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I Tried To Eat A Metre Of Pizza In An Hour And I Regret Everything

Spoiler: I've never enjoyed pizza less.

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It's fair to say that pizza is a very important part of my life. I think about it a lot, I eat it a lot. It's honestly the best. When I saw that Australian restaurant chain Criniti's has a mega pizza challenge, I knew that it was something I had to do. Basically, you have to eat a metre-long pizza in under an hour. I'm pretty sure my whole life has been leading up to this moment. I've been training so hard for this event for the last 23 years, without even knowing.

All week, I have been psyching myself up for this challenge. I can do it. I can totally do it. But actually, a metre really isn't that much. It's like 3 feet and 3 inches. And if we're being honest, I've almost certainly eaten that much food in one sitting before. Once I had to leave a Thanksgiving party early because I ate so much food I couldn't talk. That's not even a joke.

Last night, I was thinking about it…the prize for completing the challenge is a year of free meals at this restaurant. A YEAR. That's a lot of meals, and I'm no business expert but it's probably a prize that they mightn't want to give out too freely? So, I decided to measure out how long a metre actually is.

Guys, it's really long. IT'S OVER THREE FEET?!!??!!! How the hell am I going to do this? I mean, I can do this. But how?

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I have to sign something saying that I wouldn't sue them if I die or something. Great. That's really filling me with confidence. Also look how excited I am. 🍕🍕🍕

Let me start off by being very clear that I am no stranger to all-you-can-eat buffets. Sizzler is one of my favourite places in Sydney, and I'm all about getting my money's worth. What I've learned in my years on this earth is that you need to STRETCH out your stomach to its maximum size, but also you want it to be empty. So 18 hours before the challenge, I ate a HUGE meal, and then nothing after that.

So obviously, the restaurant itself has some rules:

– No bathroom breaks or cigarette breaks.

– The pizza needs to have three separate toppings, and each topping has to have at least three ingredients, not including tomato sauce and cheese.

But to make it a little more interesting, I decided to impose some on myself:

– NO DRINKING at all during the challenge. I don't have spare stomach space to waste on water.

– No water at all in the morning before the challenge. I can suck on an ice cube if I really need it.

– Eat two-thirds of the pizza in the first 20 minutes. THIS IS CRUCIAL. There's something I read once about your brain taking 20 minutes to recognise that your stomach is full. I need to trick myself into thinking I'm ravenous for the first 20 minutes so I can scarf most of it down, then leisurely enjoy the rest of it in the remaining 40. Science.

– No eating for 18 hours before the challenge.

OK HERE WE GO LET'S GO I CAN DO THIS.

There is a family of four here eating one of these huge pizzas at a table across from me…If they can do it, goddamn, so can I . At this point I haven't eaten for 19 hours and I might just pass out before my pizza even gets to the table.

I'M SO READY. OMG HERE IT COMES. OH MY GOD IT'S FUCKING HUGE.

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Oh. My. God. This is actually the biggest fucking thing I've ever seen in my damn life. I mean…I love pizza. I WANT to eat all of this. But I'm not sure if it will physically fit in my stomach? OK, OK, so there are 27 pieces…I need to make sure I've eaten 20 of those slices by the half-way mark. Oh god.

One minute in: This is amazing. This pizza is perfect. It is so delicious. This is going to be the best hour of my life. My current strategy is to sandwich the slices together to get as much in my body as quickly as I possibly can.

This is me trying to psych myself up. It worked for, like, 30 seconds.

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Ten minutes in: OK, I've eaten about seven slices and I'm feeling almost full. This does not bode well. Also can I just say that these slices are RECTANGULAR, which is a lot fancier than the typical triangle shape that I'm used to. This has thrown my calculations WAY out.

Eighteen minutes in: You guys. I've finished 12 slices of pizza. In less than 20 minutes. I am so impressed with myself. I am also certain that I will vomit by the end of the day.

Twenty-five minutes in: The pizza has gone cold. Have you ever tried to eat cold slimy mushrooms? While you're already full to bursting? It's certainly not the easiest.

Also there are two dogs having vigorous sex about 20 metres away from me. This is very distracting and confronting.

Thirty-two minutes in: I've only eaten like two slices in the last ten minutes. I've messed up my plan. This is so hard.

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Forty-five minutes in: I've eaten 17 slices. I can't do this. I physically cannot put any more food in my mouth; there's just no room. But I have to keep eating until the hour is up. I've come so far. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

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I'm so fucked up by my pizza that I didn't even realise that my Vine cut off mid-sentence.

Fifty-five minutes in: Why the hell did I do this? Why? Oh my god, I can't breathe. How am I going to get home? I'm so full. Can this hour just be up so I can go vomit? I'm still trying to shove tiny pieces in my mouth, I don't want to give up. Oh god. Why did I do this?

An hour: Fuck. I failed. But also, I literally ate AS MUCH pizza as would fit in my body. I never thought I'd ever say this but I don't think I want to eat pizza for at least another week.

How am I going to put this in My Fitness Pal?

To be honest, I went into this challenge thinking that I could definitely pull it off. LOL I guess I wasn't paying attention in primary school because A METRE IS HELLA LONG. I feel like I let everyone down but also then I realise that I ate EIGHTEEN (large) slices of pizza which is a LOT.

Um, also please note how WIDE this pizza is. I did not realise that it would be THREE LARGE RECTANGLE slices wide.

Pro tip: Don't get prosciutto on your pizza if you want to speed-eat it. IT IS SALTY AF. Also choosing mushrooms and sun-dried tomatoes was a rookie error – that shit got slimy fast.

OK, I'm dead. Take me home. Food coma time.

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