1.
- Fred, Velma, Shaggy... Can you name one of the 'Big 5' African animals? - Rhino - We know you do, Scooby, but it's not your team's turn
2.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
3.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table* Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don't recognize it.
4.
will my husband ever return from the trash
5.
Greeks be like Here’s your free horse 🐴___/ /(😈)\
6.
Remember when you were little and you'd fall on the trampoline and everyone would keep jumping so you couldn't get back up? That's how adult life feels
7.
aladdin: I can show you the world jasmine:
8.
For the next week, please only talk to me about Salem walking the red carpet for Chilling Adventures of Sabrina
9.
distance I’m willing to walk for you: Me 📍 📏 (500 miles) 📏 📏 📍 📏 (500 more miles) 📏 📏 📍your door
10.
Thought I’d lost the dog there turns out av accidentally put the recliner down on him and he’s been lying inside the couch for an hour no giving a fuck
11.
This is truly one of the worst pieces of home decor I've ever seen.
12.
Flight Attendant: Help! Is there a doctor on board??? Weird Aunt: *holding bottle of lavender essential oils* I have something even better
13.
did an apple cider doughnut write this https://t.co/aAszTQTyIE
14.
went to class today really thinking i had grabbed my computer off the kitchen counter
15.
every white boy in a teen film when someone compliments them: *scoffs* yeah well tell that to my dad.... 😔
16.
Do regular dogs see police dogs and say oh shit it’s the cops
17.
God: Now make it hard to store leftover avocado Angel: Why? God: Because … [God pulls off mask and is actually Devil in disguise] Angel: No! Not again! Devil: Peace out, motherfucker. [Devil runs out. God enters] God: So sorry, I thought we said Conference Room 4
18.
If you've ever worried about your professional headshot, take a moment to absorb Victor Hugo's.
19.
how are unicorns fake but giraffes are real like what’s more believable a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40 foot neck
20.
My dog just got surgery because he tore a ligament in his knee so they had to shave him and now you can see his lil butt crack https://t.co/SNX0QnQqwR
21.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he's a doll
22.
╭ ◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ╮ | AAAAAAAAAA AAAA AA | | AAAAAAA | ╰ ◟◞ ͜ ◟◞ ͜ ◟◞ ͜ ◟◞ ͜ ◟◞ ͜ ◟◞ ͜ ╯ O o ° https://t.co/o4QmU9WzlA
23.
Is... is this an improved version of the "Distracted Boyfriend" meme
24.
sick of recipes calling for a miserly one shallot. give me a recipe that asks for a whole bunch!! what do you want me to do snack on shallots
25.
[at a dive bar] Friend: Look, I know you're disappointed, but we should at least have one drink. Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I'd like to leave, please.
26.
When the moon hits your knees And you mispronounce trees Sycamore
27.
"I do like it but don't you think perhaps it's a little ... you know... a little bit too penisy?" Architect: "Don't worry, there'll be so many fireworks and lights on the launch night, nobody will ever notice" https://t.co/rqh04z5L2a