There’s Gay Dinosaur Erotic Fiction And We Read It So You Don’t Have To

Oh, there’s ghost unicorns too.

1. This is Chuck Tingle (DEFINITELY his real name). He’s an ~author~ who writes erotic fiction involving gay dinosaurs and unicorns.

 

According to his Amazon bio, he’s also a tae kwon do grandmaster with a Ph.D. Apparently he’s a stock image model too, because what other explanation could there be for his photos showing up on stock image sites?

2. This is Tingle’s a/s/l.

3. And these are Tingle’s “tinglers”. Naturally as soon as I saw these masterpieces I had to read them.

So, joined by my friend Mat, I embarked on a butt odyssey of Jurassic proportions.

4. First we had the story of Jeremy, owner of a “gay ass” and former owner of a pet triceratops turned billionaire cabaret dancer, Oliver.

Even though dinosaur and human relationships are frowned upon (what a world!), Jeremy finds he can’t resist his rich former pet when Oliver takes him out. In fact, they skip right over dinner and go home to have fun with Oliver’s triceracock. This story just raised so many questions, like: How do dinosaurs kiss? Are triceracocks scaly? And why the hell would you skip dinner if your billionaire former pet dinosaur is paying?

@matwhi Also does Mr Tingles just pull a bunch of words out of a hat. How else do you get gay billionaire cabaret dancing triceratops

— Jenna Guillaume (@JennaGuillaume)

7. Next there was Donny, who ended his first day at his new job at Jurassic Law by having a gangbang with a bunch of T-Rexes.

Basically Donny’s boss, Tyson Rex, pulls out a contract that will allow the partners at the firm to “run a T-Rex gangbang train on Donny Sullivan’s gay human ass for the sum of ten million dollars even” (this is a direct quote). And Donny is so tired from his hard day filing paperwork he’s like, Oh well can’t do anything about it and goes along with it, even though he insists he isn’t gay and doesn’t want to have sex with dinosaurs. Of course he loves it in the end, but really it’s 50 shades of dinosaur wrong.

— mat whitehead (@matwhi)

@matwhi he's just their sex slave now? "Oh I'm so excited about law I'll work as a secretary nvm just use me as a sex toy"

— Jenna Guillaume (@JennaGuillaume)

10. Then there was Lance, an astronaut stuck alone in space for a year who gets lucky when he meets an astro-saur.

According to Space Raptor Butt Invasion, dinosaurs didn’t actually go extinct - they learned how to travel through space! There’s a lot of ~world building~ in this one (like, three whole pages), but of course it finally all comes to banging - despite Lance’s protestations that he’s NOT gay. He is basically a personification of #nohomo.

@JennaGuillaume 2 pages in and he hasn't even popped a boner. What is this? Tolstoy?

— mat whitehead (@matwhi)

@matwhi "I mean, it's not gay if it's a dude raptor and a dude human, right?" DUDE

— Jenna Guillaume (@JennaGuillaume)

13. But Tingle’s tinglers are more than just dinosaurs - he also writes erotic fiction about unicorns. GHOST unicorn colonels, to be precise.

My Ass Is Haunted By The Gay Unicorn Colonel is about Roger (a human), who has been obsessed with ghost hunting ever since his unicorn lover Paulo died. He hits the jackpot when he stays in this old southern bed and breakfast where he discovers a ghost unicorn Civil War colonel. The colonel informs Roger that his dead unicorn lover Paulo is haunting his butt (disappointingly making the name of the book somewhat misleading), and wants to use the colonel as a proxy to take that haunting to a-whole-nother level, if ya know what I mean. So that’s what happens and it’s ~magical~.

This was deep. @matwhi

— Jenna Guillaume (@JennaGuillaume)

— mat whitehead (@matwhi)

16. There’s also football-playing unicorns. A whole squad of them.

In Pounded By The Gay Unicorn Football Squad, Aaron is a closeted human playing for an all-unicorn football team. He decides to be brave and come out, telling the world he’s not a unicorn. Apparently they didn’t notice his lack of horn, hooves, or general horsey features. Anyway, his daring confession attracts the admiration of his teammates, and they commence in a “massive, team-wide romantic relationship with one another” (actual quote). In other words, there’s a massive, team-wide gangbang.

@matwhi lol at him looking up to a sea of erect unicorn dicks

— Jenna Guillaume (@JennaGuillaume)

@JennaGuillaume I'm sitting in Kings cross station reading a unicorn gangbang ebook. Mum will be so proud.

— mat whitehead (@matwhi)

19. Finally, we move on from unicorns and dinosaurs to the story of a bigfoot - the first to become president, actually - and the journalist who captured his heart (but here, heart means dick).

Allen is a hotshot journalist-blogger whose skills involve being a young hot gay man (that’s basically what his resume says). He nabs an interview with President Gardook Yuldok, a bigfoot. Except here “interview” means “sex”, which Allen discovers to his delight, despite the fact bigfoot-human relations are taboo (even presidents can’t erase all prejudices). Because you know what they say about big feet (yes, this line is in the book).

Manners are so important

— mat whitehead (@matwhi)

@matwhi there's an official presidential butt plug

— Jenna Guillaume (@JennaGuillaume)

22. And so concludes our Jurassic journey into Tingle’s ~tinglers~. Check them out here, or follow Tingle on Twitter - where he follows only one person: Taylor Swift.

@taylorswift13 please follow# back my son #is a huge fan

— Chuck The Tingler (@ChuckTingle)

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

Jenna Guillaume is a senior editor for BuzzFeed and is based in Sydney.
 
  Your Reaction?
 

    Contributions

    Now Buzzing