1.
[prison] ME: How’d you guys get your nicknames? MURDER MIKE: Murder. DRUG DOUG: Drugs. FUCKED A LAMP POST LARRY: uhh murder drugs
2.
No one: Ukulele bitches: wæįse mæñ šæÿ...œńłÿ füûls rúùśh în...büt æÿêëę cæhñt hêælp...fælłiîng įn lłøūve wîth ÿõû
3.
Y'all wanna see every feeling at once?
4.
[holding my grubby little hands out like a bowl] please sis I want some tea
5.
ppl always telling me not to put all my eggs in 1 basket im like buddy ... bold of u to assume i even have a basket
6.
Me to my pets at 3 a.m.
7.
Apparently it’s rude to poke a stranger’s forehead and say “skip intro” when they start talking to you.
8.
*jeff buckley hallelujah voice* despacito
9.
*on Ellen* ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die ME: haha yeah, i do *Death comes out, creeps up behind me* ME: omg ellen you didnt
10.
ME: Can I buy you a drink? HER: I have a boyfriend. ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
11.
imagine having a cute lil wine night with the gals and not endin up fuckin hammered singing abba songs & texting all the wrong people. could never be me unfortunately
12.
Today a woman on my bus asked if my phone’s wallpaper was my girlfriend and I said yes.
13.
friend: "ok, when does a joke become a 'dad joke'?" me, with no hesitation: "when it becomes apparent"
14.
another troll obliterated
15.
[Plato returns from the dead] Plato: so who's that girl, are you together? Me: nah, it's purely platonic. Plato: ...what does platonic mean? Me: it means we don't have sex. Plato: what the fuck
16.
[wedding] Priest: repeat after me Groom: after me P: ... [to bride] is he serious Bride: no his name is gary
17.
B. Cooper and L. Gaga.
18.
me: so i said what are you gonna do, kick my ass? nurse: then what happened
19.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel people in their stomach.
20.
IS THIS GONE GIRL
21.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start BATMAN: check the battery ROBIN: what’s a tery
22.
don’t forget where we came from