The "Avengers: Infinity War" Guys, Ranked By Thirst

    Can you guess which Chris came out on top? Warning: This post contains spoilers.

    by
    Jenna Guillaume
    by Jenna Guillaume

    Editor-at-Large, BuzzFeed Australia

    ,
    Crystal Ro
    by Crystal Ro

    BuzzFeed Staff

    Crystal Ro / BuzzFeed / Marvel

    26. Ebony Maw

    Marvel

    Crystal: Can you even imagine trying to kiss that mouth? It’d be all like slimy I bet. NAH. Hard pass. 0/10

    Jenna: He looks SUPER slimy on every level. No thank you. 0/10

    Thirst level: 0/10

    25. Red Skull

    Marvel

    Crystal: First of all, he has a skull face. And second of all, he has a skull face. Did I mention he has a skull face? 0/10

    Jenna: Nopety nope nope nope. *shudders* 0/10

    Thirst level: 0/10

    24. Thaddeus Ross

    Marvel

    Crystal: Way too old. Also, he seems like a jerk? Not here for any of it. 0/10

    Jenna: Betty is the only Ross I care about. BRING HER BACK. 1/10


    Thirst level:     .5/10

    23. Corvus Glaive

    Marvel

    Crystal: I mean, if I HAD to choose one of Thanos’ children, I guess I’d say Corvus? He’s tall and clearly has some athletic abilities, which probably translate in bed? OMG, why am I even thinking like this. 1/10

    Jenna: He’s not the most repulsive member of the Black Order…but that ain’t saying much. .5/10

    Thirst level: .75/10

    22. Cull Obsidian

    Marvel

    Crystal: He's clearly "in shape," but honestly? Not really into the whole giant rock-lizard look of this guy. Also? He'd probably crush me, so like, yeah...no thanks. 1/10

    Jenna: He’s BUILT, but nasty (and not in a good way). Naaaah. 1/10

    Thirst level: 1/10

    21. Rocket

    Marvel

    Crystal: Lol, look, I’ve rated animated lions and deer before, so why the hell not? I weirdly love Rocket, but he’s also a raccoon? So, like, ew no?! 1/10

    Jenna: I wasn’t sure about including Rocket, but we may as well go the whole hog. Or rabbit, I should say. Anyway, Rocket is great value but also still very much an animal. I will pass. 1/10

    Thirst level: 1/10

    20. Eitri

    Marvel

    Crystal: Too moody, plus he’d probably crush me just by shaking my hand (or attempting to?) alone?! The whole thing just feels...weird. 2/10

    Jenna: Love Peter Dinklage, but Eitri is ginormous and there is no way this would physically work. 2/10

    Thirst level: 2/10

    19. The Collector

    Marvel

    Crystal: I mean, he’s not BAD looking (this is Benecio, after all), but there’s something about the weird combination of Billy Idol hair and overly eccentric personality that is a turn off for me. It just doesn’t work. 2/10

    Jenna: Not interested in him, his hoarding habits, or his bad dye job. He gives me baaad vibes. 2/10

    Thirst level: 2/10

    18. Thanos

    Marvel

    Crystal: I know there are SOME PEOPLE who find Thanos thicc, but please stop. The weird testicle chin and overall evilness are just plain unacceptable. He has good arms, but beyond that. NAH. 1/10

    Jenna: My gut reaction was HELL FUCKING NO. But then I stopped and checked for...other...reactions. And look, maybe I see it. Maybe. JUST A LITTLE BIT. 3/10

    Thirst level: 2/10

    17. Drax

    Marvel

    Crystal: So, I have that thing where patterns/holes creep me out, and there’s no way I could get over his raised tattoos! Also, his laugh might annoy the shit out of me?! And he’s pretty rude?! Oh, man, IDK…love Drax as a friend, but not as a lover. 2/10

    Jenna: I love Drax. He’s SO funny. I’d love to get together with him and talk about pirate angel Thor’s magnificent, rippling muscles for hours. Would I want to bang him? I mean…possibly? I have several questions about his sensitive nipples, and I wouldn’t be above field research. 4/10

    Thirst level: 3/10

    16. Wong

    Marvel

    Crystal: Wong is adorable, smart, and has MAGICAL POWERS, but the guy is WAY TOO SERIOUS. I need a little more humour in my life. Although points for some excellent choice in music (ahem, Beyoncé). 5/10

    Jenna: Wong is the most appealing part of any Doctor Strange-related plot tbh. But he seems kind of married to his job. Do those wizards even have sex? 3/10

    Thirst level: 4/10

    15. James Rhodes

    Marvel

    Crystal: I feel like I know the least about War Machine (I didn’t see Iron Man 2 or 3, don’t @ me), so now I’m just basing this on the very little I’ve seen of him in like Civil War and Infinity War?! The guy is cute and smart and has a fun suit (without the added Tony Stark arrogance), so that definitely gets him points. 5/10

    Jenna: I really like Rhodey and enjoy his friendship with Tony. But he doesn’t make me thirsty. He would be fun to get a drink with, though. 3/10

    Thirst level: 4/10

    14. Doctor Strange

    Marvel

    Crystal: Doctor Strange seems like he’d be kind of annoying? Like, can you imagine going on a date with him and he spends half the time just trying to foresee all the possible outcomes of the date, and which one would lead to him getting laid? IDK! That being said, I do find him kind of attractive, so…it’s not a total loss? 7/10

    Jenna: I'm sorry, but I don’t have much time for Doctor Strange. At all. He’s got the arrogance and ridiculous facial hair of Tony Stark, but with none of the charm. It doesn’t help that I find his outfit ridiculous, and his movie incredibly boring. He was tolerable in Infinity War, but I don't know, I'm not a fan. 1/10

    Thirst level: 4/10

    13. Nick Fury

    Marvel

    Crystal: He’s a bit too old for my taste, but I could get behind some Nick Fury action. 5/10

    Jenna: I’m very curious to see a younger Fury in Captain Marvel. I don't want to bang him, but I do wanna hang out with him. 3.5/10

    Thirst level: 4.25/10

    12. Tony Stark

    Marvel

    Crystal: Look, I get that Iron Man is the one that kicked off the MCU, and for that I applaud him, but grading on a scale of 1 to please-stop-wearing-bootcut-jeans...meh? Tony Stark has a lot of fun gadgets and a kick-ass house, but I’m just not attracted to him?! 3/10

    Jenna: Robert Downey Jr is an attractive man, and he’s GREAT as Tony Stark. But do I want to fuck Tony Stark? Ehhhh. There’s some pretty tough competition here (SO MANY CHRISES!), so he’s not high on my Avengers To Fuck list. 5.5/10

    Thirst level: 4.25/10

    11. Vision

    Marvel

    Crystal: I feel like on paper Vision should be attractive but like...nah. I just can’t take that cape seriously! Although, given that he is kind of a robot (or used to be, IDK, I’m kind of confused about what Vision really is) he probably has a lot of great ~insight~ into pleasures of the flesh. So, that’s good? 6/10

    Jenna: I’m pretty ambivalent about Vision. Like, I don’t love him and I don’t dislike him. I’m mildly invested in his relationship with Wanda, but I wouldn’t miss that plotline if it went away. Still, I feel like he’d be an ~attentive~ partner. 4.5/10

    Thirst level: 5.25/10

    10. Bruce Banner

    Marvel

    Crystal: Like, he’s fine. But in all honesty, Bruce Banner is boring and I’d rather not hook up with the Hulk because I’m quite happy having my vagina intact thank you very much. 4/10

    Jenna: Mark Ruffalo is sexy (I have a lot of Feelings about his chest hair), and he brings a sweetness to Banner that is VERY appealing. But like, can Banner actually fuck? I know we mostly ignore The Incredible Hulk but there was a whole plot point in that about how he can’t (lmao). He has grown and evolved since then, of course, so maybe it’s under control. Still, the whole Hulk thing would present a challenge. 7.5/10

    Thirst level: 5.75/10

    9. Loki

    Marvel

    Crystal: I know I’m not alone when I say Loki is weirdly very attractive. IDK, maybe it’s not weird? Sure, he’s a “BAD GUY” (whatever), but the boy has got looks that could kill. Also, REALLY into the long dark hair — he’s basically every ‘00s emo girl’s dream. 9/10

    Jenna: See, I feel weird because I’m NOT attracted to him and everyone else seems to be. I mean, I think Tom Hiddleston is incredibly handsome in real life, and I could watch him bite his lip all day. But as Loki I find him almost...repulsive? Like, the dark hair and brows do not suit him IMHO. Especially since I can’t unsee that Tommy Wiseau meme. 3.5/10

    Thirst level: 6.25

    8. Sam Wilson

    Marvel

    Crystal: I feel like I would need to see more shirtless Falcon to judge this properly. I mean, he’s cute and funny, which is always a winning combo. Also, I’m pretty sure out of all the Avengers, he’d be the one your parents would actually approve of, ya know? 7/10

    Jenna: Sam is pretty hot, he’s brave, and he’s a great friend. Sure, he hasn’t got the speed or stamina of Cap, but he’s not bad for a regular human. 7/10

    Thirst level: 7/10

    7. M'Baku

    Marvel

    Crystal: The only actually thicc character in MCU. I didn’t come up with the phrase, but that’s not going to stop me from using it: “More like YUM’BAKU, amirite?” 9/10

    Jenna: MmmMMMMmmm’Baku. A fierce warrior, a great leader, a sexy guy. Here for this. 8/10

    Thirst level: 8.5/10

    6. Peter Quill

    Marvel

    Crystal: I love Peter so much, it’s not even funny. He may not be as “muscle-y” as Thor or Cap, but the guy still looks incredible without a shirt. And he is CLEARLY the funniest and most clever character in the MCU, so I’d be down to ride his ~ship~ anyday. 10/10

    Jenna: Look, I’m a little angry with Peter after Infinity War, which has knocked him down the teensiest notch for me. But I still enjoy him, overall. He could be the Sam to my Diane, for sure. 7/10

    Thirst level: 8.5/10

    5. T'Challa

    Marvel

    Crystal: T’Challa is a near-perfect human being...he’s smart, has ridiculously good looks, and, ya know, is a literal KING?! His only fault is that he’s kind of boring? Sorry, but like, Killmonger was WAY more interesting imo. All that said, I doubt there’s anyone who could wear a skin-tight nanotech suit quite as magnificently as he does. 8.5/10

    Jenna: T’Challa is beautiful, sexy, and smart. I love his quiet confidence. And not many people could pull off that suit, but he totally does. I’d like to get my claws into him (or let him get his claws into me???). 8.5/10

    Thirst level: 8.5/10

    4. Bucky Barnes

    Marvel

    Crystal: You know, I didn’t think Bucky was that hot in The First Avenger, but when he came back in Winter Soldier with that emo AF makeover I was like, “OH. OKAY. I get it, I see this.” WTF is it with long, dark hair and a smokey eye that makes a dude hot?! Bonus: you know he could work some pretty AMAZING magic with that super-strong arm of his. 9/10

    Jenna: World War II Bucky? Yes. Winter Soldier Bucky? Hell yes. White Wolf Bucky? Yes, yes, yes. Just yes. 8.5/10

    Thirst level: 8.75/10

    3. Heimdall

    Marvel

    Crystal: Oh, I am definitely here for some Heimdall…HEIMDALL OVER THAT! Anytime, anywhere. My one teeny, tiny complaint would be that he seems like the kind of dude that would put work before anything else. Like, ya know, our PASSIONATE LOVE AFFAIR. 9.5/10

    Jenna: Maybe it’s the giant sword, maybe it’s those all-seeing eyes, maybe it’s just Idris Fucking Elba, but whatever it is, Heimdall is one sexy-ass guardian. He could pierce all nine of my realms, if ya know what I mean. 9/10

    Thirst level: 9.25/10

    2. Steve Rogers

    Marvel

    Crystal: This centenarian is pure fire. He may be a 100-year-old virgin, but I’d happily help him remedy that STAT. If Cap has one flaw, though (huge emphasis on IF), it’s that he’s TOO perfect. *Remembers shirtless scene in The First Avenger* I’m sorry, did I say he has a flaw? I was wrong. 9.9/10

    Jenna: Listen, I love Steve Rogers with my whole soul. He is pure and good and really fucking hot. He’s always been a snack, but now that he has a beard and longer hair he is a goddamn 10-course meal. Like, I just want him to take his giant Dorito of a body and freaking crush me with it. And then cuddle me afterwards and whisper sweet nothings into my ear while I nestle in his soft, soft beard. 10/10

    Thirst level: 9.95/10

    1. Thor

    Marvel

    Crystal: Let me just start by saying I have eyes and they work. Thus, I can say without doubt that Thor is fucking hot. The god of thunder could take me down under ANY. DAMN. DAY. Oh, and Thor is funny AF (even if he doesn’t mean to be). This is literally the perfect combination. 10/10

    Jenna: I was never into Chris Hemsworth until he started playing Thor. Which is a good indication of just how hot I find Thor, because some might say I’m a bit obsessed with Hemsworth now. AND HE’S ONLY GOTTEN HOTTER WITH EACH MOVIE! He can ragna my rok ANY TIME. Preferably all the time. Forever. 10/10

    Thirst level: 10/10