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    Updated on 4 Sep 2018. Posted on 3 Sep 2018

    22 Damn Funny Tweets You'll Probably Laugh Internally At

    [holding my grubby little hands out like a bowl] please sis I want some tea.

    1.

    [prison] ME: How’d you guys get your nicknames? MURDER MIKE: Murder. DRUG DOUG: Drugs. FUCKED A LAMP POST LARRY: uhh murder drugs

    2.

    No one: Ukulele bitches: wæįse mæñ šæÿ...œńłÿ füûls rúùśh în...büt æÿêëę cæhñt hêælp...fælłiîng įn lłøūve wîth ÿõû

    3.

    Y'all wanna see every feeling at once?

    4.

    [holding my grubby little hands out like a bowl] please sis I want some tea

    5.

    ppl always telling me not to put all my eggs in 1 basket im like buddy ... bold of u to assume i even have a basket

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    Apparently it’s rude to poke a stranger’s forehead and say “skip intro” when they start talking to you.

    8.

    *jeff buckley hallelujah voice* despacito

    9.

    *on Ellen* ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die ME: haha yeah, i do *Death comes out, creeps up behind me* ME: omg ellen you didnt

    10.

    ME: Can I buy you a drink? HER: I have a boyfriend. ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

    11.

    imagine having a cute lil wine night with the gals and not endin up fuckin hammered singing abba songs & texting all the wrong people. could never be me unfortunately

    12.

    Today a woman on my bus asked if my phone’s wallpaper was my girlfriend and I said yes.

    13.

    friend: "ok, when does a joke become a 'dad joke'?" me, with no hesitation: "when it becomes apparent"

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    15.

    [Plato returns from the dead] Plato: so who's that girl, are you together? Me: nah, it's purely platonic. Plato: ...what does platonic mean? Me: it means we don't have sex. Plato: what the fuck

    16.

    [wedding] Priest: repeat after me Groom: after me P: ... [to bride] is he serious Bride: no his name is gary

    17.

    18.

    me: so i said what are you gonna do, kick my ass? nurse: then what happened

    19.

    When butterflies fall in love, do they feel people in their stomach.

    20.

    21.

    ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start BATMAN: check the battery ROBIN: what’s a tery

    22.

    don’t forget where we came from

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