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Why Does Everyone Hate You?

Admitting it is half the battle!

Posted on
  1. How many of these apply to you?

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    You take baths instead of showers.
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    You eat a Subway sandwich at least once a week.
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    You have a pet snake, or have touched someone else's pet snake, or have even once, for just a moment, considered what it would be like to have a pet snake.
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    You refer to food that has bell peppers in it as "spicy."
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    You refuse to use the same toilet twice.
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    You make donations in other people's names as birthday gifts.
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    You ran for president for the media attention and never seriously desired to win.
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    You keep pinching your gynecologist in the side and it makes exams so much more difficult.
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    You called your mom an "Ugly Dragon" and she is actually very ugly so that was mean.
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    You called your dad an "Ugly Dragon" and he is actually a dragon so it was raw as fuck.
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    You spend all your money on crystal meth but then you just use it as decorative rocks in your fish tank.
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    You show up at random weddings and tell everyone that the groom is actually two raccoons in a tuxedo.
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    You prefer it when buffalo chicken sandwiches are made with grilled chicken instead of fried chicken.
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    You name your kidney stones.
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    You lie on your taxes but in a way that suggests you make much more than you actually do and therefore causes you to lose a great deal of money.
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    You went to Duke University.
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    You constantly suggest to your friends that you want to hang out and shame them into making plans, but in the end you are always the one to cancel last-minute or, in the rare occasions when you do show up, you act distant and annoyed.
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    You enjoy the sweet, smooth, taste of Bud Lite Lime.
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    You punched Neil deGrasse Tyson in the face once because you hate comets and, of course, he was talking about comets. Again.
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    Your favorite Breaking Bad character is the RV.
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    You wear a leather coat half of the year and for the other half of the year you wear a much fancier leather coat with frills and sequins.
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    You write alternative history novels about Japan winning the French and Indian War.
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    You can't spell the words "bureau" or "restaurant" or "heist."
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    You were born in Missouri but not the good half of Missouri.
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    You call muffins "breakfast cupcakes."
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    You give blood twice a week for money but then you use the money to buy bags of blood for your fridge just in case of emergencies.
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    You befriended a wise old man living inside of a train car and then, when he fell asleep, you drew a dick on his face and filled his pants with marshmallow Fluff.
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    You sneeze into pudding cups and offer them up to the parents of your friends.
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    You dress up like Santa and run around screaming Van Halen lyrics at children.
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    You hurt dogs but emotionally and only with passive aggressive texts.
 
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