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    I Watched "The Mummy" For The First Time And Had A Lot Of Thoughts

    How did I go so long without seeing this movie?!

    Until recently, I was one of the few remaining people in the world who had never seen The Mummy.

    The Mummy movie poster featuring a collage of images from the movie
    Universal Pictures / Courtesy Everett Collection

    I was 13 when the movie came out, and right in the middle of the requisite “obsessed with ancient Egypt” phase we all go through (unless, of course, you were more of a Pompeii kind of teen). You might think I would've jumped at the chance to watch The Mummy, but no — I was that annoying kind of 13-year-old who thought ancient Egypt was actually to be Taken Very Seriously, and historical accuracy was sacred. Luckily, I’ve grown up and unclenched, and decided to finally look into what I've been missing.

    Here are all the thoughts I had while watching it...

    Anck-Su-Namun walks toward the camera wearing elaborate body paint
    Universal / Via yocalio.tumblr.com

    1. Ooooh, we’re beginning in ancient Egypt! I can’t tell if it’s historically accurate because I’ve forgotten everything I ever learned before the age of 25. 


    2. Anck-Su-Namun is wearing A LOT of bronzer.


    3. Imhotep is much hotter than the pharaoh; I don’t blame Anck-Su-Namun for falling for him instead.


    4. Omg, they killed the pharaoh. That escalated quickly.


    5. His bodyguards aren’t very good at their job.


    6. Would Anck-Su-Namun’s body have been preserved, though? Considering she murdered the king and all?


    7. I should switch my brain off for this, shouldn’t I?


    8. The special effects aren’t greeeeat, but they could be worse, considering the movie is like 22 years old. 


    9. Anck-Su-Namun is back! 


    10. Oh, no she isn’t, lol. 


    11. Imhotep’s priests are being mummified alive; this is horrific.


    12. I feel so claustrophobic watching Imhotep getting wrapped up and...oh fuck, what is happening...THE BUGS??!! NO. 


    13. I want to vomit. 

    Close-up of Evie; she has very thin eyebrows
    Universal

    14. And now we’re in modern times. “Modern.” 


    15. A hot magi guy is the narrator. Okay. 


    16. A curse that makes you powerful and invincible is maybe not a great curse?


    17. Here’s Brendan Fraser! 😍


    18. Why is everyone wearing a hat except for him? I’m worried about sunburn. 


    19. Why are these guys all fighting?


    20. Just how many guns does Brendan Fraser have on his person?


    21. This Beni guy is a real crappy friend.


    22. Well. Brendan Fraser is all dirty, and I don’t really want to talk about how into it I am.


    23. The sand is haunted!


    24. Rachel Weisz’s eyebrows are quite something. 


    25. She’s doing ladder tricks?! Never a dull moment. 


    26. NOOOO, NOT THE BOOKS.


    27. To be fair, if you didn’t want your bookshelves to fall like dominoes, maybe don’t line them up like that?

    Rick kisses Evie through bars
    Universal / Via onscreenkisses.tumblr.com

    28. “You are a catastrophe.” Me too, Rachel, me too.


    29. Her brother is very weird for enjoying playing with corpses.


    30. He’s giving her an ancient artifact, and she’s opening and handling it like it’s nothing? Shouldn’t she be more careful? 


    31. Did that curator dude just burn an ancient map? WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE DOING
?

    32. Brendan Fraser is in jail? With long hair! Big George of the Jungle vibes.


    33. God, he’s so hot.


    34. I already want him and Rachel to make out.


    35. OMG, THEY KISSED.


    36. I was not expecting to watch Brendan Fraser be hanged. Luckily, Rachel Weisz saved him. 


    37. I really should learn their character names. 


    38. Oh, Brendan cleaned up WELL. 


    39. The way he is STROKING that gun, omfg.


    40. Beni the bad friend is back. He absolutely deserved to be thrown overboard, tbh.

    Rick looks at Evie in surprise and says, "You're warning me?"
    Universal / Via yocalio.tumblr.com

    41. Evie (that’s her name!) is wearing a really cute nightgown.


    42. She is so thirsty for Brendan (whoops, still don’t know his name), and I don’t blame her.


    43. Oh no, the magi guys have sneaked into her room. I like that she is fighting back.


    44. The ship is on fire, which is not ideal
.

    45. These American cowboy wannabes are really annoying.


    46. Evie got a makeover with a really incredible smoky eye; nice.


    47. Does this hot magi guy ever leave this cliff top?


    48. This race across the desert on camels is very funny.


    49. Beni absolutely deserved to be thrown on the ground.

    50. Nothing like some aggressive camel riding to get the romance going.


    51. BRENDAN GOT HER TOOLS. TAKE MY HEART FOREVER.


    52. “I hate bugs.” Okay, so prison guy is definitely going to be killed by bugs, isn’t he?


    53. Evie is so smart.

    Rick hands Evie a set of tools and says, "Here, this is for you"
    Universal / Via dianas-bishop.tumblr.com

    54. Not the British guy using the Egyptians as disposable fodder for opening the tomb. 


    55. Oh no, here come the bugs. OH MY GOD, IT’S INSIDE HIS SKIN, OH MY GOD.


    56. “He that shall not be named.” [Tiffany Pollard meme] VOLDEMORT?


    57. Here comes the hot magi. He finally left the cliff. 


    58. Oh my god, Brendan just pulled Evie up and is still holding on to her, and the chemistry is crackling; I’m obsessed. 


    59. “What is a place like me doing in a girl like this?” I really, really love her.


    60. Bless the wind for gently caressing Brendan Fraser’s hair.

    61. “I am proud of what I am...I am a librarian.” SHE IS THE BEST. 


    62. Oh, his name is Rick!!


    63. Yes, kiss him! 


    64. Don’t vomit, don’t vomit, don’t vomit. 


    65. Well, she didn’t vomit. She just fell asleep instead. Damn. 


    66. Yes, exactly what you should do when you find a cursed chest: read out the inscription, evil British dude. 


    67. “He will be a plague upon this Earth.” No thanks, we have enough already. 

    Rick stands next to a sarcophagus and says "You dream about dead guys?" to Evie
    Universal / Via yocalio.tumblr.com

    68. “You dream about dead guys?” That line delivery was exquisite. 


    69. The lesson of this movie is really, “This shit is NOT yours and you should leave it alone.”

    70. Oh god, the claw marks inside the sarcophagus. *Shudder*


    71. Rick just made Beni move so Evie could sit next to him, and my heart did a thing. 


    72. No. Don’t put the key in the book of the dead. Don’t do that. 


    73. “It’s just a book.” Evie, as a librarian, shouldn’t you know it’s never “just” a book?


    74. DON’T READ OUT LOUD FROM THE BOOK OF THE DEAD.


    75. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, EVIE?

    76. OH GOD. IMHOTEP IS ALIVE.


    77. “Alive.”


    78. How is the evil English dude smarter than Evie right now?! I am disappointed. 


    79. Here comes the first plague. 


    80. The use of this American guy’s poor vision is a good way to make this scene even spookier.

    81. OH GOD, IMHOTEP, HE TOOK HIS EYES?!


    82. Maybe he should have gone for some that didn’t require glasses, though? Then he wouldn’t have confused Evie for Anck-Su-Namun.

    Rick screams while holding a sword
    Universal / Via cantfightfatetoo.tumblr.com

    83. Rick screaming back at the monster has cemented that I will love him forever. 


    84. Hey, magi, maybe don’t use a curse you’ll have to spend the next 3,000 years dealing with?


    85. The hot magi is a bit dramatic. I guess I would be too if I spent my life on a cliff staring at a desert. 


    86. Bye-bye, Beni; I will enjoy Imhotep eating your flesh. 


    87. Oh my god, Beni didn’t get it, goddammit.


    88. Did they just...leave? Knowing they’ve unleashed an actual demon?


    89. Well, at least Evie intends to stop Imhotep. 


    90. I love when two characters yell “Fine” at each other when everything is obviously not fine. And also, they want to make out. 


    91. Oh my god, Imhotep and Beni have come back for this poor American guy. He must have good organs.


    92. Imhotep’s outfit is quite a look. 


    93. The second curse! And the third one! Blood and fire — suddenly I feel like I’m watching Game of Thrones.


    94. Oh my god, Imhotep’s scared of cats. 


    95. Get an army of cats! Problem solved.


    96. The curator dude is in a secret society with the magi? No wonder he burned the map. 


    97. Intellectually, I don’t love a guy hauling a woman over his shoulder and locking her in her room for her own “protection.” But when it’s Rick doing it to Evie...well. Let’s just say on levels other than intellectual, I Am Into It. 

    Rick holds up a cat which is hissing
    Universal / Via acecroft.tumblr.com

    98. The evil British dude is definitely gonna die before they reach him.


    99. Yep, there he goes.


    100. Aspects of this movie are genuinely terrifying. 


    101. Evie is wearing another nightgown I want to own. 


    102. Would never recover from waking up to a kiss from a half-corpse dude. 


    103. SCREAMING at Rick using a cat as a weapon. 


    104. Evie is such a nerd. I love her. 


    105. Her brother is actually pretty good comedic value. 


    106. Why is Imhotep standing there screaming as they escape? Can’t he just turn into a sand tornado and follow them? Or stop them, even?


    107. I wasn’t mad about the last American getting caught, but then I realized that that means Imhotep is fully regenerated and not scared of cats anymore. Uh-oh. 


    108. “If he turns me into a mummy, you’re the first one I’m coming after.” I have said it so many times, but once again, here I am loving Evie.

    109. THE LOOK BETWEEN RICK AND EVIE. AHHH.


    110. Shooting that giant sandstorm face is not gonna do anything, Rick, you beautiful, ridiculous man.

    Evie and Rick touch noses and smile while standing in the desert
    Universal / Via vivienvalentino.tumblr.com

    111. Quicksand! This movie has everything.


    112. As the meme says, ’90s movies really gave me unrealistic expectations of how much danger quicksand would pose in my life. 


    113. Yes, Evie, I am waiting for Beni’s comeuppance too. 


    114. The scarab-burrowing-under-the-skin thing is extremely disturbing.


    115. Oh yay, more mummy-zombie things. 


    116. The way Rick used the hot magi’s beard to light that match did things to me I wasn’t expecting. 


    117. Oh no, hot magi! Don’t die!


    118. Anck-Su-Namun has seen better days.


    119. I appreciate that Rick’s reaction to most things is to scream in their face. (Same.)


    120. Imhotep’s death was the worst special effects of the whole movie, tbh.


    121. Looooool, Beni is trapped with all the gold. Fitting. 


    122. And the hot magi got out!


    123. AND EVIE AND RICK ARE KISSING.


    124. YESSSSSSS.


    125. THE NOSE RUB? EXCUSE ME?!?!?!??!


    126. Omg, they’re just gonna make out on the camel the whole way home. 


    127. That was so fun. Now I must watch all the sequels. Except maybe that one with Tom Cruise.

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