know, it's his thing. But surely he can have a summer version?

Also, lol, the show DGAF about staying truthful to literally any other aspect of Jughead's character in the comics, so IDK why they care so much about his hat.

5. How has Jughead not noticed that Hot Dog has been missing for THREE MONTHS?!!

See my above point about the lack of faithfulness to Jughead's character. Jughead and Hot Dog should be inseparable. This is frankly offensive.
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See my above point about the lack of faithfulness to Jughead's character. Jughead and Hot Dog should be inseparable. This is frankly offensive.

6. Okay so we're really sticking with the ~Betty Cooper is the Serpent Queen~ thing?

When Toni is RIGHT THERE?! Also, I mean, why are the teenagers who are literally still in high school the leaders of this gang, anyway?
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When Toni is RIGHT THERE?!

Also, I mean, why are the teenagers who are literally still in high school the leaders of this gang, anyway?

7. Why didn't they wear swimsuits?

They went to this place explicitly to swim. But they didn't bother packing/wearing swimwear?
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They went to this place explicitly to swim. But they didn't bother packing/wearing swimwear?

8. Veronica asking what this place was implied she'd never been there before, but then when is this shot from the beginning of the episode supposed to have taken place?

You know, where they're all actually wearing swimsuits?
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You know, where they're all actually wearing swimsuits?

9. Also, are they not worried about the leeches anymore?

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10. And aren't they getting ravaged by mosquitos right about now?

I guess horniness trumps mozzie bites.
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I guess horniness trumps mozzie bites.

11. Why does this show feel the need to change genres every 10 episodes?

I'm tired.
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I'm tired.

12. Why is Archie like this?

Brave, but stupid. More stupid than brave, really.
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Brave, but stupid. More stupid than brave, really.

13. Why is Hiram such a petty bitch?

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14. What do these symbols mean?

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15. Is this setting up for a Sabrina crossover?

I know we've been told there's no magic in Riverdale, but it all feels very witchy.
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I know we've been told there's no magic in Riverdale, but it all feels very witchy.

16. WAIT, DILTON IS DEAD?!

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17. WHAT THE WHAT?!??!!

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18. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!??!

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19. DID BETTY HALLUCINATE OR DID THOSE BABIES ACTUALLY FLOAT??!?!

What happened to no magic in Riverdale?!???!!!?
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What happened to no magic in Riverdale?!???!!!?

20. Why is Betty having a fit?

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21. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!

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22. What the hell did I just watch?!

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