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How To Tinder IRL

It's time to take Tinder to the streets.

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Every once in awhile, when your data plan runs dry, you're traveling abroad, or you just leave your phone in another room like a reckless moron, you may be forced to interact with another person IRL. What's worse is you may still be horny in this most vulnerable of moments with literally zero access to Tinder. Without this precious human connecting app, how will you get your evolutionarily compelled fix (talkin' bout sex) in IRL? Tinder IRL.

Finding Users

The great thing about Tinder IRL is you can play pretty much anywhere as long as there are other people around. The tough thing about Tinder IRL though is that you must be picky about where you use it, because while a crowded public courthouse may have plenty of eligible singles to engage, they may just not be in the Tinderin' mood.

Swiping Faces

On Tinder IRL, the faces don't just come to your screen, you have to go to the faces. It can take a bit of getting used to, but simply walk up to anyone nearby and run your thumb or forefinger across their face using the same directions as Real Tinder to indicate whether they're a "Like" or a "Nope." The forehead is usually the path of least resistance. Unlike Real Tinder though, after you swipe with Tinder IRL, the person's face is still there, typically attached to the rest of their live human body. It's on you to find your next potential match by using your legs to walk away. At this point get ready for Tinder IRL lines like: "Sorry, do I know you?" and "Why did you touch my face?"

Seeing More Pics

Just because you don't have a working phone doesn't mean they won't. Point to any nearby object and say, "What is that thing? Tell me about it!" As they turn to observe and describe what you've pointed to, grab their phone and tap on the Photos app. Yahtzee. Now you're looking at more images than even Real Tinder provides. If the person asks what you're doing with their phone, just say, "Using it as a mirror ;)" before handing it back (note: you'll have to physically wink in this scenario).

Working the Chat

With Real Tinder you can space out your messages over many hours, even days and weeks, to construct the most deceitfully perfect image of yourself possible. But with Tinder IRL, there's no Home Button on talking, leaving your true, unfortunate personality flapping in the wind like old underwear on a clothesline made of shame. So hunker down, try to remember the half-truths you employ on Real Tinder, and let the awkward mouth-based conversation stumble where it may. Worst case scenario, it ends like 99% of your Real Tinder chats; in a few polite, half-hearted questions followed by an endless, deafening silence.

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