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17 Really Random Things You Will Actually Want

Break open the change jar.

Welcome to another edition of Can You Get Through This Post Without Spending $25!

I am your host, Jeff. The game is simple. Try to make it through this entire post without buying something. The list may look like it is seemingly random, but I assure you, it's not. Don't plan to buy anything? That's OK! Stay and enjoy my lame jokes! GOOD LUCK, ALL!

1. This folding knife and scissor key blends in with your keyring. ($3+)

If your keys were alive and witnessed a murder, they would be a key witness.

Get the straight edge here.

Get the scissor key here.

2. Keep your stuff safe with this book safe ($23)!

If you think about it, this is basically a money jail. And you've put your stuff in solitary confinement. Hopefully your valuables don't book it.

Get it here.

Also comes in dictionary form. Get it here.

3. These 1,000 waste bags for your pet are the shit ($23).

Pets poop a lot. It would be a waste to not get this.

Get it here.

4. Make your lighting more balanced and warm with these indirect lighting bulbs ($10).

These bulbs are a bright idea.

Get it here.

5. Stick absolutely everything to the wall or ceiling with this 10-foot roll of velcro ($10).

If there is such a thing as a vel-crow, I would like to know about it. A bird that has all sorts of shit stuck to it as it frantically flies around, now that's a world I want to live in.

Get it here.

6. Cut the shit out of your veggies with this mandolin slicer ($24).

Not to be confused with a real mandolin. If you try to play this, you will only have a good story to tell the EMT as they haul you away.

Get it here.

7. Keep your sheet on lockdown with these sheet suspenders ($16).

It won't take a huge stretch of the imagination to see all the possibilities here.

Get it here.

8. Manage to manage your cables with this cable manager ($15).

Become a more cable-ple person.

Get it here.

9. Lock all your keys in one place with this crazy key keeper ($21).

10. Snap those difficult selfies from afar with this Bluetooth selfie remote ($8)!

There's no joke here. Keep moving, people. Nothing to see.

Get it here.

11. Hunt down your predators, or any inflated very-easily-poppable object with this blowgun ($14).

12. This airtight container keeps your food fresh and opens with a single button ($11).

I can hardly contain my excitement.

Get it here.

13. You know what's just not cool? Well find out with this infrared thermometer ($17).

I infra-read all the reviews and it seems like this is a legit product.

Get it here.

14. Take on any type of food with this fork/spoon combination ($4).

The sides are tapered so that it is easier to cut through harder food. Like rocks and chalk.

Get it here.

15. This utensil clip keeps your tools from touching the countertop like a peasant ($13).

This looks like a pan-tastic gadget.

Get it here.

16. A Bluetooth waterproof speaker that you can stick on shower walls and take on hikes.

This speaker can take calls, too. Ever taken a call in the shower? No? Well maybe you should explore that part of yourself.

Get it here.

17. A really fucking strong magnet that can hold 249 pounds (~113 kg) ($19).

Congrats! You made it! Also, if you laughed or smirked at any of my jokes YOU LOSE.

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