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22 Funny Tweets To Scroll Through Next Time You're On The Toilet

"Body type: Not bad but DEFINITELY doesn’t know how to say no to soft serve ice cream on a summer night."

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1.

my morning routine? lemon water, pilates, elaborate spreadsheet of every person i spoke to the day before & a detailed analysis of whether or not they are mad at me, wheat toast

2.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

3.

If you drive past horses and don’t say “horses” you’re a psychopath

4.

I look at myself in the mirror like this when I’m drunk https://t.co/RxEMTcM5lJ

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5.

why is my friend group so hot I feel like fuckin Kevin Jonas

6.

The fact that I procrastinate and still get the job done is the reason I still procrastinate

7.

Body type: Not bad but DEFINITELY doesn’t know how to say no to soft serve ice cream on a summer night.

8.

I mean, sex is all right but have you ever experienced the sheer sensuality of having rock-solid proof that a problem at work was someone else's fault even though it really, really looked like it was yours?

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9.

(Log me off) Log me off this site (I can't log off) Log me off this site (Save me) Mute my tweets and take away my phone

10.

Two auto-replying bots have now been stuck in a loop with each other for several hours and the resulting thread reads like most of my internal monologue: https://t.co/QK5NThBTAN

11.

ME: I look cute MIRRORS: you look cute STORE WINDOWS: you look cute OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bitch

12.

My main form of therapy is pirating The Sims, making a little version of myself, then drowning him in a pool. And let me tell you, it is VERY ineffective.

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13.

online: it’s easy to get caught up in negativity. here’s a 30-part self-care checklist. it’s ok to cut toxicity out of your life also online: what’s everyone subtweeting about? give me that hot goss. omg dragggg himmmm, your fave is cancelled

14.

Wow. Ive never identified with a tweet more https://t.co/tffvhBiOWi

15.

True indicator of having your shit together: the outside of your olive oil bottle is not oily

16.

Me: I chose to be happy today! Brain:

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17.

Dude I’m the worst when it comes to packing for trips. Like I know I won't need 20 pairs of underwear for a 5 day trip but what if I pee my pants twice every single day I'm there

18.

my ex boyfriend called me a house cat. he said, “you nap a lot, you disappear for a few hours & nobody knows wtf you do, you come back around and ask for attention then you push people away and nap again” the accuracy though

19.

I felt this shit on a personal level

20.

a tragedy: when your hair-wash cycle doesn't coordinate w/ an event & you overestimate the amount of time in which your hair can last w/o being washed

21.

Me calling my dad when my car starts making noise or when the engine light comes on

22.

I cannot stop thinking about MySpace and how most of you under 19 have never experienced its peak. You never spent 5+ hours finding a moving glitter wallpaper, a shitty owl city song for your profile, reposting bulletins so a clown won’t kill your mum and of course pic4pic? [: