Mad Max debuted when I was minus 7 years old i.e. way before my time. But it IS an Australian classic, so it's pretty shocking that I, an Australian, have never ever seen it. UNTIL NOW.
It's set "a few years from now" which is vague as hell, and opens on two people banging. You see peen and everything.
This guy is watching the people banging, and he gets very annoyed when he gets called away to chase after some criminal. Turns out he's a COP.
Cops in the future wear full leather gear and aviators and drive these brightly-coloured cars because they're hardcore like that.
The criminals the cops are chasing are these two hooligans. Look at them doing hooligan things. Screaming. Driving fast. Hooliganing.
This cop, who I later figured out was named Goose, but for now knew him as That Australian Guy Who's Been In All The Things, falls off his bike during the chase, which he finds hilarious.
Goose calls in Max, who it turns out is ALSO A COP. This was a revelation to me.
There's an extended chase scene and it's all very intense and Night Rider starts crying instead of screaming because Mad Max is just that powerful I guess. And then Night Rider crashes and his car explodes and he and his nameless hooligan lady both die.
AND THEN WE FINALLY SEE MAD MAX'S FACE.
And like, ngl, Mel Gibson was totally bae, before he, you know, grew up to be Mel Gibson.
Cut to some lovely scenes of Max's home life with his cute baby and his sax-playing wife.
It's all very sweet, except they mostly ignore the baby. LIKE RN HE IS LEGIT PLAYING WITH A GUN?!!??!!!
Then Max is off to work and there's some stuff about a cool new car and Max gets crazy eyes with excitement, but my eyes just glazed over because I don't really know what's going on and don't really care about cars tbh.
This random bikie gang rolls into town and they are incredibly camp and, like everyone in this movie, are over-acting by about 1000%.
It's quite funny but also confusing - their purpose seems to be something to do with the late great Night Rider, and also just causing mayhem?
Because they then just attack this random couple and destroy their car and apparently gang rape both of them and basically the situation escalates very quickly and it's incredibly awful.
Max and Goose are called to the scene, and see the guy who has been attacked fleeing with no pants, and bleeding.
Goose decides the appropriate response is to scream at the guy and call him a turkey.
The guy runs off into the field and you never hear from him again. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?!??!?!
Max and Goose horrifyingly find the girl chained up and brutalised, and arrest "The Boy" (I didn't catch his name in the movie, I actually had to Wiki it), one of the gang members who has for some reason been left behind.
The gang talks about going back to get him and they scream about the Night Rider some more. I guess the Night Rider was an important member of the gang judging by the number of times they scream his name.
Then all of a sudden The Boy is being released because something bad went down at court, IDK, I was so confused I had to rewind it to see if I had missed something but nope, it was just confusing.
He joins the bikies on the beach, where they get weirdly excited about this mannequin and start making out with it? BECAUSE THEY'RE BIKIES I GUESS??!?! Then they shoot it. Coz, again, bikies?
Goose, meanwhile, was really REALLY mad that The Boy was released (maybe he was just as confused as me??), and, having tried to kill him, goes off to some nightclub to blow off some steam. Or something.
I was beginning to wonder why this movie wasn't called Mad Goose because this guy was getting way more screentime than Max... and then this happened.
BUT WAIT, Goose isn't actually dead, he's in the hospital in this sheet-tent, which Max peeks under and is horrified. He gets that ~mad~ look in his eyes.
He quits his job because YOLO (also he is kinda enjoying the ~madness~ so he wants to quit while he's ahead, I guess), and his boss tries to convince him to stay because he looks so awesome in leather pants.
Said boss, whose name I think is Fifi, delivers a rousing speech about heroism while wearing some nice leather pants of his own, and not much else.
Max takes his wife and presumably his child (you don't actually see the kid until necessary PLOT POINTS), and they buy a dog then hit the road for a fun family holiday, which provided a nice break in the tension until I remembered what movie I was watching.
SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN ISN'T IT?! THIS IS MAD MAX NOT HAPPY MAX.
Yep. Wouldn't you know it. Max's wife Jess conveniently remembers she has a child, who she reveals is named Sprog (confirming my theory that she and Max are terrible parents), in time for her to go get him an ice cream while Max gets something fixed at the mechanic (car troubles are happening, I guess, IDK).
"Just going to get Sprog some ice cream." NOTHING COULD GO WRONG HERE, YOU'RE JUST LIVING IN A SCARY POST-APOCALYPTIC WORLD FOR CHRISSAKE.
OF COURSE THE BAD GUY SHOWS UP AND LICKS HER GODDAMN ICE CREAM.
She grabs Max and he's all, NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, because apparently he's stupid, and they go to this old lady May's place to continue their romantic holiday.
Poor Sprog's around here somewhere I guess.
Jess gets attacked when she goes off to the beach by herself (silly woman, doesn't she know that womenfolk need big strong men around at all times?!), because the bad guys have magic powers it seems and have somehow located her in the middle of nowhere.
THEY KILL THE DOG but Jess makes it to the old lady's house, feeling safe, while Max runs off into the bushes searching for the baddies. Unfortunately for him, the baddies are already AT THE HOUSE, which Jess discovers five minutes later when she finally remembers she has a child and rushes out to discover the bikies have got li'l Sprog. Because they remembered his existence before either of his parents did.
Old lady May pulls out her shotgun, leading to this glorious reaction from Toecutter:
She gets li'l Sprog back, rounds up the bikies and locks 'em in her shed. Because none of them have guns??? May, Jess and Sprog drive off, safe at last.