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22 Funny Tweets To Scroll Through Next Time You're On The Toilet

"Body type: Not bad but DEFINITELY doesn’t know how to say no to soft serve ice cream on a summer night."


my morning routine? lemon water, pilates, elaborate spreadsheet of every person i spoke to the day before & a detailed analysis of whether or not they are mad at me, wheat toast


just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.


If you drive past horses and don’t say “horses” you’re a psychopath


I look at myself in the mirror like this when I’m drunk


why is my friend group so hot I feel like fuckin Kevin Jonas


The fact that I procrastinate and still get the job done is the reason I still procrastinate


Body type: Not bad but DEFINITELY doesn’t know how to say no to soft serve ice cream on a summer night.


I mean, sex is all right but have you ever experienced the sheer sensuality of having rock-solid proof that a problem at work was someone else's fault even though it really, really looked like it was yours?


(Log me off) Log me off this site (I can't log off) Log me off this site (Save me) Mute my tweets and take away my phone


Two auto-replying bots have now been stuck in a loop with each other for several hours and the resulting thread reads like most of my internal monologue:


ME: I look cute MIRRORS: you look cute STORE WINDOWS: you look cute OTHER PEOPLE: you look cute IPHONE FORWARD-FACING CAMERA: what’s up you Shrek-lookin bag of bitch


My main form of therapy is pirating The Sims, making a little version of myself, then drowning him in a pool. And let me tell you, it is VERY ineffective.


online: it’s easy to get caught up in negativity. here’s a 30-part self-care checklist. it’s ok to cut toxicity out of your life also online: what’s everyone subtweeting about? give me that hot goss. omg dragggg himmmm, your fave is cancelled


Wow. Ive never identified with a tweet more


True indicator of having your shit together: the outside of your olive oil bottle is not oily


Me: I chose to be happy today! Brain:


Dude I’m the worst when it comes to packing for trips. Like I know I won't need 20 pairs of underwear for a 5 day trip but what if I pee my pants twice every single day I'm there


my ex boyfriend called me a house cat. he said, “you nap a lot, you disappear for a few hours & nobody knows wtf you do, you come back around and ask for attention then you push people away and nap again” the accuracy though


I felt this shit on a personal level


a tragedy: when your hair-wash cycle doesn't coordinate w/ an event & you overestimate the amount of time in which your hair can last w/o being washed


Me calling my dad when my car starts making noise or when the engine light comes on


I cannot stop thinking about MySpace and how most of you under 19 have never experienced its peak. You never spent 5+ hours finding a moving glitter wallpaper, a shitty owl city song for your profile, reposting bulletins so a clown won’t kill your mum and of course pic4pic? [: