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The 12 New People You'll Meet At Your Neighborhood Cookout

Summer BBQs are an American tradition: corn on the cob, ribs, macaroni salad, and finally learning the names of all the people you see lingering around your block. Hey, at least they're not stalking you!

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1. New Religion Ned

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Ned is always sure to corner you at the annual BBQ to tell you that he's "found the light." Though it's never the same light, he's always positive that this time it's for real. Sure, he's gotten the end of the world wrong four or five times now, but that doesn't mean you should treat this warning with any less urgency!

2. Home-Schooling Hannah


A dedicated wife and mother, Hannah was an inspiration to the mothers of the neighborhood. Then she started home-schooling her children. Four years later, and Hannah has lost some of her parenting-prestige. But hey, it's not like those kids are going to teach themselves!

3. Suspcious Activity Steve


Nobody seems to know what Steve does for a living, but it must be pretty lucrative based on that new Maserati in his driveway. Sure, it's annoying when he and his friends are shouting at eachother in the middle of the night, but you're a little too scared to go over there any say anything.

4. The Swinging Smiths


The Smiths love a good neighborhood party as much (but actually much, much more) than the next couple. In fact, they're having a little gathering over at their place next Friday if you wanted to stop by. No, you don't need to bring anything. They've got enough tarps and lube for the whole neighborhood.

6. Gavin the Grill-Master

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With a beer in his hand and his trusty tongs at his side, Gavin is the hero this BBQ needs. Between beers, Gavin told you that Sharon's been giving him a hard time lately. You asked if everything was okay at home. "Absolutely," he said, before asking if he could use your bathroom.

7. Sharon in the Shadows


Despite Sharon's repeated cries that he "come in side for a minute" or "take a break," Gavin always seems to disappear whenever Sharon comes around. "I don't know what's gotten into him" Sharon says with a smile, "He's been staying at his apartment downtown nearly every night of the week. I sure hope he's not becoming a workaholic!"

8. Totally Not a Cop Tom


"Killer party," Tom says, holding an O'Douls. "But you know what would take it to the next level? Some crystal methamphetamine." You nod, totally floored by the turn this conversation has already taken. "You know where I could get some?"

9. Arm-Wrestling Amy


At last year's BBQ, Amy spent the whole day challenging you to an arm-wrestling match. Seriously, she was relentless. After seven or eight boxes of wine you finally relented. She promptly kicked your ass and made you cry in front of the whole party. Not that it still bothers you or anything. Oh God, here she comes...

10. "What Now?" Wanda


Wanda seems nice enough, but just wait till you talk to her. She's got ALL the neighborhood gossip, and will spare none of the gory details. Seriously, she'll tell you all about how the Smiths are planning to put a #$&@ right up your $!*{&. Now is probably a good time for you to leave.

11. Workout Will


Will's a nice enough guy. He's also much more handsome, funny, smart, and in shape than you. If you brought your girlfriend (or maybe your boyfriend, it's 2015 after all), then there's a 90% chance s/he is already swooning over Will's abs. Seriously, put a shirt on Will, you're totally killing my game.

12. New to the Neighborhood Nora


Nora moved in only three weeks ago, so this is her first opportunity to meet many of the neighbors. Boy is she regretting moving in now. Have you met these people? They are batshit crazy!

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