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100 Australian Tweets From 2018 That'll Make You Laugh Even If You're Not Aussie

"The most Daily Mail thing that the Daily Mail does is use 'mother of three' as a descriptor for Beyoncé."

1.

why does untouched by the veronicas still go so hard to this day just what the fuck was going on through their minds when they made that song, the power and international implications that it holds is astounding

2.

Looking for Alibrandi subtitles struggling to understand the aussie accent saying ‘You’re my type of chick’, instead transforming it into some sort of weird English pleasantry https://t.co/mfzEZ0H2Pi

3.

rt if you’re australian and you’d kill a man for only $2.99 shipping https://t.co/x1fcBLbDeV

4.

Australia's population is hitting 25million and they all seem to be located on the one carriage of the train I take every morning.

5.

*australian teacher voice* This is NOT ON, girls. NOT ON.

6.

A very Australian story https://t.co/I4LkPTJx8g

7.

Forever thankful there's no such thing as surge pricing on Uber Eats. I don't need to test how much I'd pay for special fried rice & a Fanta in bed at 11am on a Sunday.

8.

Eddie Mcguire: For $1 million, what is your MyGov password? Me: Ah fuck

9.

Australians: We are better than Americans in that we handled a national firearms ban and buyback scheme with dignity and poise Also Australians: I am completely unhinged about the supermarket not giving out free plastics bags and have decided this is the hill I’m dying on

10.

when ur lesbian friend is looking good: lesbién

11.

Hi, have any of you murdered someone but not been prosecuted for it? Please get in touch, I’m keen to start a successful podcast.

12.

when Americans say 'roommate' instead of housemate I assume they all sleep in one big bed wearing one piece pyjamas and a nightcap

13.

every photo of an uncle in anyones 21st bday party album

14.

1. Quietly exist in a public place

15.

Things Australians do to make shit food seem fancy: -dump rocket on pizza -use black buns on burgers -chips in wire baskets -chopping boards for plates get off your bullshit and cook better

16.

This happened to me five hours ago and I’m still furious

17.

It’s weird how I don’t know what the fuck a ploughman is but I know what they’re having for lunch

18.

Sydney Airport Express Pick-up: It's express! Also Sydney Airport Express Pick-up: CROSS THE CURSED ROPE BRIDGE BY THE HEATHEN TROLL AND COLLECT THREE EMERALD GEMSTONES, UPON REACHING THE FORK IN THE ROAD --

19.

20.

if you wanna be my plover you gotta protect my eggs shrieking like the devil swooping never ends

21.

Public school culture is watching The Castle in year 11 legal studies

22.

Mood: The woman sneaking into Nikki Websters performance before getting chased off

23.

Ordering a jug of beer at the pub Bartender: do you need glasses? Me (hungover): no I can see fine thanks. Bartender: what

24.

Needles Strawberries 🤝 Fucking up Australians

25.

australian: oi mate welcome to aus, try this vegemite it tastes like shit foreigner: this tastes like shit auatralian: hahaha yeah mate

26.

27.

If you gonna be salty, at least be chicken salty

28.

didn’t consider how this sweater would look with a jacket

29.

Fake-woke dudes in Brunswick out here like 😉😩 before I gaslight you 💡🤪🤞🏻 id like to acknowledge 🙏🏻👱🏼‍♂️ the traditional owners 🏞🏞🏞 of the land 🏝😉

30.

Good to be back in Australia, the first country I’ve been to that doesn’t have Australians loudly complaining about the coffee.

31.

The most Daily Mail thing that the Daily Mail does is use “mother of three” as a descriptor for Beyonce

32.

2 minutes after opening a pack of Tim Tams https://t.co/hJXSCCvAuD

33.

Whats with all the weird chip flavours theyre bringing out these days. I miss when light n tangy was considered exotic

34.

𝙱𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔 𝚕𝚒𝚔𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝘈𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘱𝘦𝘰𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝓢𝓹𝓪𝓷𝓲𝓼𝓱 𝓹𝓮𝓸𝓹𝓵𝓮 𝓽𝓪𝓵𝓴 𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 sıɥʇ ǝʞıן ʞןɐʇ ǝןdoǝd uɐıןɐɹʇsnɐ

35.

36.

australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000

37.

If you grew up in Australia there is a fair chance you associate the smell of an indoor public pool with a chicken salt and vinegar drenched tub of hot chips

38.

Friends trying to guess Australian colloquialisms: I bet you call swimwear swimmies Me: What no we say bathers. It's sort of Edwardian Friends: And the pepper in this salad, is it a peppo? Me: Capsicum, the full Latin DO NOT try to outwit the Australian dialect; you will LOSE

39.

40.

Iced Coffee, just add coffee. THAT'S ICE YOU DIPSHIT!

41.

I think this might be my new favourite My Day on a Plate. It’s on par with Pete Evan’s activated almonds. ⁦@sundayage⁩ https://t.co/f0PrmXuZZ4

42.

[at the vet] me: hi i think my dog has hurt his arm vet: you mean his front leg? me: no, his arm vet: dogs have four legs me: vet: me: his arm

43.

Really grinds my gears when people say Jeff Buckley wrote Hallelujah because anyone intelligent knows it was penned by Shrek himself

44.

australian journalism is about never being afraid to discuss the real world issues @LucyXIV @figgled @Brocklesnitch

45.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis. https://t.co/zDb40OUxJz

46.

Americans: "Everything in Australia can kill you!" Australians: "Probably not an AR-15."

47.

N KOREA: happy to launch nuclear war any time fyi USA: we will also do nuclear war but bigger AUSTRALIA:

48.

Me when I'm 67 weeks deep in some random person's Instagram with no idea how or why I got there

49.

50.

51.

Me at my 69th birthday: “thank you all for coming, hahaha, nice.”

52.

for the women on this website horny for post malone may i suggest moving to newcastle australia and meeting the man of your dreams 4, 5, or even 6 times a day every day

53.

Sitcoms lied about how much applause I should expect whenever I enter an apartment.

54.

“One day my son, all this will be yours” I say to my cat, gesturing grandly to my wide array of mental health problems

55.

My kid's daycare has a faux social app where they upload pics of his day and text descriptions of what he's been doing, but what I really want is the ability to DM him funny shit I see online.

56.

Last week I was up at the Great Barrier Reef. I think that GBR and I are very similar. We’re both unique beauties, it’s impossible to confirm our exact ages and rich old men just keep trying to drill us.

57.

I love hearing about the resignations of no-name frontbenchers. Senator Bobert McGland from the seat of Jellymole has quit as junior spokesperson for ancient grains

58.

Weird how everyone's photo of their dad from the 70s amalgamated into a living being and then became the bachelor.

59.

They said I was mad for spending ten years training two dogs to eat the same piece of spaghetti but I’m about to be rich https://t.co/jMOwMYqVS7

60.

yeah I’m into ASMR! A -nd doesn’t that S -ound familiar? Doesn’t that hit so close to home? Doesn’t that M -ake you shiver? The way things could have gone? And doesn't it feel peculiar when everyone wants a little more? And so that I do R-emember to never go that far

61.

62.

Do you want to know how Gold Coast I am? Big Kev drove me and my mates to my high school formal… drunk

63.

Hey @DailyMailAU I think you'll find the term is "washboard" abs not "waterboard" 🙄

64.

65.

She's gone too far, you can buy carpet everywhere

66.

wow. brilliant casting for the new Margaret and David biopic

67.

68.

The decline of society in Australia can be linked to the lack of 'The Simpsons' at 6.30pm weeknights on Channel 10

69.

I have said it dozens of times but it is criminal that Yass doesn’t have a local beauty contest, denying the entire world the one and only official Yass Queen.

70.

#UniversityofAdelaide, where white boys explain things to bored looking women

71.

72.

Thinking about buying a waistcoat and getting a job as one of the nine people who shouts "HEY" in an indie folk band.

73.

Is that a general warning on Big Ted, or location specific? https://t.co/I1fgYLK4Jq

74.

When Australia is trending again internationally, and you know straight away it's because we're racist.

75.

76.

me listening to the blowers daughter by damien rice when i was in year 7

77.

High school reunion tonight and this RSVP just came through

78.

in my high school there was a Horse Girl called Zoe who had a boyfriend called Dom and also a horse named Dom & literally everyday she would joke "So i was riding Dom the other day...not THAT Dom LOL!" anyway she writes for mamamia now and honestly everything makes so much sense

79.

80.

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.

81.

my mum after my brother said he was voting liberal because he wants an upgraded stadium for Sydney fc

82.

I love little cultural differences, like how Americans are super offended by the word cunt but here in Australia we're super offended by school children being slaughtered with automatic weapons

83.

if you think the Ghan is the best train trip in Australia then you've never caught the Sydney to Gosford train with a four pack of woodstocks and a large whopper meal 😎🚈

84.

one thing you don't see these days is people chucking around vortexes. kids, vortexes were like a ball with a tail that made a horrible screaming sound when you threw it

85.

86.

┏┓ ┃┃╱╲ ┃╱╱╲╲ in this house, ╱╱╭╮╲╲ for some reason- ▔▏┗┛▕▔ ╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲ >this is where the kids eat corn during the drought

87.

88.

“Let’s just get a roast chook and some rolls” — Australian summer proverb

89.

90.

When under 9s learn to shoot goals for the first time & think they have to do the thing

91.

YOU: avengers infinity war is the most ambitious crossover event in history ME:

92.

Might as well shut down Twitter for the day. It's peaked already.

93.

australia is a very sexy continent

94.

In Australia you don’t say “yes” you say “nah, yeah” which means “yes” unless want to say “no” then it’s “yeah, nah.” Isn’t that amazing? https://t.co/gS5B6LeYhS

95.

96.

i met an australian in seattle bc i overheard him say “fucken” and “cunt” and figured it out from there

97.

98.

basically every pokémon attack sounds like a slang term for an orgasm, welcome to my ted talk

99.

I love when melbourne cafes do that paris thing where they turn the outdoor chairs to look at the street but they’re just looking at like a clark rubber

100.

Not responding to a friend request from someone I went to high school with who never gave me the time of day is my more sophisticated version of hiding behind the oranges when you see them at the supermarket

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