American Pie came out in 1999, when I was 13 years old. In other words, I was the exact right age for it. I was just beginning to understand sex and puberty, and I found anything that seemed ~naughty~ both thrilling and hilarious. Watching American Pie made me feel incredibly cool and grown up. It was one of my favourite movies.
Until now, I had not revisited it as an adult. Unlike other movies I've recently been rewatching, I've deliberately avoided it: I remembered the plot, and was pretty disgusted with it in hindsight. But, since I've committed to revisiting all of the movies I was obsessed with as a teen, American Pie had to make the cut. Here's how the experience of rewatching it went down...
1. Wow it’s actually opening with porno music.
2. And sex sounds.
3. Oh that’s right, Jim (Jason Biggs) is masturbating into a sock.
4. Lol the days before internet porn.
5. I remember cackling at this.
6. (Not gonna lie, I am laughing now.)
7. “If there’s any channel that should be illegal it’s that all-women’s channel.” Oz (Chris Klein), pal, buddy, friend: no. Just no.
8. I can’t blame them for lusting after Ariel in The Little Mermaid. I still have it bad for Prince Eric.
9. Omg Vicky’s (Tara Reid) butterfly tee is giving me major fashion flashbacks.
10. I always thought Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) was so cute. Now I mostly associate him with that Handbook For Mortals mess.
11. Oh yeah, Natasha Lyonne is in this! Her character, Jessica, is the best thing about this movie tbh.
12. Alyson Hannigan is quite funny in this role.
13. “It’s not a space shuttle launch. It’s sex.” I love Jessica so much.
14. Finch! Whatever happened to Eddie Kaye Thomas, the guy who played him?
15. Finch is such a coffee wanker.
16. Uggh Stifler ugggh.
17. Jim has the exact same haircut as Ross from Friends. Not a good look, even in the ‘90s.
18. To this day I’m still confused about the "bases". Maybe because Australia doesn’t really do baseball? But also, different movies/TV shows seem to have different definitions of what each "base" means.
19. Like in this…third base is fingering? But I swear in others it's like, oral sex? Idk.
20. I used to have Oz saying “like a warm apple pie” as my ringtone. Gawd.
21. “It’s been ONE WEEK.” This song was in every ‘90s movie, I swear.
22. There's Nadia (Shannon Elizabeth)! I’m mad already about what happens to her.
23. Nice bucket hat, Jessica.
24. THE SHERMANATOR!
25. I can’t believe they’re abusing “At Last” like this.
26. I think we’re supposed to sympathise with Jim here, but really I just feel for the girls he’s bothering.
27. Oz trying to smooth talk this college girl is making me cringe so hard.
28. Her mercilessly laughing at him and mocking him – especially when he says “suck me beautiful” – is the most relatable part of this whole movie.
29. OMG THE BEER! I JUST REMEMBERED WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE BEER!
30. Eek Stifler is eating this poor girl’s face.
31. He is the WORST.
32. I’m both cackling and trying not to vomit at him drinking that beer.
33. I like laughing at Stifler’s pain.
34. “You’ve never double clicked your mouse?” Once again, I love Jessica.
35. JOHN CHO! I FORGOT HE WAS THE MILF GUY. OMG.
36. “Enough of this blow job bullshit. I gotta get laid already.” Kevin apparently wants to compete with Stifler for title of The Worst.
37. “Vicky, wait.” “Not for you.” GO VICKY.
38. “I put in months of quality time…” Fuck this guy.
39. “How am I supposed to become this Mr Sensitive man?” Fuck all of these guys.
40. There were so many pacts in movies in the ‘90s.
41. “No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused. We will fight for every man out there who isn’t getting laid and should be. This is our day. This is our time…we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy. We will make a stand. We will succeed. We will get laid!” Holy shit, these guys are actually incels.
42. “It’s gotta be valid, consensual sex.” Ugh, glad they clarified that.
43. Finch…is actually pretty cute?
44. “PARANOIA, PARANOIA, EVERYONE’S COMING TO GET ME.” This song was ALSO in every ‘90s movie.
45. Jim’s webcam selfie is giving me flashbacks. What a time.
46. JESSICA WHAT ARE YOU DOING DON’T TELL KEVIN HOW TO MANIPULATE VICKY INTO BED.
47. Kevin acts like “orgasm” is a foreign word, which tells you a lot about his character.
48. How has Vicky been giving him blow jobs all this time and he’s never once gone down on her? I mean, wow.
49. Baby Mena Suvari! She looks SO young here.
50. “I can work the sensitive angle...all that you gotta do is just ask ‘em questions and listen to what they say and shit.” “I dunno man, that sounds like a lot of work.” These fucking guys.
51. Did anyway actually have this plaid wallpaper in the ‘90s? Because I never saw it in real life, but it’s in, like, every teenage boy’s room in movies and TV shows.
52. Eugene Levy is very good in this. The awkward porn conversation is so cringe-worthy, but in an intentional way.
53. I wish they would stop saying “cli-toris”.
54. Finch not wanting to use the toilets at school is pretty relatable.
55. Casey Affleck is Kevin’s older brother. Ugh, of course.
56. That flip phone though.
57. Omg John Cho is in the choir, too.
58. “Scoobi doo-bop” came from your heart? Really, my guy?
59. Lacrosse is such a thing in teen movies and TV shows. Is it a really big sport in America?
60. Chris Klein has such dreamy eyes, ngl.
61. Oh shit the pie.
62. Setting aside the questionable circumstances of trying to fuck a pie at all: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS IN THE KITCHEN, DUDE?! AT LEAST TAKE IT BACK TO YOUR ROOM.
63. The “after” shot of the pie is so gross.
64. “We’ll just tell your mother that…we ate it all.” Hahaha.
65. Sweater sets were such a thing in the ‘90s.
66. I like that Heather (Mena Suvari) is the one asking Oz to prom.
67. This “I’m coming” bit does not really work. Like, how dense is that dad?!
68. I thought it was hilarious as a 13-year-old, though.
69. “She’s probably gonna wanna do it soon.” These fucking guys.
70. What even is Nadia’s accent supposed to be?
71. “You are just a jock. Wait, no, you’re a jerk.” That is not clever as they think it is.
72. I hate the webcam plot, but it’s kind of funny to see the state of ~high tech internet~ in 1999.
73. “If you don’t have the guts to photograph a naked chick in your house, how are you ever going to sleep with one?” Wut.
74. Chris Klein is SO good at the puppy dog eyes.
75. Was he the first instance of the “jock-who-secretly-loves-music-and-must-choose-between-sport-and-singing” trope?
76. Uggggggh. I don’t think I can watch this whole webcam sequence. It makes me way too angry.
77. Broadcasting a girl getting changed on the internet, without her consent? So fucked up. NO THANK YOU.
78. Sigh, I do like this Blink 182 song though.
79. This is so gross
80. “God bless the internet.” Man, I loved that line at the time. Smdh.
81. Okay, putting aside the TOTAL RAPINESS for a moment: it makes no logical sense that this girl would just hang around a near-stranger’s room without her clothes on, and then start randomly masturbating on his bed.
82. It’s purely for the male gaze and it’s one of the many, many things wrong with this storyline.
83. I’m so mad.
84. When I was a teen all I cared about was that Blink 182 had a cameo.
85. “Go trig boy, it’s ya birthday.” Another line I found HILARIOUS at the time.
86. Nadia is way more into those magazines than she is into Jim.
87. And THAT is how I learned about premature ejaculation.
88. Did this scene get pushback when it was release? It would be met with so much outrage now.
89. Why is this SO LONG.
90. IT’S STILL GOING.
91. I mean, at least Jim is the laughing stock at school, rather than Nadia, I guess.
92. Oh right, that’s because she was SHIPPED AWAY. I take it back. I hate this.
93. “And one time, at band camp.” My friends and I used to quote that so much.
94. Ugh, don’t act like Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) is below you, Jim.
95. I do like how Oz and Heather actually talk and bond about their fears for the future.
96. This shower scene, with Oz singing to all his jock buddies, makes me laugh, but I don’t think it was meant to.
97. Yay casual homophobia.
98. This diarrhoea bit is also making me laugh, and it was actually meant to.
99. I guess you never truly grow out of toilet humour.
100. Eddie Kaye Thomas is acting the hell out of this scene.
101. Vicky is talking about love and all Kevin can think about is sex. Of course.
102. Look, this Oz and Heather storyline is quite sweet. I would enjoy a whole movie about just them, without the sexist subplots. And with slightly less douchiness from Oz at the beginning.
103. “And yeah he always talks about sex. But that’s coz he’s a guy right?” No, it’s because Kevin is an asshole.
104. Vicky, really? Is the middle of class the best time to discuss your sex life?
105. Obligatory prom shopping montage!
106. Jim can barely remember Michelle’s name. This fucking guy.
107. What the fuck is that prom singer’s hat?
108. He is absolutely butchering “Don’t You Forget About Me”. Rude.
109. Finally, the other guys are pushing back against Kevin’s misogynistic sex competition bullshit.
110. I’ve said it many times, but I really do love Jessica.
111. Why is Kevin so sad, just because his friends don’t want to take part in his deflowering contest? He sucks.
112. I love Heather’s prom look.
113. “Fuckers! Fuckers!” Another line that I used to quote a lot. 13-year-old me had, well, a 13-year-old's sense of humour.
114. “I feel like I’ve already won.” That is corny but also CUTE.
115. Wow, Stifler’s mom is even creepier in hindsight.
116. He’s 18, lady! Technically an adult, but still very much a TEENAGER.
117. It’s taking me so long to get through this movie because I keep pausing it to distract myself. It’s pretty painful.
118. I’m mad that every time I hear “Sway” by Bic Runga, I think of American Pie. Because I love that song and I do not love this movie (even if I once did).
119. It does have a great soundtrack, though.
120. Kevin did not even attempt any foreplay, did he.
121. I like that Michelle owns her sexuality and is in control. But I kind of hate that Jim only really became interested in her when sex was on the table.
122. Don’t double bag it! That is how condoms break!
123. Once again, Oz and Heather are quite sweet and lovely.
124. “Whats my name?! Say my name, bitch!” 13-year-old me thought this was HILARIOUS too.
125. I remember being sad that Kevin and Vicky broke up. I really shipped them? Totally judging past me.
126. Lmao @ the fact that she admits that “nothing is perfect” for the first time after they’ve just had sex.
127. I’m glad Oz didn’t tell the others he slept with Heather. Honestly, he's the only redeemable guy in this whole mess.
128. Well. That sure was…something.
129. It did make me laugh in places (intentionally or not), but for the most part it just made me cringe. It’s so damn problematic. I can’t believe how much I used to love it!
130. I really can’t believe it got so many sequels.