"Bonjour Timothy" Is The Best Teen Movie You've Never Heard Of
It's from New Zealand in the '90s and it is GOLD.
Back story: In the '90s I was obsessed with this movie called Bonjour Timothy, about a New Zealand teen who falls for the French Canadian exchange student his family is hosting.
It was before the internet was a thing, and none of my friends had heard of it/wanted to watch it, so I fangirled on my lonesome. Over time, it began to feel like something I had made up.
On a whim I looked it up, and discovered that not only was it very real, the whole damn movie is now on YouTube.
So, naturally, I decided to watch it, live-tweet and post about it, because the internet IS a thing now and never again will anyone have to doubt the existence of Bonjour Timothy.
The opening shot is of a Rugby scrum, placing us firmly in the setting of pre-Middle Earth New Zealand.
The whole chasing balls part is where I'd normally start to zone out, but soon this floppy-haired guy falls into the mud, and floppy-haired muddy guys are basically a '90s girl's wet dream.
Floppy-Haired Mud Guy zones out of the game himself when he sees this girl on the sidelines, and then he's basically run over by Mean Guy™.
Somehow this makes him a hero because sports make no sense. This pisses off Mean Guy™ (who is also now muddy), who vows "VENGEANCE WILL BE MIIIINE" with his shady spit.
Floppy-Haired Mud Guy gets clean and is now just Floppy-Haired Guy, a.k.a. the Timothy of the title. He is also strangely familiar.
A quick google reveals he is Dean O'Gorman, who will grow up to be Fíli in The Hobbit/mega babe IRL.
Floppy-Haired Timothy is enjoying his questionable victory until Mean Guy™ seizes his chance for revenge, and stuffs him in a locker.
Floppy-Haired Timothy is all stressed out until he discovers he's actually in the girl's changing rooms, because he's also kinda Creepy Timothy.
Unfortunately for Creepy Timothy/fortunately for the girls in the room, he's discovered pretty quickly.
And the girls get their own vengeance.
Instead of suspending Creepy Timothy, the principal mentions the school needs a volunteer to host a French Canadian exchange student named Michel Dubois.
Nothing smudgy or weird about that "Michel" at all.
Naturally Creepy Timothy's Dad volunteers immediately and comes up with a plan.
Creepy Timothy turns into Whiney Timothy, because he has to change his bedroom and also because French Canadians are apparently an alien species.
Whiney Timothy's long-haired mate tries to comfort him by naming awesome French things, but gets a bit confused.
Whiney Timothy begrudgingly goes to pick up Michel at the airport, and SURPRISE!
Cue Thirsty Timothy.
Unfortunately for Thirsty Timothy, Michelle-Not-Michel is not happy to be in New Zealand.
Thirsty Timothy tries to make her "feel at home" by knocking on her bedroom door in his Noddy pjs and reminding her he's ~just in the next bedroom~.
Michelle-Not-Michel is not having a bar of it.
Thirsty Timothy goes star-gazing on his own instead, because apparently there's more to him than his thirst. Just.
To be fair, basically every guy turns into a drooling animal around Michelle-Not-Michel.
But then the girls get their chance to drool, too.
Meanwhile, Michelle-Not-Michel finds out about Thirsty Timothy's creepy past and she checks her room for peepholes and then tells him to bugger off.
Thirsty Timothy responds in a NOT CREEPY AT ALL way by snooping in her room when she's not around.
Michelle-Not-Michel is understandably outraged, and slams the door in Creepy/Thirsty Timothy's face for about the 10th time.
Creepy/Thirsty Timothy responds to THIS by piecing together AND TRANSLATING a letter Michelle-Not-Michel wrote, that he found in the trash.
He decides that the fact Michelle-Not-Michel is pining for her French Canadian ex-boyfriend means he's in with the chance.
Unfortunately for Creepy/Thirsty Timothy, Mean Guy™ has already swooped in - although Michelle-Not-Michel is not exactly impressed with him.
Thirsty Timothy decides if he was more ~French~, Michelle-Not-Michel would be into him.
Michelle-Not-Michelle tells him to "be himself" because lol:
Cue Ranty Timothy.
All of a sudden we're thrown into Michelle-Not-Michel's P.O.V. via a ~video~ she's going to send to her parents.
It's full of #truthbombs.
Then some sportsball stuff happens which turns Timothy ("just being himself") into Michelle-Not-Michel's hero.
And Creepy Timothy kind of runs with it.
Unfortunately for Creepy Timothy ONCE AGAIN, Mean Guy™ has already asked Michelle-Not-Michel to the big party. Creepy Timothy responds by outfit shaming her and then hiding outside of the party to spy.
Creepy Timothy living up to his name.