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I Watched "Mad Max" For The First Time And It Was Messed Up

The ORIGINAL.

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Mad Max debuted when I was minus 7 years old i.e. way before my time. But it IS an Australian classic, so it's pretty shocking that I, an Australian, have never ever seen it. UNTIL NOW.

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Previously my total knowledge of Mad Max entailed: The fact that it was set in a post-apocalyptic time, that it involved a young Mel Gibson from back when Australia still claimed him as our own, that there was lots of cars, anger and explosions, and that Tina Turner shows up at some point in the third movie. But, with the fourth movie, Mad Max: Fury Road, out this week, I thought it was about time I actually watched the original. And here is what I discovered...

Guys I am watching #MadMax for the first time #pray4me

It's set "a few years from now" which is vague as hell, and opens on two people banging. You see peen and everything.

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I am 90 seconds in and I have seen peen ok #madmax

This guy is watching the people banging, and he gets very annoyed when he gets called away to chase after some criminal. Turns out he's a COP.

Cops in the future wear full leather gear and aviators and drive these brightly-coloured cars because they're hardcore like that.

The criminals the cops are chasing are these two hooligans. Look at them doing hooligan things. Screaming. Driving fast. Hooliganing.

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The guy's name is Night Rider, which you know because he keeps screaming it. The girl's name is who knows, because girls don't have many speaking parts in this film.

This cop, who I later figured out was named Goose, but for now knew him as That Australian Guy Who's Been In All The Things, falls off his bike during the chase, which he finds hilarious.

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At least, I think he fell. IDK something else may have happened but at this point there was so much happening and I was so confused. A feeling that became quite familiar as the movie wore on.

Goose calls in Max, who it turns out is ALSO A COP. This was a revelation to me.

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You don't actually see his face for like the first 10 minutes which I guess means he's kind of a big deal.

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There's an extended chase scene and it's all very intense and Night Rider starts crying instead of screaming because Mad Max is just that powerful I guess. And then Night Rider crashes and his car explodes and he and his nameless hooligan lady both die.

AND THEN WE FINALLY SEE MAD MAX'S FACE.

And like, ngl, Mel Gibson was totally bae, before he, you know, grew up to be Mel Gibson.

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Then Max is off to work and there's some stuff about a cool new car and Max gets crazy eyes with excitement, but my eyes just glazed over because I don't really know what's going on and don't really care about cars tbh.

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At this you might think I was watching the wrong movie but I WAS HERE FOR THE PLOT OBVIOUSLY.

So yeah, probably the wrong movie.

This random bikie gang rolls into town and they are incredibly camp and, like everyone in this movie, are over-acting by about 1000%.

It's quite funny but also confusing - their purpose seems to be something to do with the late great Night Rider, and also just causing mayhem?

Because they then just attack this random couple and destroy their car and apparently gang rape both of them and basically the situation escalates very quickly and it's incredibly awful.

Holy shit this is actually so brutal #MadMax

Max and Goose are called to the scene, and see the guy who has been attacked fleeing with no pants, and bleeding.

Goose decides the appropriate response is to scream at the guy and call him a turkey.

The guy runs off into the field and you never hear from him again. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?!??!?!

"Hey fella you're a turkey you know that" wut #MadMax

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Max and Goose horrifyingly find the girl chained up and brutalised, and arrest "The Boy" (I didn't catch his name in the movie, I actually had to Wiki it), one of the gang members who has for some reason been left behind.

The gang talks about going back to get him and they scream about the Night Rider some more. I guess the Night Rider was an important member of the gang judging by the number of times they scream his name.

I have no idea what's going on but it's basically all terrifying #MadMax

Then all of a sudden The Boy is being released because something bad went down at court, IDK, I was so confused I had to rewind it to see if I had missed something but nope, it was just confusing.

He joins the bikies on the beach, where they get weirdly excited about this mannequin and start making out with it? BECAUSE THEY'RE BIKIES I GUESS??!?! Then they shoot it. Coz, again, bikies?

LITERALLY WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE #madmax

Goose, meanwhile, was really REALLY mad that The Boy was released (maybe he was just as confused as me??), and, having tried to kill him, goes off to some nightclub to blow off some steam. Or something.

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I was beginning to wonder why this movie wasn't called Mad Goose because this guy was getting way more screentime than Max... and then this happened.

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The Boy and Toecutter, the skunk-haired leader of the bikies, set Goose's car on fire with him in it.

Apparently this movie is about a fuel crisis (according to Wiki, the movie itself didn't actually enlighten me on that little detail), which is strange considering they waste so much of the stuff.

Why did no one tell me that #MadMax is actually a HORROR movie omg

BUT WAIT, Goose isn't actually dead, he's in the hospital in this sheet-tent, which Max peeks under and is horrified. He gets that ~mad~ look in his eyes.

He quits his job because YOLO (also he is kinda enjoying the ~madness~ so he wants to quit while he's ahead, I guess), and his boss tries to convince him to stay because he looks so awesome in leather pants.

Said boss, whose name I think is Fifi, delivers a rousing speech about heroism while wearing some nice leather pants of his own, and not much else.

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He tells Max to grow a beard and take a holiday before deciding whether he actually wants to quit, which is pretty decent advice and can't POSSIBLY lead to anything going wrong, right?

"Grow yourself a beard" A+ life advice #madmax

Max takes his wife and presumably his child (you don't actually see the kid until necessary PLOT POINTS), and they buy a dog then hit the road for a fun family holiday, which provided a nice break in the tension until I remembered what movie I was watching.

SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN ISN'T IT?! THIS IS MAD MAX NOT HAPPY MAX.

Yep. Wouldn't you know it. Max's wife Jess conveniently remembers she has a child, who she reveals is named Sprog (confirming my theory that she and Max are terrible parents), in time for her to go get him an ice cream while Max gets something fixed at the mechanic (car troubles are happening, I guess, IDK).

"Just going to get Sprog some ice cream." NOTHING COULD GO WRONG HERE, YOU'RE JUST LIVING IN A SCARY POST-APOCALYPTIC WORLD FOR CHRISSAKE.

OF COURSE THE BAD GUY SHOWS UP AND LICKS HER GODDAMN ICE CREAM.

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It's so icky. Jess' response is to chuck her baby in the back of the car (PARENTING YEAH) and then knee ol' Toecutter in the balls. It's equal parts kick-arse and incredibly, incredibly dumb.

She grabs Max and he's all, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, because apparently he's stupid, and they go to this old lady May's place to continue their romantic holiday.

Poor Sprog's around here somewhere I guess.

Jess gets attacked when she goes off to the beach by herself (silly woman, doesn't she know that womenfolk need big strong men around at all times?!), because the bad guys have magic powers it seems and have somehow located her in the middle of nowhere.

THEY KILL THE DOG but Jess makes it to the old lady's house, feeling safe, while Max runs off into the bushes searching for the baddies. Unfortunately for him, the baddies are already AT THE HOUSE, which Jess discovers five minutes later when she finally remembers she has a child and rushes out to discover the bikies have got li'l Sprog. Because they remembered his existence before either of his parents did.

Old lady May pulls out her shotgun, leading to this glorious reaction from Toecutter:

She gets li'l Sprog back, rounds up the bikies and locks 'em in her shed. Because none of them have guns??? May, Jess and Sprog drive off, safe at last.

HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA yeah right. The car breaks down, the bikies escape, jump on their bikes, and RUN JESS DOWN WHILE SHE TRIES TO LITERALLY RUN AWAY FROM THEM.

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Poor Sprog dies on the spot. :(

Jess ends up in hospital with horrible injuries, and it's never clear if she recovers from them. We don't need to know, because she's served her plot purpose.

Guys. I was not prepared for this. #MadMax

He cracks out the leather and also gets a black car (I guess the one he was jizzing over earlier in the film?), because this movie is all about the symbolism. Then he picks off the bikies one by one.

Ol' Toecutter meets his end by colliding with a random truck that appears out of nowhere, and his eyes basically explode out of his head.

By this stage I was almost as broken as Max and just wanted the whole thing to be over. BUT THERE WAS MORE.

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Yeah, THIS FUCKING GUY.

Mad Max really lives up to his nickname and sets up some Saw-level shit trap so that The Boy has to literally SAW OFF HIS OWN FOOT TO ESCAPE.

So #MadMax is intense AF omg I am not OK

In summary: Mad Max is a modern-day fairy tale about the bad things that happen if you give your kids dumb names like Sprog.

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