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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never us… https://t.co/0JnpPUcZHt
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entering priceline: all i need is panadol exiting priceline: gross i can't believe i went 25 years without knee b… https://t.co/Brou8bCPo7
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Americans: "Everything in Australia can kill you!" Australians: "Probably not an AR-15."
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N KOREA: happy to launch nuclear war any time fyi USA: we will also do nuclear war but bigger AUSTRALIA:
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@FarrellPF Is this a sub tweet?
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my biggest issue with THE SHAPE OF WATER is how nobody was like "congrats on your man, Eliza! He's a catch!!!"
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if you go home with someone and they have books, don't fuck them. one of them could be by alain de botton and you can't take that risk
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Me when I'm 67 weeks deep in some random person's Instagram with no idea how or why I got there
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PSA: you don’t really need to see I, Robot before you see I, Tonya
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Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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it's good that Lena Dunahm's life is a long format version of the scene in The Simpsons where sideshow bob steps on about 50 rakes in a row
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Me at my 69th birthday: “thank you all for coming, hahaha, nice.”
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I'm a big fan of podcasts but I'm not sure the world needs 65 of them that are basically just people reading the wi… https://t.co/YntgBCp3UL
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When you think about it, Australia is the world's milkshake duck
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Sometimes I get disappointed about Australia but then I remember that our Kardashian’s are Hamish Blake’s family.
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instagram is introducing a new feature that splits your feed in two categories- One feed is just every single posts… https://t.co/IcJWKZASNl
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for the women on this website horny for post malone may i suggest moving to newcastle australia and meeting the man… https://t.co/CqLijxcuMO
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our little kids put a picture of all of us against the aquarium glass so the new goldfish will “feel like part of t… https://t.co/ThVP425wyd
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ME: I want a nerd girl GIRL: [starts telling me about soil PH] ME: no like one with blue hair and shit
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... I just wanted to know how to make noodles
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my god barnabby
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did captain jack sparrow put a curse on me