1. HERE WE GO. Hopefully this ends better than last season. *cough* Blake *cough*
2. "One man and 19 beautiful women will begin the adventure of a LIFETIME." –A completely normal phrase everyone loves to hear
3. Oh heeeey new Bachelor.
4. The preview of the coming season looks dramatic AF.
5. The house looks dreeeeamy. Candles and flowers and fairy lights, oh my!
6. Aaaand 30 seconds in and we've got our first abs shot. HERE FOR IT.
7. Those promo photos did not do this guy justice at all tbh.
8. This whole shirtless montage is A+.
9. Whoever filmed that slow-motion shower shot is a goddamn artist.
10. OMG THE BACHELOR HAS A DOG. Be still my heart.
11. OF COURSE he works with kids. And is passionate about their health and fitness. AND he wants them himself.
12. They've nailed it with this guy tbh.
13. Oh, he's from Tasmania. Well, nobody's perfect.
14. Aw his family is adorable.
15. Another slo-mo abs shot.
16. The producers know what we want.
17. Abs. It's abs.
18. It's not a true episode without the Bachelor looking longingly out to the beach, imagining his future good-looking spouse and their future good-looking babies.
19. First impression: He actually seems like a DECENT HUMAN BEING, unlike old mate Blake Garvey.
20. Like his voice doesn't sound monotonous so that's definitely something.
21. Was Sam a former stripper though?? Aren't most of them?
22. I'm so distracted by his hot pink scoop neck, I have no idea what he actually just said.
23. YAAASS OSHER! Everyone's favourite wingman.
24. It's nice to see Osher's hair on my TV again. There's something hypnotic about it.
25. Osher is so damn cheery though. Like he's just so excited to be back in that fairy-tale house, helping to bring together one man and the 19 women he's going to date at once.
27. Here come the intro clips for the ladies!
28. The first girl, Nina, is a wedding planner who desperately wants a wedding of her own. Of course.
29. Next up we have Sarah the event planner, aka the token smart blonde rocking glasses.
30. OMG. SHE HAD A DREAM ABOUT HER CONNECTION WITH THE BACHELOR. SHE FEELS CONNECTED TO HIM BECAUSE SHE DREAMT ABOUT IT. I AM DEAD.
31. I dreamt I was relaxing in the Greek Islands last night but unfortunately I wasn't connected enough to turn it into reality.
32. Sandra is a P.E. teacher, which conveniently complements the Bachelor's career.
33. She's definitely a "woo" girl.
34. Like the one that yells out "WOOOOOOO!!!" every time something mildly excites her.
35. "Females find me very intimidating." Oh here we go.
36. Like, I know the whole premise of this show is pitting women against each other, but COME ON.
37. I feel so conflicted about the whole thing tbh.
38. Like, it's wrong.
39. But so damn entertaining.
40. My problematic fave.
41. Meanwhile, Sandra says she "can't tone it down". Should we take bets on how long it will take before she's pissing all the other girls off?
42. A week? A day? An hour? A minute?
43. Heather is an aspiring filmmaker who sounds a bit skeptical about the whole thing and is also wearing a '90s choker. I love her already.
44. Ohh she's doing yoga to show off how ~flexible~ she is. Ahem.
45. And we're back to the Bach. He looks very dashing in that suit.
46. "G'day mate." The voice doesn't match the suit and it's somehow more endearing.
47. "You're the luckiest guy in Australia," says Osher. Sure, Jan.
48. Awww Bach seems really nervous. I love him.
49. HE IS ACTUALLY SO HANDSOME?!
50. He has a very nice smile.
51. Actually has anyone else noticed Osher and Sam have MATCHING SMILES?! I cannot stop staring at their teeth.
52. I wonder what whitening products they use.
53. Bach just said the kids he works with call him Woody. WOODY?!
54. "Like the Toy Story character." Oh my.
55. "Go for it, Woody!" Life advice from kids is the best.
56. And now it's finally time for Woody to meet the girls.
57. GO. FOR. IT. WOODY.
58. First limo pulls up to the rose-petal-covered driveway. Totally normal, nothing to see here.
59. Forget the Bachelor, that beautiful house gives me heart-eye emojis.
60. OMG HER DRESS. IT'S GORGEOUS.
61. SHE is gorgeous.
62. Woody is giddy.
63. Wait what was her name again?
64. Woody looks confused too.
65. "Snezana. Say it like parmigiana." Just a little name banter for ya on a Wednesday night.
66. Well that was a nice first encounter. The way he looked back at her was really sweet.
67. Hold your horses, Woody, this is only the first girl.
68. Lol she forgot to ask his name.
69. NBD Parmie. I'm sure you can ask one of the other 18 girls he's dating.
70. Sarah the smart blonde is here and she's wearing a white dress. Subliminal bridal messages?
71. Oh Woody is into it.
72. He just asked her to spin.
73. Ugh Woody no.
74. Oh now she asked him to spin. I am more into that.
75. This is such awkward banter.
76. Woody is also into this British vet's hot pink dress.
77. Is he just trying to make conversation or is he really that into dresses?
78. Oh god. She's talking about anal glands.
79. "Does he need his anal glands doing?" This is exactly how you should pick someone up.
80. OMG Woody's face. Same, Woody. Same.
81. MAKE IT STOP.
82. STOP TALKING ABOUT ANAL GLANDS.
83. STOP IT NOW.
84. "I got verbal diarrhea" literally tho.
85. ANAL GLANDS. GIRL NO.
86. This Rachel girl in the blue dress is literally doing party tricks. She's making a balloon rose which is kinda clever but also I don't think they've actually exchanged any words.
87. He just said she impressed him the most, how polite.
88. This girl is talking in another language to Woody and he just got that look on his face when you're like, "I still didn't quite catch what you said but I've already asked you to repeat it twice so now I'm just going to smile and nod and hope that's the right response."
89. She just said she'll be his TURKISH DELIGHT and I can't even with this.
90. "Look at that dress!" He really, really loves the dresses.
91. Oh we're really zooming through the girls now so I guess these ones aren't as important for the ~plot~.
92. Heather rocks up in a sparkly dress and she looks goddamn BEAUTIFUL.
93. "Look at that dress." Woody approves, except he's also said that to literally every other girl.
94. "You're so unattractive." Yes that's a great way to show someone you're attracted to them. Are we in year 7 again?
95. "Can I call you dude?" This is not relationship goals, Heather.
96. She's obsessing over the house. She knows he doesn't own it…right?
97. "I wanna find someone I can be friends with…really good friends." Like how Louis Tomlinson and his alleged baby mama are ~really good friends~?
98. Jacinda is wearing a bright orange dress, sitting in the limo talking to herself. I love her already.
99. She brought a polaroid to take an old-school selfie, girl's got moves.
100. SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE.
101. She kissed it omg.
102. "Our first kiss." Wow Woody. Go in son.
103. He's into the fact that she's a "children's entertainer."
104. Wait until he hears about the P.E. teacher.
105. OMG SHE JUST TOOK A PHOTO OF HIS BUTT.
106. Now she's flashing it around.
107. The other girls are into it.
108. Same tbh.
110. Speeding through more girls.
111. This girl "made" a cupcake and OH WOW HE'S REALLY EATING IT.
112. Now he's trying to get her to take a bite and like lol as if she'll want to mess up her makeup on camera rn.
113. Next girl brought beers. ANOTHER COOL GIRL.
114. She made a "big impression". IN YOUR PANTS MAYBE.
116. Sorry not sorry.
117. Here comes Zilda, all dressed in white. This bridal message isn't even subliminal this time, she literally just said, "it's not a wedding dress… [but] maybe a glimpse into the future."
118. And that music. DROP DAT BEAT.
119. The person who organised the music for this show deserves an aria or something.
120. Jaysus she's already asking him about kids and they met 30 seconds ago.
121. "HELLO MR BACHELOR." Oh it's Sandra, Miss "Girls Find Me Intimidating".
122. How much has she been drinking?
123. "We're S&S… that just goes… We have so much in common!"
124. I mean… Not that much?
125. "I don't want to get ahead of myself…but could this actually be the love of my life?" *Maniacal laughter*.
126. Oh boy.
127. Now she's just screaming at the other girls about partying.
128. "Flamboyan— no… annoying." Lol Parmie corrected herself to be LESS nice about Sandra.
129. And she nailed it tbh.
130. Though the best thing about being on The Bachelor would be all the champagne you get to drink, lbr. So Sandra's doing something right.
131. Oh that is some fairy-tale music going on as Emily walks in.
132. The show loves her already.
133. "What an entrance." So does Woody, apparently.
134. At least he didn't say "look at that dress."
135. "They saved the best until last." Rude, Woody.
136. He just ~subtly~ tried to touch her hand. He is very into her.
137. "She really really made an impression." IN YOUR PANTS.
139. Not sorry.
140. OK a little bit sorry.
141. CUE DRAMA.
142. Sandra is bitching already, calling Zilda "Miss Pamela Anderson". Lordt.
143. THE RETURN OF THE WHITE ROSE DUN DUN DUNNN.
144. It'll go to the lady who left the best impression on ol' Woody – I call Emily.
145. The white rose GIVES THE WOMAN THE POWER OVER THE BACHELOR. The girls get to ask HIM on a date for the first time ever because this show exists in an alternate universe where it's still 1957.
146. These ladies are all so goddamn beautiful. I'd be intimidated too, Woody.
147. OMG this girl burned her dress on one of the 197 thousand candles scattered around the house. I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner.
148. Woody just nicknamed Jacinda a hurricane which is not all that flattering tbh.
149. I love the other girls just sitting 10 metres away, analysing their body language.
151. And Sandra is bitching about Zilda again. She is out of control already.
152. "If you don't gossip then you're clearly not a woman." WHOA WHOA WHOA SANDRA NO.
153. SIT DOWN SANDRA.
154. Reshael is NOT here for it. She is staying very poised.
155. "I like everyone." Team Reshael tbh.
156. 10/10 do not trust Sandra.
157. Is Heather a fan of The Secret?
158. Apparently it's working for her.
159. "She's already put her foot her in the mouth…and I love it." Aw Woody you're cute.
160. But this is so awkward.
161. "I grew into my head." Dat banter.
162. OOOH he's touching her knee. ~BODY LANGUAGE~.
163. "I used to make He-Man and Barbie make out." Oh dude. We all did that.
164. OMG Sandra was bitching about Zilda to Reshael, now she's trying to bitch about Reshael to Zildal?!
165. Zilda is not here for it either. Go Zilda.
166. Now Sandra wants to talk about it in front of the whole group. WHAT A MESS!
167. This is like high school but set in a mansion, with lots of alcohol and candles.
168. Sandra, honey, Reshael did not make you out to be terrible, you did that all on your own.
169. Sandra has been watching too much Ja'mie King.
170. Whoever did the editing on this and juxtaposed Woody talking about paradise while Sandra goes in on Reshael deserves a million gold stars.
171. Jacinda's back there eating her popcorn aka is all of us.
172. "I'm just the bigger person." SANDRA IS ACTUALLY A PARODY OF HERSELF.
173. Yaass Parmie and Woody getting some one-on-one time.
174. "I'm quite fond of parmigiana." PARMIE IS IN.
175. Who isn't fond of parmigiana tbh.
176. "I can't believe I'm not a dad already." That's the sound of ovaries around Australia exploding.
177. Oh Parmie is the ~HOT MOM~, as Unreal would say.
178. Which makes me uncomfortable in light of what happened on Unreal.
179. I will never watch The Bachelor in the same way again thanks to that show tbh.
180. Oh god the British woman is still talking about anal glands!
181. "For me talking about anal glands is completely normal." Clearly.
183. Tessa isn't comfortable in what she's wearing awww.
184. It really is so weird they're all dressed the same way.
185. Like is this to put them on an even playing field so he has to choose based only on their personalities?
186. Because they literally all look the same.
187. "It's not about the dress," says Woody, who actually said "look at that dress!" to every girl.
188. Oh no. She's doing yoga.
189. YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN YOUR DRESS.
190. Oh c'mon like this fit healthy guy has never done a downward dog before.
191. Welp, apparently he was impressed, because he's gone to get a rose.
192. Just a red one tho.
193. "Well we suck." Aw these girls. Clearly need to practice more sun salutations.
194. OMG TESSA. Statement alert.
195. Little does she know HE LOVES THE DRESSES.
196. Her look is still more impressive than my "comfy" clothes tbh – tracksuit pants and a food-stained shirt.
197. Bec is so confused. "Why is she cutting in on and me and WHY IS SHE DRESSED IN CASUAL CLOTHES."
198. Crimes against fashun.
199. Lmao now Sandra is trying to say she's shy. Honestly. Gurl, you playin'.
200. OMG HE'S GONE TO GET THE WHITE ROSE.
201. Is that the Jurassic Park theme?
202. YAAASS WHITE ROSE FOR HEATHER. QUEEEN.
203. "Since I met you…a few short hours ago."
204. I do like her ~realness~ so far. Never change, Heather.
205. What does Osher do when the cocktail party is happening? Just chill by himself in the basement?
206. He needs a goddamn Logie for basically keeping the best straight face in the history of television.
207. First rose!!
208. Sam takes a deep, dramatic breath as he tries to remember Parmie's actual name.
209. NAILED IT SAM!
210. TBH they should cull ALL the dramatic music and play Destiny Child's "Say My Name" during the ceremony.
211. Will liven the party right up.
212. Nina got through, yaaass I like her!
213. And Jacinda!
214. ANAL GLANDS!
215. Yaaass Resheal. Yaaass.
216. OK we're down to three and I really feel like that girl in the middle we have not even seen until now.
217. Apparently her name is Jessica.
218. Bye Jessica.
219. Bye Zilda.
221. Obviously Sandra has to stay on for a little longer for the ~drama~.
222. I'm not complaining tbh.
223. I'm already hooked.