13 Things That Need To Stay In 2013

A new year, a new you. Let's leave these 13 things behind as we make our grand entrance into 2014.

1. Selfies

We’ve all taken enough selfies this year that we’ll never, ever, be able to forgot how our face looked in 2013. When we’re older and our children are tugging on the edges of our jeans, begging to see pictures of what we looked like when we were younger, we’ll have an entire cloud filled with selfies taken in very strange places.

2. The Harlem Shake

Via youtube.com

Shaking what our mamas gave us like we were being electrocuted. No one is doing the Gangnam Style dance anymore (I’m thankful for this, I really am) and hopefully in 2014, no one will be making Harlem Shake videos.

3. Twerking

Via youtube.com

Urbandictionary.com defines it as:

-Vigorously shaking your Gluteus Maximus (Sounds a bit like Zumba class).

I'd like to define it as:

-An accidental dance move Miley Cyrus created when she was trying to shake hair lice out of her pixie cut.

OR

-One of the many side effects that you hear on those pharmaceutical commercials. WARNING: Taking Xarelto may cause high blood pressure, an increased risk of paralysis, and the urge to twerk.

4. George Zimmerman

Dear George – get in touch with fellow Floridian Casey Anthony and find out how she manages to stay out of the news and out of trouble since she too was pronounced not guilty. Do what you have to do but please, keep your hands and your guns to yourself.

5. My library fines

zoiksonline.com

Why do these NEED to roll over?

6. Thanksgivukkah

gatherthejews.com

As my expanding waistline can still account for, the mixing of turkey and stuffing with latkes and jelly donuts is not good for anyone’s acid reflux problems.

7. What Does the Fox Say?

It says: Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

Gering-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

Now, that we know the answer to this – onward!

8. Sharknado

Sharks are scary enough living in the water and LA is scary enough without having sharks on land.

9. The Government Shutdown

In our government, when they can’t agree on something, it’s as if they start to throw a 4-year-old’s temper tantrum and say, I absolutely refuse to eat my vegetables until mom lets me eat the entire box of Oreo cookies. And until that happens, over 800,000 people have to starve.

10. Molly

Popped a Molly, you stupid.

11. The Guy Who Sent Me This Message on Tinder

12. Miley Cyrus and Her Tongue

When I was a kid, and my mom told me I couldn’t have any dessert, I’d come back at her with the most horrendous squished up face that I could come up with. And she’d say, Jennifer, if you keep doing that, your face will get stuck like that. I bet the same is true when you stick your tongue out like that, Miley. So please be careful, babe.

13. The ObamaCare Website

Healthcare for everyone! Oh, please. That’s more of a tease than Channing Tatum is in the movie Magic Mike.