Many in the GOP are expecting Senator McCain to display a fantastic, quasi-aristocratic commitment to eliminating the lower and middle classes by returning to DC on Tuesday to vote in favor of the Obamacare repeal.
The always hilarious Texan and Senate Majority Whip, John Cornyn, noted that he’s “personally volunteered to rent an RV” in the case that Senator McCain can obtain medical approval for travel [n: that is a real quote]. We hear Senator Cornyn is already booked for a 7,000-year-long residency at the Heartless Bastards Comedy Club in the 4th circle of hell.
With several GOP senators showing an interest in not being responsible for the deaths of thousands of constituents, the repeal and/or secret healthcare bill seem endangered. It appears the GOP’s grand plan for the dying to form massive lines outside of emergency rooms around the country may not be possible unless Plan Beta is implemented. Excerpts from a leaked memo on Plan Beta include “swap undecided senators for the revived carcasses of the Nazi High Command” and “ask interns to google ‘black magic and/or voodoo’, pls pay attention to detail, thx”.
An interesting side-note is that many philosophers have postulated that Irony, as a concept, has been broken today. We spoke to Prof. Stanislav Stannymann at UC Berkeley who noted: “This man employed by the U.S. constituents, whose healthcare is given to him by U.S. constituents, who is receiving treatment paid for by thanks to said healthcare… if this man votes to takes away the healthcare of these same constituents, leading to pain and the deaths of many of them… I believe ‘Irony’ as an idea will be irreparably damaged, probably destroyed.”
Though we reached out to Alanis Morissette for comment we have not yet heard back. The Canadian musician is expected to lose approximately $3.2 million in royalties annually once the concept of “irony” is indeed destroyed.