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    Updated on 29 Jul 2018. Posted on 25 Jul 2018

    27 Funny Tweets That'll Make You Feel Attacked But At Least You'll Laugh

    "Every semi colon you've seen me use has been an absolute shot in the dark."


    the beginning of the night vs the end of the night


    If alcohol is a depressant then why it make me shake my ass


    When someone sits in the empty seat beside you: flattered yet annoyed When no one sits in the empty seat beside you: offended yet relieved


    i’m taken 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒❣️❣️😍😍😍😍😍😍for granted


    what's the version of big dick energy for painfully awkward people with no self esteem 'clenched butt energy' i have that


    drink some water you beautiful and capable but dehydrated bitch


    me & my only 2 friends who always like my tweets


    Every semi colon you've seen me use has been an absolute shot in the dark


    I’ve gone outside and I cannot in good conscience recommend it


    ME AT EPCOT IN 1992: “oh my god a video telephone call? that would be the greatest thing ever!” ME NOW: “someone tried to FaceTime me so I lit my phone on fire”


    anyone who respects themselves doesn’t know themselves that well


    all my ladies who impulse buy to feel alive make some noise!!!!


    18th birthday: cant wait to be 21 19th birthday: cant wait to be 21 20th birthday: cant wait to be 21 21st birthday: YEET 22nd birthday: time is fleeting; my days left on this earth are numbered


    one time i got too high and googled "how many galaxies" and the answer did NOT make me feel better


    My debit card feels more like a gift card...not sure how much is on this, but we’ll give it a try


    I don't understand why I can never finish a bag of lettuce before it expires in a week but can finish a BUCKET of chocolate pretzels that is gunna be fine until 2025 in one sitting.


    It’s like ... you WANT long hair but short hair is so in and trendy rn. But every time you have short hair you want long hair, and when you have long hair you have this wild desire to just CHOP IT ALL OFF. Anyway, have a good day.




    remember when you’d go to a house party age 16 and if there was snacks and it was like lol lame but now as an adult we are all aware that snacks are in fact the highlight of the party


    Took some grease off my pizza today with a napkin so if you see me looking skinny tomorrow don’t be alarmed


    Remember how in Harry Potter, Mrs. Weasley had that clock that showed where her family was, & it stopped working once Voldemort came back because now all the hands always just pointed to MORTAL PERIL? That’s what I think about whenever anyone asks anyone “How are you?” these days


    Nothing but respect for people who are brave enough to sleep on top of their duvet in warm weather because I’d rather roast to death under mine than expose myself to potential demons


    apple has deadass conditioned us to find people with androids less attractive wtf


    when i was 12 i read lingerie like it's spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like "haha LINGERIE? it's *lauwnzhoureigh" and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don't just make up sounds when i see letters.


    GENIE: I don’t—I’m sorry I’m just not getting this. ME: *In bed* Look, it’s not complicated: I still want to feel the WEIGHT OF THE BLANKET, but I’m already hot.


    shopping cart: $1000 me: omg what a deal shipping: $5 me:

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