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    If These 29 Tweets Don't Make You Laugh, I Don't Know What Will

    "You: Let’s get this bread. J.D. Salinger, an intellectual: Let’s catch this rye."

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    First date Her: Let's exchange numbers Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

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    Julius Caesar’s senators on 15th March 44 BC

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    This is what it’s like to get texts from my fourteen year old while driving.

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    you: let’s get this bread j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

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    I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

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    Baby Shark is #32 on Billboard 100. 😂 🔥

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    job interviewer: it looks like you tweeted here “i would let jake gyllenhaal suffocate me with his thighs”? what’s that about me:

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    having too many tabs open is an age-old problem

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    Every now and then a British TV meme account comes up in my timeline and it is always 👌🏻

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    “you can’t even dance to Fleetwood Mac” me, an intellectual:

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    "Rami Malek always looks like he's trying to eat chips as quietly as possible" https://t.co/xQdtMoJJFo

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    benicio: i'm gonna say this line like i'm a scary monster ok director: maybe just try it normal? benicio:

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    Google Docs to me when I try to move an image

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    wife: I wish you'd stop bringing your work home with you Dr Frankenstein: he has a name wife: DOES HE

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    does the daily mail think larry hemsworth is a real person

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    Olivia Colman should win the Oscar for this 13 seconds alone

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    My grandmother has a new “friend” at her retirement community. He takes her shopping and to get her hair and nails done. She told me that his wife doesn’t mind because she has Alzheimer’s. Ma’am.

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    They put makeup on a potato is the new they did surgery on a grape

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    Ben Affleck should not be in period pieces, his face looks like it knows what phones are. https://t.co/rzDNVEixg2

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    sorry i cannot hold your baby i am not confident i would save it over my phone if i dropped them both

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