I Watched "Die Hard" For The First Time And Had A Lot Of Thoughts

1. I have no idea what this movie is about, other than a cop gets caught in the middle of a terrorist attack and hides in the vents to ambush them. I think he’s Christmas shopping at the time?


2. I wonder if this toe fist trick works. I’ll have to try it next time I fly. Whenever that is.


3. “I’m a cop. Trust me.” Well, that hits differently in 2020.


4. Is this giant teddy hiding weapons or something?


5. It’s so jarring seeing people smoke everywhere in old movies. 


6. Oh, it’s Christmas eve? 


7. Uh-oh he’s been separated from his family. Let me guess, he will get them back by the end.


8. Bruce Willis was a bit of a babe, hey. I finally get it.


9. Ah, he’s a ride-in-the-front-seat kind of guy. Salt of the Earth.


10. He chose his job over his family? But he’s blaming his wife for choosing her job? Hmmm.


11. We have Christmas music. This is definitely a Christmas movie. How was that ever even in question?


12. Lol at this basic touch screen being super high tech. 


13. Bruce Willis and his wife clearly still love each other. They’re definitely gonna kiss in the third act.


14. I really hope he grows out of being such a boofhead before that though.

15. Look at that long blonde hair and trench coat. This guy may as well be wearing a neon flashing sign saying “I am a bad guy”. 


16. A whole truck full of baddies!


17. ALAN RICKMAN. WITH A GOATEE.


18. Oh he’s hot. 


19. Why did I think this took place in a mall? It’s a private company Christmas party. 


20. Bruce is trying the toe carpet trick which means he’s gonna be stuck barefoot for the rest of the movie, isn’t he?


21. Shiiiiiiiiiit they’re just opening fire at the crowd oh my god. 


22. Alan Rickman is so extra just casually quoting Plutarch. I love him.


23. So they want to rob the vault. What even is this company, anyway?


24. Omg I wasn’t expecting murder quite yet.


25. Neither was Bruce Willis, it seems.


26. Those are some tight grey sweatpants this bad guy is wearing. 


27. “You won’t hurt me. Because you are a policeman. There are rules for policemen.”

28. This basically feels like Home Alone for adults
.

29. “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.” SCREAMING. 


30. These cops thinking he’s prank calling are soooo frustrating.

31. He’s going in the elevator shaft. Oh my god this is stressful. 


32. I’m clenching.

33. He’s in the vent! With the lighter! I’ve seen this gif!


34. I need these bad guys to drop their hair care routine. 


35. How is the dude who was chilling in the limo doing?


36. Death by crotch shot. Brutal.


37. Oh the guy chilling in the limo is having a great time, just vibing while chaos engulfs the world outside. The energy I’m taking into 2021.


38. “Yippee ki yay motherfucker” so THAT is the context of that line. 


39. Thinking about the way Alan Rickman says detonator. Respectfully.  


40. The guy playing the head cop is always an asshole in ‘80s movies.


41. Okay I low-key ship Bruce Willis’ wife and Hans. They have chemistry. 


42. Oh my god they literally brought out the big guns.


43. Wait now I ship Bruce Willis and Hans. The unresolved sexual tension!!


44. You’d never see the level of hair Bruce Willis has on his back on any action lead now. Let people be hairy, Hollywood!


45. I bet Bruce Willis isn’t so mad now that his wife uses her maiden name. It’s the only thing protecting her.

46. “It’s Christmas Theo, it’s the time of miracles.” Hans is great.


47. The cops are named Johnson and Johnson? Lol.


48. Finally Bruce Willis and Hans come face to face. Now kiss. 


49. Hans is acting like a hostage. This is amazing. Excellent plotting, excellent execution, I am IN. 


50. DON’T GIVE HIM A GUN BRUCE.


51. Ahhh it’s unloaded, okay I see you Bruce. 


52. He really is barefoot for the whole movie hahahahaaa.


53. Carl’s “smile” has ended me.


54. Oh god the glass in Bruce’s foot looks so painful.


55. Al shot a kid? I did not see that coming.


56. The vault opening sequence is beautiful. Merry Christmas indeed. 


57. Bruce Willis is now shirtless. I’m not mad. 


58. I’m glad he’s had his feminist awakening. 


59. The reporter ruined everything. This is why people hate journalists. 


60. Hans being like, how dare you say I’m a common thief, I am an EXCEPTIONAL thief. Yes. 


61. Oh my god Bruce is not going to jump off the edge of this building using a hose oh my god oh my god oh my—

62. Now that is one hell of an explosion shot.


63. THIS IS SO STRESSFUL.


64. That guy is still in the limo!!


65. My sexuality is Alan Rickman saying “yippee ki yay motherfucker”.


66. That is some good fall-acting Alan Rickman.


67. Kinda sad to see the end of Hans tbh. 


68. Of course Bruce and his wife are back together!


69. Bruce and Al are my fave BROTP.


70. That was so fun. I can see this becoming a Christmas tradition.