The Definitive Guide To Kissing
Get ready for Smooch City.
1. Make sure your lips are stretched and ready.
2. Freshen your breath with a mint or stick of gum or, if neither of those is available, a big head of garlic.
3. Make sure your smooching partner is standing in the optimal position: legs very far apart, arms out, and lips pre-moistened.
4. Open up the Kissing Ladder and climb your way to the top. Get yourself in a pre-pounce crouch.
5. Launch yourself at those lips. Really go for it!
6. Once contact has been made, don't let go for at least 20 minutes. Keep it exciting by getting your teeth involved.
7. If this is a third date or you are married, then at this point there can be some tasteful tongue.
8. Aw, screw it, just use as much tongue as you can. Let it loose!
9. When you are finished with the smooch, it is polite to thank your partner's lips with a sturdy handshake.
10. Take a selfie so you have something to save in your Smooch Scrapbook later that night.
Congratulations! You are now a Certified Kissing Master!
Did we miss a step? Let us know in the comments below!