1.
Someone, presumably in 1976, thought this would be nice.
2.
I went ahead and exposed they ass.
3.
I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like "cook it again", unreal
4.
turns out i've been eating chips like a fucking idiot all this time
5.
This is the epitome of transferable job skills https://t.co/G6SyveH7UK
6.
God I love pasta. Stressed out? Pasta. Sad? Pasta. Tired? Pasta. There is nothing that cannot be solved by silky, creamy, cheesy pasta, I swear it 🙌
7.
I like eating Salt and Vinegar chips because it hurts a little and I feel like I deserve that for choosing to eat chips
8.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming. Me: No.
9.
90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
10.
I can make pasta enough for zero or 25 people. There is no in between. Anyway, though, you guys hungry?
11.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It's like the other vegetables aren't even trying.
12.
How much spinach I start cooking vs how much I end up with.
13.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
14.
[inventing the toaster] engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4 chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
15.
*calls up pizza place* WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT'S WORKING
16.
My fatass was drunk last night and had a photo shoot with my McDonald’s hashbrown at 4AM
17.
office culture is someone bringing in donuts and everyone for some reason refusing to take a whole one and cutting off 3/8 of the donut and then at the end of the day there's like 17/25ths of 9 different donuts left